While it’s exciting when we first discover spanking, either in our own private little minds as adolescents, or as questioning young adults with the world now at our fingertips – or maybe even a middle-agers who’ve decided to try a new approach to life in general, the whole shebang can be a little overwhelming.
Sometimes that’s a great thing, and sometimes not.
Not because spanking isn’t great, or because having interest in this type of play is wrong or weird (we’ve already established our normalcy, I think, as far as the term can be defined), but because it’s hard to tap the brakes when you Discover Spanking.
Most of the newbies who contact me are reaching out, tentatively, for the first time – to acknowledge their difference, ask questions, confirm they’re no wacko, or to ask ‘where did this come from?’ Usually, after a bit of discussion and information exchange, they’re ready to make the big leap and hop over someone’s lap ASAP. Totally understandable, given the amount of excitement and anticipation the human mind is capable of conjuring. They want to do it, now or sooner, and want to try it all at once – like one of those never-ending buffets you see at the casinos here in Sin City.
The problem with that? Well, when has overindulgence served us well? If you really tried to eat your way through that endless buffet all at one sitting, you’d darn well deserve the heart attack you’d surely experience while dragging your bloated self out of that booth.
As with everything else in life, your spanking experience should happen naturally, in moderation, and with considered aforethought.
Think of it this way: If you’ve just discovered your interest in spanking, your next move was probably to open a whole bunch of tabs on the interweb, searching things like “spanking”, “adult discipline”, “accountability”, or even (affectionately) “spanking porn”.
You’re immediately inundated with hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of options – websites, blogs, infographics, news stories, opinions both pro and con. It’s a helluva lot to take in, and not everything you read will be accurate and/or reassuring. So you keep looking. You find what looks like what you’re interested in, and you decide to ‘go for it’. Great!
But don’t just grab the first person you see and ask ’em for a spanking, and certainly don’t hop onto social networks and broadcast your interest/need/desire to spank or be spanked to the world right away. Look around, take your time, see how people in the community behave, interact, and (hopefully) respect one another. Choose correspondents and playmates carefully, and don’t try to get yourself spanked three days after you meet someone. Take it slow. You have PLENTY of time for great spanking experiences, but should have none whatsoever for bad ones.
The more homework you do in advance, and the more you educate and ‘enlighten’ yourself about spanking and domestic discipline, the more savvy you’ll be when it comes time to get your spank on.
Even then, don’t try to get all your spanking fantasies out at once. Again, as in life, if we do it all at once, what’s the use of continuing? Try a little hand spanking, maybe a couple implements…see how you feel in the situation first, before you go and construct a bunch of elaborate fantasy roleplays involving judicial punishments and spencer paddles making you cry real tears. It doesn’t happen that way for most of us, and it won’t likely for you either…not if you’re doing it right. (Here is where I insert the disclaimer that the above is entirely my opinion which I willingly inflict on the general public via this blog. You’re welcome to ignore it completely and knock yourself out (possibly literally) in your haste…but don’t come crying to me when it all goes apples up. I’ll just spank you for not listening.)
Read the title again; don’t rush it. It’ll happen, and when it does – wow! – will it be worth the wait.
– Dana
Wow, excellent post! And even more so because you have the experience/expertise backing everything you say.
Thanks BT, you’re a sweetie.~
And ALSO…DON’T be bold enough to search spanking site on the internet…while AT.WORK. I did this back in the late 90s at a job which had endless down time. My boss actually came over to my computer and clicked onto an open tab which had some spanking reference. But I reached over and hastily closed it- practically yanking the computer mouse from her grasp.
I’m sooooo in agreement about careful playmate selection. For a minute or 2 in my early 20s I would have been happy to go across almost anyone’s knee even though I fantasized more about other women spanking me.
In contrast to what you suggest about people easing into spankings by hand , an implement or two, etc, I jumped right into asking for the hardest spankings my partners were able to give without knowing my tolerance. But even if it sounds cocky, I AM and have been a very mentally tough person since childhood so I felt that gave me an advantage in being able to “take what was coming to me!” :) FOR sure my ass hurts plenty during and after but I LOVE that pain. I consider that a great fortune.
But I feel the ones who can’t take a lot of pain but “submit” to punishment/accountability spankings -and end up crying during those spankings are much braver than “pain sluts” if you ask me.
Alexis,
These are SO things I could see myself doing and regretting… Though I can’t say I’m the least bit physically tough, mental strength aside. Excellent points to make, especially about browsing at work. Big no no!! Slightly amusing though lol.
I guess playmate selection depends on availability? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’m not close to Vegas so Ms. Kane is out for me! Being a newbie, I’m completely terrified of it all.
Stick around, Alyssa. You’ll continue to get a lot of really good advice from other gals (and guys) who’ve been through exactly the same thing.
Not going anywhere any time soon, ma’am. Enjoying myself far too much! And the advice is not falling on deaf ears by any means; I appreciate it!
Alexis,
You’re ALWAYS getting up to something, aren’t you? (Don’t answer that – you’ll just further incriminate yourself.)
Thanks for weighing in with an experienced – and smartass – voice for the newbies.
Ms. Kane,
This one struck a chord (but I’m sure you’re not surprised to hear that). Digging in my heels and slowing myself to a near stop. It’s all very exciting and a little scary, too. You are a fountain of wisdom on the subject, and I know I will do my very best to heed your advice, being a brand-new, very inexperienced and potentially naive individual rushing head-long at this delightful world! Duly noted, ma’am, and thanks for sharing.
xo
Alyssa,
Just go for it girl! Go big or go home! Safety first though. And I do agree with Alexis above! It is nice to know your tolerance level. Unless you are being punished that is. No warm ups for those kind right. And oh yea! I almost forgot… Being patient did work in my favor.
Spanking is so flipping fun! Sometimes I don’t even know what to think about it. It’s just so crazy cool!! It has and always will be apart of my core!
Kay,
Thank you, too, for weighing in on this. As a relative newbie yourself, it’s nice to know that you too are taking things slowly in your process (except when you’re being punished, you’re correct there) and enjoying it every step of the way!
Alyssa,
I thought you might see some of yourself in this post, as will some of my other new correspondents. You don’t have to stop, just make sure that you keep your priorities in order – spanking can’t be at the top, but should definitely be on the list.
Thanks, Kay. I feel like it’s a big part of me, too! And it’s certainly not going anywhere.
Ms. Kane, Priorities: check. Well, almost. Working on it.
Right on, Dana, right on! I quickly learned to slow down when I first came out. The first woman who spanked me was knowledgeable, caring, and concerned. It was a wonderful experience. So, naturally, as an excited newbie, I dove in quickly for my second spanking. Not being able to connect with the first spanker, I accepted a spur of the moment invitation from someone whom I had neither met nor had recommended to me. I was beaten black and blue in under five minutes, and not just on my bottom. I did not know enough to use a safe word. After a long hiatus due to that experience, I returned, educated myself, and have vowed to help others.
Mitch,
Yours is exactly the kind of cautionary tale that newcomers should hear, and heed, when starting out.
Even with exhaustive research and lots of contemplation, sometimes the ‘chemistry’ isn’t there, but that’s better than having yourself brutalized because neither you or your spanker knew what you wanted.
We have to learn to verbalize our wants and needs before we give ’em a go sometimes.
Thanks!
I don’t understand how middle-agers can all at once try spanking as a new approach. My personal desire to be spanked or be excited by the thought of spanking goes back as far as I can remember. I still haven’t figured out where this desire comes from although I have a couple of theories.
James
James,
Some of us are born ‘hard-wired’ with an interest in spanking, but many, MANY others come to the ‘scene’ much later in life. Lots of these folks are looking for an alternative to traditional therapy, and a whole bunch more are people who, like all of us, have changed, grown, and evolved…sometimes that evolution contains spanking. Thank goodness for new blood…ahem, butts!
I’ve given up on the ‘where it comes from’ line of thinking. The truth, in my opinion, is that it doesn’t really matter much, so long as we respect ourselves for the wanting.
I have am one of those hardwired to it and although I had some bad experiences growing up, I knew how much I wanted it and learned what I wanted through much trial and error,
It was time and Disciplinarians like Ms Kane and others who know and recognize by experience what the person is going through and when to slow down or pour it on!
So when I say I’LL Be Good I Promise they know its time to just turn up the heat! I mean Slow down :-”
This post is very well written and if you want to learn go meet any of the nice Lady’s to the right in Ms Kane’s More Disciplinarian’s list they will help you with your journey and you will both have fun doing it
This is good advise for any one starting out!
I have a Very Low tolerance to pain ‘LOL’ So meeting Ms Kane allowed me to control how much I received! LOL
This Post was not written while Ms Kane was standing behind me tapping her foot!
(I am ALWAYS standing behind you tapping my foot..)
Thank you for writing this Ms.Kane. As someone who has always had an interest in spanking, but has just starting to have experiences it’s exactly what I needed to hear.
Living near the LA area has been both a good and bad thing for me. There are a ton of groups and clubs but unfortunately I believe I’m going about it the wrong way. Which is going alone. Being 5 foot tall and petite I have had to think of safety first and stop going to these places. This post made me realize there’s no rush. I think the first step should be to find a friend to go along with me.
KC,
KC,
The Buddy System is the ONLY way to go when attending events, especially as a newbie (and a petite woman, although some Judo lessons would fix that~). In large cities like Los Angeles, there’s usually a very large and diverse BDSM community – but, for most dyed-in-the-wool spankos, the leather and whips and nipple clamps can be a bit unnerving.
I suggest that you specifically seek out smaller spanking groups around your area. If you’re not already there, try fetlife.com – CAVEAT: Don’t upload a photo of your face (!), don’t give anyone your legal name, address, or real phone/email, and don’t meet anyone who you can’t qualify through other, experienced players. Try reading Erica Scott’s blog (ericalscott.wordpress.com) – she’s in the L.A. area and has years of experience in the find-a-sane-playmate department.
Have fun!
MISS KANE… I will uh…behave on THIS post since your advice is so well intentioned for all readers/playmates.
One thing I forgot to add is there is ALWAYS the self spanking route to test one’s stamina either with hand spankings and or whatever implements you are drawn to. Experiment both over clothing layers and bare bottomed.
I sometimes do this right before a session or if I’m in the mood for a sore ass between spanking sessions. LOL For ME it takes forever and a day to get ANY satisfaction because I end up fatiguing my arm LONG before my ass wears out.
But I draw the line at purchasing one of those idiotic looking “spanking machines” I’ve seen advertised on Spanking Tube. :)
Alexis,
Those spanking machines are the worst, aren’t they?
Thanks again for the sage wisdom. oxxo
Ha!…(as usual) point well made Ms. Dana!! Hey…Kay, stole my line…GO BIG or GO HOME! (lol)
Yep Kay, I went BIG, and when I got HOME I wanted more. Such happens when you wait decades to finally let your ‘Spanko’ self out-of-the-closet.
Yes, for any newbies, I did hours of endless research before I decided to send Ms. Dana Kane an email. I feel extremely blessed to have been able to recently visit Dana in Vegas for my very first OTK spanking. To say the least, the experience was mind-blowing, butt-altering, and quite the rush (lol).
So, Dana Ma’am — I guess I won’t see you until after Hawaii ;) I will do my best to slow my roll…no pun intended…lol. Oops, did I just tell on myself…you know I can not tell a lie. Although, one of these days I might just have to try; just so you can put me over your knee, again!
For all you experienced Spanko’s, it is very entertaining, enlightening, and enjoyable to read your comments. I learn a lot from your input. Thank you! We all had to start somewhere, right?!?
Yes Dana, cheers to brand ‘new’ butts…they can be a lot of fun also! Just sayin…
Stacy,
‘Slow your roll’ – I love that. Yes, some of you newbies are like little spanko sponges who’ve been waiting your whole lives to soak it all up. But(t) what happens when you try to do that?…
Black-n-blue for weeks, as you well remember.
Enjoy your vacation, and behave.~ oxxo
Lucky girl, Stacy. Both the spanking and the vacation! Mostly the spanking. I feel like I’m way too big of a wimp to go big…I’d probably end up just going home. But good for you, girl! I will continue to live vicariously through all you lovely people (though I won’t pretend I don’t envy you all!!)
Hi Alyssa,
No competition here, girl. Dana can attest to how feakin’ nervous I was my very first time OTK. No doubt, you would do just great! Dana is so easy to work with…and trust me — I am a person who would not just let any person spank me like Dana did.
Everyone’s experience is individual, none of us can compare ourselves to the other. I am just so grateful to have finally found a forum of people that ‘get it’.
Yes…I am fortunate to be heading to the tropics. I have not been on an actual vacation in over 10 years, except my recent visit to Vegas. It has been a very eventful and fulfilling 2015 so far…I wish everyone else the same fortune!
Well…Dana,
Ha! Only black-and-blue for 10 days. Apparently, my ‘sponge’ recovers quite quickly…go figure?! I’d say that you might be surprised, however, you have met me right?!? (lolol). As, I believe you stated, “your butt was born for this”. Once again, you appear to be accurate in your ‘no-nonsense’ assessment of things. Imagine that…?? Yes, I was pleasantly surprised…makes me want to push the envelope even farther…I am sure you would be willing to oblige. More on that later :)
Ummm…can’t guarantee I will behave myself because his Birthday will be during the time we are in Hawaii. He can party and dance like a ‘rock star’! It is going to be crazy fun :) I may have to get a little ‘naughty’…my sweet boy seems to pull that out in me…yikes – lol.
Hugs!!
Thank you Ms. Kane for this post…I’ve gotten.a little behind keeping up with reading the posts since I’ve been a bit of a workaholic lately but definitely glad I tuned in as I feel I relate to some comments above. It’s helpful to hear your thoughts and things to be considered as I can be a little naïve when excited. It’s also fun and helpful to see everyone else’s experiences too since it’s all so new for me. I have to admit I’ve been on cloud 9 ever since discovering your site …people are probably wondering what I’ve been smiling about these days:) the fantasies have really taken off and there are moments of real impatience… however, most of it’s in my head at the moment as I too am 5 foot nothing and don’t really know anyone who could participate or go places with yet..I’ve browsed Fetlife though and loved reading Erica Scott’s book. Trusting something comes together at some point when the time is right but definitely hoping even more I can have the honour and privilege to see you some day :) Either way, since I haven’t rushed I guess I wouldn’t be spanked at least not for not listening
Lei,
There’s nothing at all wrong with fantasizing wildly – as long as you’re not driving or taking care of small children or overseeing liquid nitrogen at the time.~
Safety FIRST, second, and third, ladies (and gentlemen, too).
I’ll be here. No rush.