Readers,
Mind if I slide my soapbox out from under the sofa? It’ll only take a minute…
I know that there are as many kinds of fetishists as there are people and that variety speaks for a lot, but I seem to be experiencing an uptick in the number of Unacceptable Correspondences of late and have to comment on a few things which I believe all of us should already know.
*For the uninitiated, these are called Common Courtesies in my house (which includes my blog, my email, and anything else which I can selfishly call mine).
**I should also mention that many of these things MAY not get you into trouble with every disciplinarian, and I make no statement or judgment about other’s acceptable practices. What I WILL say is that you’re not likely to get yourself into trouble anywhere else, if you follow a few simple protocols.
How to Not Insult the Lady with the Paddle
1. Although it’s terribly difficult, try not to refer to your genitals in correspondence. Seriously, we all have them, so you’re not bestowing any groundbreaking information with Junk Talk – and trust me, we’ve all heard entirely too many genital details already. Be original and try sticking to things like thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Hey, maybe even spanking!
2. Same goes for filthy language. I don’t mean general use curse words here, but the ones you’d never say in front of your grandma. A good rule of thumb is that, if you wouldn’t say it at grandma’s 90th birthday party, then I probably don’t want to hear it either.
3. Sex. See #1. If I specifically ask about your sex life, sexual technique, or sex ninja exploits – well, you’ll be the first.
(Now’s a good time to say that I a)talk about sex, b)have sex, and c)can be a downright bawdy gal under the right circumstances, so I’m not saying don’t BE who you are. Simply BE the you who has sense enough not to talk about that crap to me – especially if we don’t even know one another in Real Life.)
4. Play by the rules. This one’s specifically for those who exuberantly share/submit their spanking stories before ever having read the posting guidelines. Again, there is much information on the nature of my puritanical and iron-fisted demand for squeaky-cleanliness.
5. Don’t ask me to explain the rules of engagement to you; if you’ve reached the ripe old age of (fill in the blank) without the good sense to behave politely then I cannot help you.
6. If you’re lucky enough to get away with a “warning” about your behavior, heed it. Most don’t get a second, and nobody gets a third. You want discipline, buddy? Here ya go…discipline yourself right out the door.
7. Remember that your disciplinarian is not a prostitute, phone sex worker, sexual wellness counselor, or humping post. If your sexual needs are going unmet, it’s your responsibility to see to them. In other words, try to get laid someplace else, ’cause I’m just here for the spanking. Thanks.
8. The bottom line: As I spank my way around this country, yanking both men and women across my lap in what is always a private and intimate setting, I want to be just as comfortable and able-to-trust as you are in that moment. You can make that happen *just like that* by simply minding your manners.
Is that asking too much? Because, if it is, I’ll quote MY grandma:
“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.”
– Dana
PS. I’ll add that you don’t want to become part of a pop culture cautionary tale, either..
My friend Erica Scott receives so much trollish email that she’s put it all together into a BOOK – called Correspondence Hall of Shame. She’s recorded hundreds (if not thousands) of rude, embarrassing, and unintelligible emails over the years. She’s also published a great many of the more remarkable ones publicly, along with her scathingly hilarious commentary. You don’t want to be one of THOSE people, do you?
This is fabulous advice to dispense. It’s also well written in layman’s terms where there should be ZERO inability to comprehend your wishes!
If people are “testing” the boundaries asking outlandish, offensive, inappropriate, etc, etc requests and or comments to you, they’re FORTUNATE to even get one warning.
Something about online communication seems to bring out the most intentionally ignorant commenters where we all know that NO they would NOT make those remarks to a loved one or a person they respect face to face!
Now I’m the first to admit I am also a brash bawdy person who enjoys sex, and sex talk in the right situation and with the right audience. I also have a genuinely aggressive personality where a great deal of my verbal and written expressions are swear laden tirades when I’m really angry.
BUT…I do have the good sense and respect to greatly minimize if not eliminate those tendencies when I correspond with you.
Lastly…”Humping Post”!!! THIS term made me choke on iced tea laughing aloud.
Alexis,
I thought ‘humping post’ had a nice ring..
It’s always nice to make sure that you’ve covered all your bases, just in case someone decides to come along later and say, “Well, you never SAID I couldn’t talk about my junk.”~~~
Amen! (And thank you for the book plug!) But you do realize you’re preaching to the choir, right? The people who need to read and heed this the most are the ones who aren’t reading. They’re too busy… well, you know.
So much of this is common sense, which, alas, seems to be uncommon these days.
Erica,
How is it that we were commenting on one another’s blogs simultaneously?? Crazy…
I figure that, since the choir’s a relatively captive audience, then they at least will receive the message. Can’t hurt, right?
Ms Dana,
Would it be considered going against common courtesies if I start bratting to the point where you declare another Delrin type punishment? It’s kind of hard to do now days without Twitter, but I’m sure I could do something bratty to earn a great DK punishment. Unless of course, you have finally admitted defeat and accepted the reality that I cannot be brought under subjection by anyone.
Desperately needing a serious DK/WW session, or a DK session followed by a WW session.
VBB,
Yes, it would.
Since it’s been so long, let’s just call it even – we ALL know you’ve done something to deserve it, so let’s just *do* it. Soon.
oxxo
Not speaking of the Elephant In The Room is learned behavior. Not bringing it up requires both a great deal of concentration and control over that which makes you speak in the first place, and even more of the same to not speak explicitly of that which is really in the back of one’s mind… or at the forefront thereof as might be the case.
Lett us all be grateful for learned manners of etiquette.
Thank you for writing so wittily about it.
Florin,
I second that gratitude…thank you.
Oh, one question: of the offenders, how many are men, is it possible to tell?
Haha!
Florin,
Guess…
Iliked what u wrote MsKane
Thanks, Gary.
Never insult the Lady with the Paddle.
Hear, Hear!
This is sound advice, Dana. I wonder if the ones you are referring to will heed it. It is good of you to give them another warning on here. You have a good heart and a strong arm, especially when you’re wielding a paddle. Ha Ha.
People, Respect the lady with the PADDLE. Thank you.
Thank YOU, Anna, for always being so very polite. You’re a good role model.
I find it disheartening that this sort of post is even necessary to try to avert inappropriate behaviour, but I hopefully it spares you some uncomfortable experiences.
I have my doubts that it will, however, as the misfit schmoes who act badly are probably not among the people who read and consider this post. It might be helpful to you if you actually posted a link to the post, or otherwise reiterated its substance as clearly, with such vivid and humorous examples, on your appointments page.
One of the difficulties you face is the fact that some disciplinarians, and perhaps this varies by geography as well as personality, do cater to more sexual content. And obviously spanking has salacious interest to everyone, or almost everyone, who is reading this or is likely to try to schedule an appointment — much as I like to believe that most people who are into spanking tend to be fairly intelligent, no doubt there are some troglodyte dolts who are unable to discern what’s appropriate unless you constantly reiterate rules and expectations. And even then, some will use creative intellectual gymnastics to convince themselves that you’re “just saying” those things because you have to, not because they reflect your actual intentions.
All you can do is keep reiterating the rules, and using tangible, nitty gritty examples in an amusing way, like you did in this post, is the best way to minimize inappropriate incidents.
Like the new look of the blog, by the way!
Great idea Arrogant Brat! I may just link that post to ‘appointments’…
Is it disrespectful of me to say that while I understood where you were going with each item several made me laugh or smile to myself? I just love the way you write. You have such a frank way of putting things that just tickles me. I’m not well known and I don’t have a blog and even I get all sorts of crude emails. I do wonder sometimes if the things these people send really get responses. It would seem they would stop behaving that way if it wasn’t working.
Not at all, Secret, we try to have fun ’round here, even when the going gets tough. As for repeat offenders, well, somebody’s gotta be the jerk, right?
Thanks for commenting!