“Red. Yellow. Green. Mercy”….”That’s too hard. It hurts. Please stop”….
Balderdash. Nonsense. Tosh. Rubbish. It is NOT too hard. It’s supposed to hurt. No way, Jose.
Safe words are useless to me. Allowing my spankee to relieve him/herself of the discomfort of a spanking by spewing random words into the room is a Hard Limit.
Spanking – even punishment spanking – is about consent.
It’s also about trust.
If my playmate has so little trust in me that he must have a special word at hand to gain control of me at a moment’s notice, then it’s likely that we have not gotten to know one another well enough just yet. If I am uncertain of his full consent before the spanking begins, well…it’s not going to happen.
Instead, I require that my spankee engage me – with his eyes and his voice – and politely request a short break. I believe, and have seen through my own experiences, that requiring the bottom to make eye contact and verbally express his inability to ‘take it’ requires a lot more chutzpah than bleating some random word or phrase into the floorboards. I am convinced that holding the spankee responsible for his or her own discipline is an empowering and uplifting circumstance.
Also, by removing the safe-word option, the bottom has the opportunity to say all those things which, under safe-word circumstances, would likely leave the spanker wondering whether they’d gone too far:
“Please stop, please!”
“Ohmygod, it hurts! That’s too hard!!”
“I don’t think I can take it!”
“Okay, okay…I changed my mind..”
I have heard all these and more. Begging, cajoling, outright insistence that I stop immediately…
All simply reasons to spank harder, scold more convincingly, and manhandle my spankee.
If you need a break, twist your little neck around, look me straight in the eye, and ask for it. Otherwise, your protestations and safe words will fall on deaf, spank-obsessed ears.
– Dana
Disclaimer: These are my opinions. They may or may not reflect your preferred play style or opinions. If not, let’s just agree to disagree.
Well said Dana. Consent and trust are key. Each time I’ve asked to be pushed to but not exceed my limit of tolerance. Each time you’ve done exactly that. With a simple safe word I probably would have used it – and greatly regretted it afterward. Your ability to recognize tolerance levels through observation of body language and reaction makes you the true professional your are.
I so agree with this. Trust is essential for both parties.
We trust you not to cause serious damage and you trust us to be honest about experience and severity level. You trust us to look you in the eye if anything unexpected goes wrong and we trust you to give us a good hiding whatever else we do. Sounds ideal to me.
We can still be grown-ups even when playing.
I recognize that No Begging sign..
:)
And only used a yellow once.. But she gave me the next three hard and fast.
Never used the quit word, never had to, in this incarnation of me anyway..
But it should be there, as not everyone is like you Ms Kane.
Especially if your going into other areas away from C.P.
Of course you can also get a break in proceedings by winding her up by swearing, or making them laugh, or breaking their cane..
Hee hee hee..
Stewart(UK)
I have mixed feelings on this subject. I should start out by saying I hate safe words. Especially that red and yellow business — I’d feel foolish shouting out colors. And I agree that safe words are subject to overuse/abuse by some bottoms. When I’m playing with a trusted partner, I know they can read my body language, hear the changes in my voice. I am a strong bottom and I take what I earn with my big mouth. Tops who know me well can tell by a certain desperation in my sounds or an urgency in my body language when to give me a moment to catch my breath without my uttering a word.
HOWEVER… I do see the value of the safe word in the scene overall. Especially at parties and dungeons, when one is playing with unfamiliar partners. There are times when a bottom is in legitimate distress, not just fretting about the spanking pain. Something else might be going on. Certain stray shots (which happen to everyone), for example, are excruciating. I was once accidentally struck, very hard, between the cheeks, which is out of bounds for me. (I didn’t use a safe word, though. I just screamed bloody murder and rolled away.)
For another example, once when in the middle of a discipline-style scene where I was hog-tied, my left shoulder began to hurt horribly. So I murmured to my top, “Time out — left shoulder.” Barely missing a beat, he loosened the ropes on the left slightly and then continued.
Rather than safe words, I prefer tops who check in. Look at my skin, make sure I’m breathing, stop and whisper in my ear. Not every five seconds, just once in a while. That helps me feel more connected (and therefore, more trusting) with them.
I’m sorry – I would have commented sooner, but Angel clogged my Twitter feed and I had to get the plunger out first. She should certainly be punished :)
So, to be spanked *harder*, should one insist that you stop immediately, or should they twist their little neck around and ask politely? I’m thinking that doesn’t happen much though…
Anthony
For those who are seeking a punishment spanking then code words shouldn’t be used as long as you trust the person doing it .Myself most of the time when i spank i use code words unless its aserious session ,communtication is important at all times .When im on the receiving end i dont normally play hard yes i like a long spanking with hand and a brush and i can take a lot when i play that way . I did however have asession recently with alady for the 1st time,no warm up and she used wood leather etc on me after about 30 min i asked for a break which we did ,30 min later we started again for another 30 no codewords ,she gave me the hardest spanking i ever had not what i was expecting i had trouble sittingfor 4 days the next lady i playh with we will have to have trust
Dana, you couldn’t have said it better. “Spankings” are supposed to hurt”
As always, wonderfully sensible and articulate thoughts from Ms. Dana Kane. I could perhaps see the utility of safewords for a first session, if top & bottom don’t yet know how to read each other. But even there, a sensitive top will almost always have the experience to read the situation to a tee. Many posters too have rightly mentioned trust; that’s what really replaces the artificial safety net of safe words. For most of us, being brought past our comfort zone, past our point of control, is what the spanking experience is all about; and how can that happen if we’re still able to, frankly, top from the bottom? Much better all around to visit a top with whom communication is automatic and authentic, and ler take it away!
I would go so far as to say that all my recent spankings as an adult have been punishment, Like you Miss Dana, my Aunty does not listen to my pleas, my crying or any outbursts, excepting to warn me that she is going to step up the severity of the punishment if I misbehave. Aunty considers plea bargaining as dissent and that gets a more severe punishment. Love your attitude towards your bottoms and to spanking in general
Mario
Several posters above have picked up on the importance of trust. In my view if you don’t trust your play partner sufficiently not to have a safe-word, it’s questionable whether you should be playing with them at all.
Having said that, sadly not all tops/players are as responsible as Dana (& certainly not as much fun) – but again in this case they’re probably best avoided.
UKL
I firmly believe in safe, sane and consensual (although I’ve been in situations where one, or two, or three of these elements were lacking) – but I also believe “safe” words border on ridiculous. This is not meant to offend those who find them necessary. Crying, begging, pleading, sometimes even screaming – are all emotional outlets and in safe, sane and consensual circumstances never mean “stop.” Neither does “banana,” which I could never see myself blurting out mid-spanking. Just knowing a safe word is an option would dampen the experience for me and I would feel deprived of that authenticity I am seeking. But I might be of a different breed, altogether, because I also believe once I have given the “original consent” that there should be no communication to allow me a reprieve. Yes, it is more difficult to communicate by having to look someone in the eye and verbally express genuine discomfort – but there is still room for manipulation, there is still room for internal conflict. I don’t trust myself to know when enough is enough (and I’m not incapable of manipulating myself) and in punishment scenes I think it should not apply at all, whether it is an imposed or requested punishment. This is why, in my case, it’s a potentially hazardous situation to intimately play with a Domme or Top who I don’t have a tremendous amount of faith in to protect me physically and emotionally, and to not inflict damage in the process of inflicting pain. Ms. Dana Kane is obviously on the “trusted and capable” list, for which I offer her my most sincere gratitude. Xo.
I also believe newbies are equally accountable for their own safety. He or she should do the necessary homework to make sure a top is the right fit.
One of my 1st adult spankings occurred because I craved one so badly, I called an ad for dominant services offered in the back of a local paper. Luckily for me, the experience was a safe, positive one. But the top requested a neutral meeting at his house a day or so before the spanking.
Feeling really bold and sure of myself, and not having a clue whether or not I had a high pain tolerance I asked for him to spank and paddle me as hard as he could. Fortunately, I do have a very high tolerance, but I wouldn’t recommend requesting that type of spanking from a virtual stranger. And people with high tolerance should have much trust with their spankers because it’s too easy to get caught in the moment of wanting to compete, endure, and make the other person proud that some lasting damage may occur if there is carelessness involved.
Ask alot of questions prior to a spanking. If a person says, I want to be spanked just to redness-NO lasting marks, the top should be ok with this request? Or if the person says ‘do what you want to me, I “deserve” it’, hopefully the top won’t feel it’s necessary to draw blood unless the person gives prior consent.
OK, wow, I don’t even know where to start on this topic. It has been on my mind a lot lately as people on my fet groups seem to think dumping the responsibility on the Top be it emotional, physical or what have you is OK. It is not.
Even in the context of a D/s or play relationship it is the bottoms responsibility to take care of themselves, it is and always has been my responsibility to make sure I am safe. So when I have a relationship where punishment is an option, you better believe I have done my best to get to know someone, nurture the friendship and build trust…trust as it happens, is a two way street a Top needs to know you are not going to melt down, cry wolf about abuse or use them as an a warm body to swing a belt.
Safe-wording during a spanking, especially a punishment is complete and total BS, it is a cop out and a breach of an agreement. The flip side is that if a Top is unsure of their abilities to read a bottom or trust themselves and stop, I will loose respect.
I do not “play” with safe words and I sure as heck don’t get punished or disciplined with them either. I have enough self respect and self esteem to only engage in a D/s relationship with someone I know and trust. Someone who has my well being in mind and who can accept my service graciously in return for the attention I am given…and trust me I can be a handful at times.
As much as I would like to think I am stoic about punishments I am not. With a friend who is a Top who is allowed to punish I have been known to cry before the 1st smack but I accept the punishment or consequence, I don’t try to get out of it, because ultimately I know it will hurt but I will not be harmed or injured. But yeah, you have never heard the pleas and the crying or the begging quite like mine. It is how I deal with the pain.
Gosh people are really pissing me off lately. I need to stay of fet for a few days.
I am completely new to the world of spanking and have not yet had my first spanking experience but bottoms need to do their damn research! If a bottom flagrantly goes into a situation with a top they know nothing about or have built some kind of trust with, well, safe words are probably necessary for your personal safety. I’ve researched for quite some time before deciding Dana was the right person for me and up until this blog tonight, I didn’t even know what her stance was on safe words. In the end, it didn’t really matter to me. If I’m going to request her services, I am willing to abide by her rules. I don’t think she’s unreasonable. If she were to let me get away with half the words she mentioned (and I totally would!), I would likely walk away unsatisfied with my experience. I don’t want to risk that but I also have the trust I need to feel safe with her too. I can’t imagine it any other way….
Thank you all so much for getting in on the conversation.
I believe that the best thing for us to do is discuss our differences – we don’t have to agree, we just have to respect the choices of others.
That’s sort of the idea with safe words, too, that we respect one another. Always.
You all ROCK!
– Dana
I have been playing for many years and it’s quite refreshing to hear Dana express a very controversial stance when it comes to safe words.
If I’ve agreed to or “earned” a good spanking, NOTHING ruins the whole thing like knowing I have a safe word! I usually become a big wimp and use the safe word when things get a little tough. And I always regret doing so!
Another thing I “hate” is when the spanker starts holding back when I’m struggling during what is supposed to be a punishment-style spanking… I put “hate” in quotes because I appreciate the gesture at the time but almost always afterwards I feel “betrayed” or something…
If you think about it, backing off can be a huge breach of trust during what is supposed to be a “punishment” spanking! Maybe that’s why backing down bothers me so much…
That said, sometimes things like a sore shoulder or whatever happens. I think those types of things need to be addressed compassionately by the top. If for no other reason than to remove any distractions from the matter at hand… the pain you’re feeling in your rear end! LOL But to back off or stop the spanking because your butt hurts too much? As much as it scares me to admit this, I think it’s better to follow through than to back off.
I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Dana, but this page makes me think that might have to change soon! :)
I totally agree, backing off when I start to struggle feels like counterproductive in discipline punishment spanking. If it that type of spanking and my boyfriend back off or stops, I feel I’m letting him down even though I have relinquished control of this spanking to him. I actual asked for a real no nonsense spanking about every other month or so. I like this power exchange that happens and I feel the of energy and cathartic release from being spanked beyond being able to make words. It’s that feeling of not being in control anymore and while the pain is intense and physical I want it to stop and I and I’m yelling, begging and for it to stop, deep inside I want need him continue and turn it up notch and keep going until I change from yelling into a pillow to crying hard and getting that endorphin release. Sure I have burses and welts but that tranquil feeling of being centered again is wonderful. The pain from the spanking is catalyst to release negative emotions. So, sometimes I do ask for a no-nonsense no safe word spanking with no specified number and keep going until I really sobbing. I have to remind my boyfriend before the spanking start to not to back off just because I am starting to struggle and to actual start the non stop rapid fire swats with no pauses between whacks until I get to that sobbing release. I have to remind him that for this one, he gets to decide when I had enough and I trust him explicitly and I really want this. I have to remind of that because he is always so gentle and has always stopped when I yell out safe word. But every one in a while, I need and want a real blistering with his office belt or flat part of the handle of a bamboo backscratcher from the dollar store he has, or a combination of both.
I had some somewhat mild-moderate spankings from a gal in Sacramento in the springtime, and then a moderate-severe spanking from a gal in Seattle in May. The gal in Sacramento is too easy-going for the need for a safe-word, with anyone, I think, even though we did about 100 hard strokes with a paddle. She wanted to be sure not to hurt me . . .
The gal in Seattle does “hurt” people and we scheduled for 2 hours, and to include caning, among her variety of implements, but I did not opt this time (the first time with her) for her to include her single-tail whip. It was our first visit together and when I arrived, I explained that my purpose was to see if the spanking would help me in seeking God or hearing from God, and that, my having a safe word would probably be counter-productive. So, my idea of a safe word, if any, would be “I am having a heart attack,” and it would only count if I were actually having a heart attack.
I did not have a heart attack, either verbally or in reality . . . At the beginning, I had brought with me photos of a judicial caning from Singapore and also photos of a peron’s butt and thighs after he was spanked and caned for 2 or 3 hours. I had said, “Not this, I hope,” about the judicial caning photos and “This is possible and OK,” about the other.
After the spanking, my butt and thighs were like those in the photo I had brought as “possible,” yet frankly, I had not been close to tears and don’t think I really screamed–not sure as I was gagged as well as bound.
After that spanking from Miss S, because I felt things could have been more intense, and that it would have been doable and meaningful for me, I have begun to collect some delryn and bamboo canes from cane-iac (and other locations) and I am pondering the “dragon tail whip” from cane-iac. I also figure that at the next severe spanking visit from a professional provider, I may offer a tip/bonus for tears or my asking her to stop. We will hope I am not too crazy.
It is very important to know and trust your top. Your limits need to be communicated and any health issues to the top. With the that, there should be no need for a safe words.
Personal, I like a real spanking like the kind that goes on until I am bawling, sobbing and crying.
I finally opened up to boyfriend of 8 month that I like spanking. So we tried a few times. He spanked me until he was comfortable once. Than he spanked me until I safe worded out a few times. He gave me a timed 2 minutes hand spanking a few weeks later which was pretty good. Than I told what I really wanted to try.
Told him I wanted a very long no-nonsense real discipline punishment style spanking until I am crying beyond my ability to make words. I want no safe word, no time limit, no swat limit, no protection absolutely bare ass and no warm up this time. I told him I want to try to experience the thrill and adrenaline rush of making the choice to submit to it and to see if I can will myself to do. I just wanted to be held afterwards. He was very reluctant at first and we talked about it for days. I asked him for the rapid fire hard and fast style whacks but not at beginning. I wanted him to start off slower and build up so that that the spanking last longer. At first he wasn’t wanting to because he was concerned welts and bruises. After telling him that I expected that. Its still took him over week before he realized I was serious. He finally decided to give it a try.
We had to wait for his roommate to leave for the weekend like he planned to do. We got to his place. I pushed my jeans and panties all the down to my knees. He put me over his lap started spanking me with his hand really hard for a really long time. He let me up and I did that post spanking hop. Stiffened up, flew my hands over my ass as I pushed my hips forward and began rubbing frantically as I was hoping up and down. I was far from crying but I sure was fussing because that was the hardest and longest hand spanking I had ever got. After I calmed down enough stay in one place. He went to his room and came back with a pillow. He handed it to me and than pulled off he leather thin office belt doubled it half and asked me. “Ok, are you sure, no safe word, no time limit and no swat limit?” I respond with a yes. “Ok, that means I decide when this whippin stops not you, you sure that’s what you want, a belt thrashing until you are crying so hard you can’t make out words?”
There I was jeans and panties down to ankles now. As I was still rubbing I looked directly into his eyes, I shuffled over and gently put my arms around him and hugged him. I kissed him ever so gently and I and said, “Yes, please, I really do want to try this. So please don’t hold back but just start of slowly before you tear into me with those rapid fire ones ok?” “You’ll get quit a few before I finish you off. Remember, your safe word is nullified the moment you lay over couch.
I laid over the arm of the couch sweezed his bed pillow like a teddy bear. He started in hard and continuous about one whack per second and it just seem to go on and on. I was fussing and yelling and kicking quite a bit every time the belt came down. Than right no where he was tore into my ass really fast. It took my breath away. I shoved my face I to my pillow and started biting it trying to muffle my screaming. He wasn’t stopping, instinctively I tried shouting my safe word but he ignored it and he kept whacking away. I was kicking and screaming and it went on and on. I don’t know how long it lasted but I finally broke into sobbing but he still kept whipping my ass hard and fast. When he stopped I was bawling so hard I was hiccup crying and my eyes were all puffy and stinging as tears were flowing and my noise was running. I just laid there sobbing. I couldn’t believe I was actually able to will myself to accept it. Its was pure release and he held me until I calmed down and afterwards I felt so tranquil and centered. I thanked him for giving me what I asked for.
Great story, Kim – thanks for sharing!