Readers,
In a nutshell, ‘an exchange of money for goods and/or services’ is the definition of trade.
Trade is a term nearly interchangeable with the word business.
Businesses create jobs, wherein people are employed and (hopefully) paid a reasonable salary. Those people use their salaries to pay other people for other goods and/or services, and the circle of trade is unbroken.
Consumers (those people we talked about who are, presumably, employed and earning a reasonable salary) participate in different types of trade depending on many factors, including age, gender, social status, geography, and most certainly, need.
Need, or the perception of it, is what makes us go to the department store and pay (again, presumably) hard-earned money for items we do not already possess. Have a big wedding coming up and don’t have a blender capable of making cake for 48? Buy one. Need more Band-aid brand bandages or Kleenex brand tissues? Hell, now you can even have them delivered right to your door – by a person who’s being paid to wear that snappy brown outfit, I might add. There are dozens of workers instrumental in getting your tissues to your door, from the person who pours the stuff that will become tissue paper into the vat to the one who designs those hideous countertop boxes, right down to the salesperson who calls your local market every week to see how many tissues they’ll be needing delivered.
Then there’s want. Want is often misinterpreted as need, because want can become big and strong and overpowering and morph itself into need when pressed. For instance, you don’t really need that new sofa – your current sofa is in fine condition, really, you’ve just grown to despise it over the years because it just sits there being all Southwestern-y, long after Southwestern is out – but you’re eyeballing a comfy-looking oversize in tan leather all the same. Sure, it’ll cost a bit of money, but just look at it! It beckons you, and you can practically feel how much more aligned your spine will be while watching reruns of LA Law. Besides, what has that old sofa done for you lately, huh? Yep. You’re right. You WANT this, and you want it now.
I’m sure you all get my upcoming point already, don’t you? I’m not one of the first several hundred to have written on this subject, and won’t be one of the last several hundred, either. It’s something that’s there, whether we talk about it or not. So let’s talk about it.
Where to begin, really? First, I’ll clarify that, for the purposes of this conversation, I’m using the term People Who Get Paid to Do Sex Work as folks of any sex or gender who earn compensation as pros, models, performers, production crew, and/or other ancillary positions related to the adult entertainment industry. This, for most of the world, includes spanking and BDSM. (If you find yourself in said employ and have a problem with the term Sex Worker, I don’t know what to say. Honestly.)
We’ve all heard/read them, and maybe some of you have even said: “I would never pay for it.” (liar), “They’re no better than prostitutes.” (your point?), “F*ck that b*tch. She doesn’t deserve to get paid to do what I do for free.” (a personal favorite), and the always sensible “He/she should get a real job.”
Let’s address these concerns one at a time, shall we?
1. “I would never pay for it.”
You paid Tom Cruise $20 million dollars to make the fourth installment of whatever-it-was-movie. Yes, you did.
You also paid that kid at Taco Bell to make your lunch yesterday (which is why you feel like crap today).
You’re also paying some stranger in a suit and Wall Street high-rise to manage the loan on the house you’re sitting in right now, and likely for the computer you’re using, too.
All of those things suck.
But paying for pleasure is wrong? Wait a minute…what about massages? Yoga classes? Visits to your friendly local psychopharmacologist? All those things are about health, happiness, and wellness and we pay for those things every day.
Where’s the disconnect? You tell me.
2. “They’re no better than prostitutes.”
See #1. Seriously. And, in your spare time, think about doing a bit of evolving.
3. “F*ck that b*tch. She doesn’t deserve to get paid to do what I do for free.”
This is one especially for performers, as each and every girl I know has, at one time or another, been given grief (usually remotely, as grief-givers are naturally passive-aggressive) about their professions. We are not bitches, nor are we heartless vixens out to pilfer the wallets of every godfearing man and woman on the planet.
Just like the guy who cooked my delivery dinner deserved to get paid for doing something that I could have easily, cheaply, and – I compliment myself here – more tastily prepared, Sex Workers deserve to get paid to do what they do. Whether you do it or not. Even if you’re better at it.
Why? Because there is massive, massive demand. Lots of folks want to participate in things which they may not necessarily be willing to share with the world. Pros and performers get paid specifically for that reason – because they’re doing it. You’re not.
While we’re here, I’ll also touch on the fact that none of us would ever be so bold as to contact a plumber and suggest that he do some work for us pro bono. We all know that the plumber would just laugh and laugh and laugh..
4. “He/she should get a real job.”
When you’ve spent the money, invested the time, and worked to perfect the craft, that IS a real job.
Now that I’ve put much more than my usual two cents in, I’d like to know your thoughts. Please share your comments in the box below, and we’ll discuss this controversial subject a bit more.
I’ve both paid and have been paid for spanking sessions/shoots. I have THIS to say for the naysayers of either option…
“Mind YOUR OWN EM EFFING business!”
As long as participants are of legal consenting age and are NOT trying to ram the activity down the throats of disapproving non spankos, then it should not be an issue for verbal warfare.
Here’s why I’m so supportive of paid sessions/shoots. I am a selective spankee. I have very specific preferences for my partners. I generally prefer female tops over males for the most part and I’ve seen many styles of the women who appeal to me on camera. So I made it my mission to contact many of them to get 1st hand experience of their skills.
Sometimes even if there are a lot of willing spankers out there who do it “for free”, they may not have the traits/skills and or physical appeal that a bottom willing to pay the $ is looking for.
Maybe the hostile attitude of those who “do it for free” stems from their inability to attract many partners. I believe there is NO need for jealousy or anger towards whichever preference and if people act respectfully towards each other then connections are more likely than not. I do try to stay out of online wars but if someone directly attacked me for my paid/paying spanking participations I would not have any issue with retaliating since it’s MY life and MY business!
I do feel that tops who charge fees DO owe every bit of their effort to the session and should NEVER try to screw the paying spankee out of any time owed-ESPECIALLY since the fees are rather costly.
Thank you, Dana. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I once got into it on FetLife with a woman who disapproves of “spanking models,” who said she would never attend parties where “spanking models” are allowed to do pay sessions, and she would never allow “spanking models” at her own parties. (The quotes were hers, BTW.) It erupted into a multi-page flame war with several involved, and I ended up telling her to put a sock in it, that no one wanted her judgmental self at their parties anyway, and no one would want to go to HER boring, uptight affairs.
I can’t stand this attitude. And I can’t stand seeing my friends called names. I unfriended a long-time friend recently for this very thing.
It’s disheartening that this post is even necessary. Insecure men can be so obnoxious – I suspect most of the grief is triggered by frustration, either because they can’t afford to play as often as they’d like, or because they resent being unable to attract women to freely play (often without realizing how rare and special women who share, or are even just willing to accommodate, exotic play can be). Dana is a treasure and should be compensated accordingly.
-AB.
I have been visiting my Mistress for over ten years and paying her for the privilege. I consider her fees very reasonable for the the frankly wonderful time I have. I pay for the majority of pleasures I have such as meals and drinks and don’t begrudge paying for my punishment sessions any more than I begrudge paying for a drink in the pub. I may sometimes bemoan the fact that I can’t afford more but the same applies to virtually everything and probably to everyone unless their income is considerably higher than mine. If you are getting something similar for free then good luck to you, if my partner was a plumber I might well get my boiler fixed for free but it wouldn’t mean that plumbers shouldn’t charge anyone else. Nor should it give you the right to look down on those plumbers who do charge for their services. Since I visited a number of professionals before I luckily stumbled upon my Mistress I am aware that the services provided can vary but I will say that the majority of sex workers I have met have been pleasant and friendly even if sometimes the service wasn’t what I wanted or expected. I think what I’m trying to say is that despite the stigma attached to trade sex workers are meeting a demand and providing a service and are really no different to the rest of us toiling away in our possibly more humdrum jobs.
I completely concur! This subject makes me want to go straight off! I cannot tell you how many times this subject is brought up in the Real Estate world. How dare you ask me to cut my commission when I drove your ass around for several months, negotiated the deal, put my license on the line in terms of liability if something were to go wrong etc., and you want ME to cut my commission? Get the F*ck outta here! News flash~if you never buy a house or your house never sells, guess what? I DON’T GET PAID! As a matter of fact, I lose money. It costs to advertise your house, drive you around etc, etc, etc. So, if you THINK I’m going to be careless with my money, how do you think I am going to be with yours? Nuff said.
Ms. Dana,
All of those who get paid to do sex work do not do the same things. The crews of erotic films have skill-sets specific to film-making; many of those who work in “adult” films in the San Fernando Valley are IATSE and SAG-AFTRA working “off the books” in non-union jobs.
More specifically, people like Pro Dommes has specific skill sets and talent; it’s the compensation for commodities or services based on talent that is really at issue. Performers – actors, dancers, singers, musicians – have qualities within them that they shape with years of discipline, practice, and study. Usually people with talent have passion to do what comes from their core characters. What pro Dommes do is shape emotional experiences for others. That’s what actors, dancers, singers, writers, directors, and artists in all media do. No one says of an actor that she or he should not be paid for making a profession from a talent. The crossover or congruence between the other arts and what pro Dommes do is great, but finally not surprising.
So no one who does “sex work” need defend herself or himself for the choices of profession. Those who don’t understand sex work as a profession with a lot of art in it probably don’t understand a heck of a lot else.
Ethan the incorrigible
I would guess that the vast majority (maybe all) of readers of your blog believe being paid for the wide variety of work is ok and normal. I have friends and acquaintances who “do sex work” of various types for pay. There is the concern that some have that being paid for sex work, speaking of actual “sex for pay” or “sex for film for pay,” (not speaking of spanking, caning, restraint, nudity, etc.) increases the likelihood of catching or transmitting disease. How do I reconcile my inclination to be libertarian (letting people do what they wish for pay) or my occasional erotic desires with what is maybe more socially responsible? I don’t know. I am not God . . . I am not a city councilperson or state legislator . . . I don’t know enough to tell others what they “should” do, but I don’t know enough to be inclined to say unprotected sex for pay is OK in some sense.
Last year, the county of LA voted (57% in favor) to require that adult film producers require the use of protection when filming intercourse or an*l sex. I have mixed feelings . . . I don’t know how I would vote. Right now I assume I would abstain and skip voting on that idea, I think. Maybe I would have voted for it . . . maybe I would regret restricting someone else’s life choices. On the other hand, I wonder if society would be better with prostitution more legal, like in Canada.
In any case, spanking or being spanked for pay should be obviously regarded as harmless, though I have friends who regard spankers as in league with the devil. (One of them has unknowingly eaten dinner with a guest/friend who practices massage
and at times, also, in her practice, often provides much more.)
What a very touchy subject. I’ve gotten involved in a couple of discussions on Fetlife and we can give our reasons over and over but some people choose not to hear what we’re saying. For me, I’m not asking everyone to agree with what I do, but I do expect the respect that is due simply because I am a human being. People that disagree can be so damn nasty about it. Agree to disagree, people!
I recently announced that I am no longer doing professional sessions. Some random guy came over to my writing on my profile to basically say that he’s glad there is one less person getting paid to spank people, and said, “nothing personal”. Now how can that NOT be taken personally? The hateful ones tend to think of us as non-human and lacking feelings.
Pro-Domme’s often put much more effort into a scene than someone doing it for free. A pro session is especially designed around the client’s fantasy alone, not the Domme’s, because we are serving, if you will, the client. There is preparation time that goes into making the scene just right and there is a one-hour dedicated time to the client. How many who play for free would participate in a scene that is built only around their partners needs and dedicate a full hour to it.
I don’t charge everybody I play with either. I would never even think of charging those who I have some sort of relationship with. Just like any other trade service, family and friends usually get a huge discount or no charge at all. But when a complete stranger that I’ve never met requests that I spank them, then yes I’m gonna charge for my time.
What is stopping the non-pros from charging strangers? Nothing, but their own decision/convictions. So leave people alone that have different convictions than you!
First, let me say that I didn’t expect to receive a lot of comments from folks who don’t agree – it’s not that kind of place, and I’m sure that my audience demographic would point, overall, favorably in the direction of pro topping for obvious reasons.
With that said, I do hope that any of those folks who may disagree have read the comments as carefully as the post. How many more ways can it be explained?
There’s the rub. We can’t explain it to folks who refuse to understand. That’s why ignorance is Blissful.
My respect and thanks to you all.
– Dana
As several others have mentioned, there is a huge quality difference between a professional top and a casual top. If not in a committed relationship with a partner who will put their all into a shared good time, then a professional is the next best thing.
I think it is a bit odd to consider someone who does not have sex as a “sex worker” but then again, that is probably be being a little protective? defensive? of my kink.
As a woman, being able to pay for services is one way to minimize the possibility of getting abused or raped by someone “givin’ it away for free”. Nothing is free.
Sadly some people will hate for hating sake, I have certain goals in life and if I am ever honored to appear in front of you Ma’am when I tick of vegas off my list and fly in from the uk I would love to visit you and sample your excellent skill and happily pay for it, I paid to drive on the road and thats no fun…
I don’t have a problem with paying for a persons time. It just seams somewhat expensive in comparison to other services…