Readers,
A recent Conversation about Fantasy vs. Reality spawned another line of thought – and an excellent one, at that.
What happens if, as a spanko, you’re lucky enough to :
a) be in a relationship
b)have a partner who’s open to spanking, if not an all-out spanko, and
c)have the opportunity to be spanked relatively regularly by said partner
but…
They suck at it?
We’ve all had less-than-perfect spankings, where the spanker chose an intensity, rhythm, or implement which wasn’t necessarily tops on our list; I’m not talking about the occasional imperfect scene.
I mean, what does one do when, no matter how many times they try, the spanker just can’t manage to pull a good spanking out of their hat to save his or her life?
It sounds like I’m being glib about this, and maybe a little levity is a Good Thing, because this seems like a Big Problem to me. When practice *doesn’t* make perfect – what do you say?
Back in the days when my ego would still tolerate a spanking, I threw out a couple “Umm, what exactly are you doing back there” ‘s, and maybe a few “Yeah, this isn’t going to work” ‘s, to boot. A hard spanking was tolerable, but a bad one wasn’t. Ever. (It’s fair to mention that these were not relationship-partner spankings, so I wasn’t terribly emotionally attached to the spanker’s response.)
But what about when the spankee IS emotionally attached to the spanker’s response? What if the spankee, as my aforementioned playmates (who definitely do not have an issue in the how-well-she-spanks dept.), is the only spanko in the equation, and doesn’t want to ‘look a gift spanking in the paddle’, so to speak?
I’m interested in hearing about how other spankos have handled this delicate situation, and I’m sure that your fellow readers are, too…
– Dana
My wife is getting better. She was so timid about it at first then I showed her some of your videos and it seemed to really get her going . Now she already picked some toys off of caniac and I am ordering them today. Thanks Dana maybe lol
Larry,
Happy to help!
This is indeed a tricky situation. Mine is a little different — my partner doesn’t suck at giving a spanking. He’s actually very good at the physicality of it. But, because he’s not a true spanko top by nature, he’s not good at getting into my bottom head space, and I found I couldn’t take him seriously. And I need the psychological and emotional components just as much as the physical sensations.
So we came to an understanding. I loved him, but I needed to get my spanking needs fulfilled from others. I’m very lucky, as I know a lot of people can’t go this route, due to jealousy/insecurity issues. But it’s worked for us for many years. I make sure he knows he is always #1, no matter who I play with.
Erica,
You and John have a very unique relationship, as you know, and are one of the great success stories of figuring-it-out.
BigLove
I leave a spanking person is best paired with a very supporting vanilla partner or spouse. I two Spanko house my be too intense and other life problems may be gnored and allow for a more household goals and day to day errands with the family.
Trying to give the vanilla spouse a heavier implement
S,
I have several couple playmates who are two-spanko-households, and they are some of the happiest folks I know. It’s important to remember that some spankos are made (due to love, devotion, and openmindedness) rather than born.
None of the men I’ve had some sort of relationship with have been very successful at meeting my harder edged spanking desires in my earlier years so I don’t have a committed domestic partner at present time. But even if I did at this point I would probably prefer to NOT have him spank me. I like keeping spankings and sex separate from one another.
Most likely I would appreciate playful smacks delivered to my ass at any given time, but I already have a favorite group of tops I play with so I wouldn’t try to mold him into what they provide. I would just continue the spanking path I’m on.
Alexis,
I think this is an issue for lots of spankos…whether to enter into a committed relationship with a non-fetishist. Naturally, I believe that directness and honesty from the outset are the best ways to insure an agreeable long-term arrangement. If someone can’t handle the concept then they’re definitely going to have trouble with the execution.
Unfortunately, I’m not lucky enough to be in a relationship at this time, much less a “spanko” related one. I feel that one person cannot be ALL things to their mate/partner/friend etc., and will at times need to go outside of the relationship to get their needs met. I’m not specifically referring to sexual needs but general needs like humor, hobby buddy, training partner, advice giver etc. In this case, if it were me, I would do as Erica and Alexis did and get my needs met by another person. I would hope my partner and I would have the trust to allow one another to explore this opportunity without harming the relationship. Although spanking is a very intimate experience shared by two people, I don’t equate it to sex therefore, I can’t see a problem with finding the right person that can “pull out a great spanking from under their hat” all of the time!
Since Im new to the spanking world….what would be considered a “bad spanking”? Rhythm, implements etc. were mentioned however, more detail would be great for my learning curve. I’ve only been spanked by Dana and as far as I am concerned she gets a 10 out of 10. Although a little less on the sit spots would have been nice but hey, I think I deserved some extra spanks in that area for past behavior! :)
And if they really “suck” at it….just tell them and it will more than likely be a relief to both parties. Maybe not use the word “suck” maybe something “You do sooo many things better than giving a spanking…pass the salt please.”
SGE,
When you’ve had a bad spanking, you’ll know it. There are a whole slew of things which can lead to a not-perfect experience, and we all have them sometime or another.
You’re right. Being straightforward without making the conversation overly serious is likely the best approach.
This question made me think about how truly subjective a spanking experience really is, and how many factors must be working in harmony to produce an outcome that is fulfilling to the spankee.
I know, Dana, that you have mentioned all the physical aspects that determine a successful spanking, but I believe the psychological component must also be considered.
I have been in numerous D/s relationships, and I suppose because a good majority of them were professionals in the scene, I’ve never actually had a “sucky” spanking experience from a physical perspective.
I believe there is an art to spanking and that it can be taught, which reminds me of my first memory with you where you were using me as a demonstration bottom. Before that experience, I don’t know if I would be able to say this, let alone believe it. You obviously have an excellent handle on how to instruct – which I believe from our prior conversations turned out to prove successful. So, to answer part of your question, I believe that is good news – because if we are just talking about delivery in and of itself, there’s a Top for that ;)
Yet even though it’s possible to teach proper administration, it’s still a delicate situation to have to address, especially when there are emotions involved. It could definitely be a blow to the ego to hear that no matter how hard you are trying or what you are doing, that you just suck at doing it. Some of us ultra-sensitive people might want to hit ourselves in the head with a paddle in defeat and throw in the towel, while others might take it as a challenge they intend to conquer – and others, well just everything in between.
It’s not a black and white question and largely has to do with the personalities of the Top and bottom.
Whatever the case, I think SGE makes a very valid point. No matter how innately uncomfortable it might be, the invested parties must communicate. Lack of communication is a detrimental universal influence that threatens all relationships. From what I can gather, even somewhat haphazard attempts at communication are better than none at all – at least there is something to work with and hopefully work through. In this kind of scenario, I’m referring specifically to verbal communication.
While non-verbal cues are crucial, in situations where something is truly not right and it’s not being verbally addressed – non-verbal communication has the potential to lead to small and often not-so-small misunderstandings. In reality, if the spankee isn’t feeling it, it’s likely the Top will be picking up on that, feeding off of it and it’s probably just fueling an awkward situation and breeding resentment and confusion (this goes both ways).
The energy during a scene is crucial to whatever is trying to be achieved. A lack of energy or poor energy signals a problem where intense energy is indicative something is going right. I’ve been in poor energy situations, but mostly because of the “headspace,” I was in, not because of the delivery of the spanking itself. I am able to somewhat objectively identify this due to my dabbling in and out of being a professional bottom and having so many spanking experiences. Were my experiences not so rich and if I were unable to identify with my headspace, it is likely I would have targeted some Tops as having done me a terrible spanking disservice physically – when in reality, it was my mind shaping the experience. Sometimes it’s necessary for bottoms to understand and not discredit their own role in these circumstances.
If the problem is truly about a spanker having not mastered the art, I firmly believe it’s a fixable situation if the message is delivered gently and the spankee makes a genuine effort to tend to the bruised ego and handle the situation delicately. As SGE stated, building up other strengths can be helpful. Hopefully, a resolution exists in that. Asking for assistance/guidance from a professional is great, but even as Larry stated – just watching a few videos and techniques might be helpful enough. But the whole thing just can’t be ignored with wishful thinking that it will magically become a better experience without ever having mentioned that it sucks to begin with. I don’t think one can really pretend his or her way into or out of the situation, either.
As a spankee/personal-bottom/pro-bottom, I can’t really imagine pretending to enjoy a spanking (if it was for fun) or pretending to benefit from or otherwise be affected by one (if it was for disciplinary measures). I just can’t do it, which is why filming is a particular interesting event for me. I perform, I don’t act. It’s very easy to tell (at least I think so) when watching a video – when there is chemistry between participants and when the spankee is genuinely into the experience, or just pretending to be for the camera. That’s probably a whole other topic, but it’s not too far from the target. Even professionals can encounter this issue.
I’m not just saying this to flatter you, Dana, but you have all of the necessary skills to perfect the experience for the spankee. I speak for myself and to the testaments I’ve heard/read from others. For me, I don’t even realize we are role-playing sometimes. With punishments, you know exactly how to physically and psychologically “address” the situation so there is literally no room to fault you. It’s not always pleasant being whacked to death in the sit spot, or have hand prints on my thighs. But I would never consider the spankings to be “bad.” You can work a 10 second spanking or a 10 minute spanking to perfection, whether for fun or punishment. That’s because you “get it” from the perspective of the bottom, your skill with physical discipline and your over-all grace as a Top. I am unsure of whether or not ALL of these things can be taught, yet it is all of these things that make the experience (and probably more). There’s never just one factor.
Even so… there’s still hope if things don’t come together perfectly…
If all else fails, then one can only wish to be as lucky as Erica. It’s very rare that one person can meet all of our needs. If we believe this is the case, we are usually deceiving ourselves and probably burdening someone with expectations that they just can’t meet. Maybe we’ve known this all along but couldn’t let go of the fantasy. Maybe we’ve suspected but given them and ourselves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe we had blind and unrelenting faith and then had reality beat us down with its unkind truth.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing that we might need to seek out different partners/people/friends/lovers/clients/professionals to have different needs met. It’s still not conventionally appreciated, especially when there is some level of intimacy involved – whether physical or emotional. But in the long run, I’d like to believe it makes the primary relationship stronger because it removes that burden and fantasy that one person in the entire universe can be ALL things to us.
^i^ Angel ^i^
Angel,
Having yourself experienced a few ‘bad scenes’, why don’t you tell some of the newbies how/why/when a scene goes badly, and what one might do to recover it…
It’s no different than telling your partner different ways that satisfy you sexually. A relationship grows from beginning to end. There’s nothing wrong with Teaching and then being patient. Besides, I’m sure there’s not a spanko out there that won’t mind trying again and again and again til they get it right!
TampaBratt,
While I agree that it’s basic communication we’re talking about here, I don’t think that most spankos want to have the conversation again and again, ad nauseam…especially if there’s any perceived rejection or judgment from their partner. It’s slippery, isn’t it?
This is a great topic for discussion but hardly unique to spankos. You could easily play Mad Libs and replace “spanking” with any other sexual practice. The key is open communication and the ability to address your partner’s shortcomings without deflating their ego. But I think a key ingredient is to understand why it’s not working for you so you can articulate what would improve it. And also to acknowledge that (as with any sexual encounter) satisfaction goes both ways and make sure your partner’s needs are being fulfilled as well.
Jonny,
Spot on. Again, what we’re stressing is open communication and kindness.
But love doesn’t cure everything. What happens if we’re as understanding as all hell and out partner STILL can’t give a good spanking? Is it okay to get that good spanking elsewhere and still maintain the harmony?
In my search for someone who can keep my bottom tough I have run into the good the bad and the you have absolutely no hope at all.
I have also thrown out a couple of sighs and a couple of sorry this is not going to work myself. There are some people with no rhythm and those people you can not help. Some people just need a little guidance “from the bottom” and some are just naturally good.
Now that being said. I know I am hard to read. My pain tolerance is up there and I don’t give alot of feedback during the spanking. If it is a good one I am usually floating off somewhere. :) I have even been told I suck as a spankee ( never thought a target could suck lol)
Relationship spanking are a lot harder. In all relationships there is give and take and I have ended 2 because the person just sucked at spanking. They thought they were all of that and a bag ofchips and did not want to take any instruction on how to get better. One hit with the side edge of the paddle slightly before the face so it always went right to the bone and the other one had no rhythm what so ever.
So before I get into a relationship status I find out if they are 1. open to spanking and 2. are good at it.
Then you have the experts. Those are the ones that are from Texas and are named after implements. Is it October yet?
Rbertotk,
Sometimes a person’s personality shines through during spanking play – and sometimes it ain’t pretty. Control issues, trust issues….all sorts of different issues, basically. If a partner can’t listen to you, then they’re not a very good partner.
October : Coming soon.