It’s well-discussed that spankees should learn, know, and protect their Hard Limits – the things in which they are not interested in participating. I always want to know what my playmates like and don’t like, but I’m most interested in their Hard Limits. I don’t touch those – don’t even graze ’em. It’s important, at least to my mind, for those in my hands to know that, even though they’re likely in for a tough time, they can trust that I won’t go ‘there’…wherever ‘there’ is for them.
So if someone tells me that canes are an absolute no-no for them, then they may rest assured that I will never, but never, strike them with one. If that same person has an aversion to complete nudity, they may, albeit against my better judgment, remain partially clothed at all times. Trust is fragile, you shouldn’t mess about with it. I get that. I also respect the wishes of others, possibly sometimes to a fault, as I’ve gathered on more than one occasion that a playmate was somehow hoping that I would use the information against them. I get it – the notion that your top would exceed your Hard Limit is probably a high-ranking bottom fantasy – but it’s not gonna happen. At least not here.
Conversely, there are some other things which aren’t gonna happen here because they’re MY Hard Limits. These things really have very little to do with you and what you desire (isn’t that horribly selfish of me?), and at this point in my play experience are pretty damn universal.
Without further adieu, my Hard Limits :
1. BDSM
Let me be clear here – I am in no way knocking S&M. Some of my best friends are dominatrices, and that’s not a punchline. However, and to be completely frank, I suck at it. I’ve tried – trust me, I’ve tried. But the clothes are restrictive and sweaty, I’m not coordinated enough to swing a single tail, and – most importantly – humiliation is NOT my forte’. The gadgets required to properly torture genitalia appear to be very expensive and extremely fiddly to operate, and I’ve no idea what the curve is on CBT Operator Error. Bondage is pretty but most knot-work renders the buttock area inaccessible, totally killing the rest of the evening for me. Also, I’m never sure what exactly I’m supposed to do to you once I get you tied up like a roast pig. And how long before the circulation to your ears cuts off, anyway?
Of course, I DO love to hit people, and don’t necessarily mind if that doesn’t always occur on the rear, but…
2. I will not cane/paddle/otherwise-strike-with-a-hard-object the inside of your thighs.
Why?
Google ‘femoral artery’.
3. For basically the same sane medical reasoning as #2, I will not strike your hands/palms/wrists with anything larger or more lethal than a balsa wood ruler.
Look, there’s a reasonable expectation of discomfort and, in many cases, even the expectation of marking or bruising. But when it comes right down to it, I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in actually injuring you. I don’t care whether it’s okay with you or not – it’s not okay with me.
The buttocks are a gladly-placed mass of overlapping muscles, fat, and bazillions of teeny little nerve endings. No organs. No bones. No major blood vessels leading directly to the brain. You know, your usual non-lethal ass area. And with the right conditioning, an area which can handle quite a lot of impact, up to and including skin abrasions, repeatedly, and with no ill effect (when cared for properly). Most other areas of the body hold no such distinction, so I prefer to keep the extra-posterior impact to a minimum.
( ** Disclaimer : This doesn’t mean that I won’t slap your face if you get mouthy…I just won’t do it really, really hard.)
4. Humiliation
We touched on this in #1, but it definitely deserves it’s own numeral. I do NOT ‘do’ humiliation. Embarrassment, yes; shaming, definitely. But not humiliation.
(I am using my own personal definition of humiliation here, which may or may not jibe with your own.) To me, the difference between humiliation and embarrassment lies in the intent – am I providing you with positive or negative feedback? Example : You’ve eaten all the candy after I’ve told you it’s for everyone. Humiliation would, to my mind, sound like this : “You sick pig! I can’t even look at you – you nauseate me. You’ll sleep on the floor like a dog tonight.” (Told you I suck at it.) On the other hand, embarrassment feels more like : “You ate all that candy? After I told you not to? What am I going to do with you? Don’t come crying to me when you get a stomachache.”
Make sense?
I cannot say nasty things to you. I cannot try to hurt your feelings, make you feel bad about yourself. Can’t even fake it. Say what you want, but there’s enough negativity in each of our minds already without having someone plant bad crap there while your brain’s all wide open. I’d rather be a ‘cheerleader’, thankyouverymuch.
5. It’s really, really, REALLY not okay to touch my ass. Ever.
Ever.
– Dana
Dana, Great post…but I think you are into” S&M”, just not “BDSM” : just pain/pleasure play by spanking, but no Knot-work,latex. CBT or medical fetish.
Stevo,
Sheesh…I knew somebody was going to call me on the terminology.
I don’t even want to think about genitalia being punished. I like your site because I like spanking and not domination. The spanker wearing a dress, skirt, yoga pants, lingerie, or partially dressed but not nude is my preference. Having my bottom spanked, paddled, or strapped is all I want.
I like being taken to my limits and having them pushed. A good spanker knows how to do it. A slap in the face like you described is acceptable
James
some of the “mistresses” have limits also . . . I think you are wise to not do things that have a reasonable risk of harm or even permanent harm.
About the hands . . . studies have found that those who are raised with slaps on the wrist as a minor punishment have a higher risk of carpal tunnel syndrome/damage. . .
About humiliation . . . that means different things to diff people. However, there are some mistresses whose websites and even their first page or two begins with insults and demeaning “you.” I just delete and move on . . . and I agree about creating more negativity being poor . . . There is a gal i wish to see at some point who is a Female Supremacist (she says) and it is because of her wide variety of favorable reviews, and her personal email communication is not at all demeaning.
I don’t see the necessary connection you are making between the “clothing” and bdsm. I’ve seen six mistresses over my 7 canings . . . cause two of the canings were at a daytime party with several ladies.
Normal clothing for them has been:
1) topless in panties;
2) in bra and panties;
3) in a “robe” that reaches the butt and no lower;
4) in what amounts to a super short dress. . .
but I am sure that some go nude at various points and with some people . . .
I suppose I’d have to make a special request to see leather or latex . . .
Some of them even have photo galleries which are devoid of leather and latex . . .
However, what some of them do and which doesn’t seem to be one of your areas is in bending a person to their will . . . and that is intriguing for them and some people.
James,
Thank you. I know that everyone’s taste is different, and thoroughly believe in the concept of ‘to each his own’.
Zaitzeff,
You’re right…I’ve also no interest in bending someone to my will. Too much responsibility.
I appreciate that tops also have hard limits. As for me, I am strictly into spanking and humiliation and embarrassment are a big no-no. I don’t mind my top pushing my limits a bit and I will definitely let her know if she gets into a hard limit I didn’t think about! One being rapid fire! Another hard limit is scolding!
To me, it is about mutual trust between top and bottom. There must be trust on both sides of the schtick and each must respect the others limits.
BDSM? No! S&M? No! I see them as the same thing, btw. After all, isn’t S&M part of BDSM? Let’s not be too picky about definitions. :-)
BobbieJo,
I like your comments because you remind us that not everyone is into spanking for the same reasons. Your interest is purely therapeutic/cathartic, with no need for lessons taught or learned. Spanking for the sake of spanking – the perfect reason!
It’s easier for me to reveal what IS acceptable.
1.Spanking with any implement on my ass and a few inches below to the backs of my thighs.
2.Scolding
3.Possible corner time-though once I was fully dressed and during a rebellious school girl scene, I mooned my top and flipped her off. Maybe THAT’S why post spanking my ass was swollen and it took about 1/2 hr to be able to pull my jeans back over it.
4. Grabbing ahold of my arm or wrist to pull me into a spanking position
Ms. Kane,
I enjoyed your post, and I respect your position on hard limits for yourself and for bottoms as well. It is important for tops and bottoms to express their limits because it helps facilitate trust.
I don’t care for domination or humiliation because they do not help me. I like being scolded during a spanking because it brings the lesson home for me. I do so love misbehaving (thought you should know), so spankings are fine. After all, I would have earned it. I can get mouthy too, so I can handle a slap in the face like you described, Ms. Kane. Sure there will be some pain and discomfort, but it is just temporary.
Anna,
Yes, the discomfort is temporary – but we hope that the need to get mouthy dissipates.
Dana,
I don’t know if it’s a need, but yes, ma’am, point taken. Thank you.
The PSA means a fellow or two has tried to touch your ass?
They get extra caning or you just send them away or ?
Though a top is in control, and to protect the bottom they are obligated to respect the bottom’s Hard limits, the top’s limits are also a very important part of the scene for me. First, I’m not interested in a scene that isn’t good or fulfilling for the top, even if the top is doing it professionally. It’s still personal, or not something I’m interested in. I don’t want the top to have to go where they don’t want to go. Second, the top’s limits tell me what kind of top they are. Along with sharing a common idea of what a spanking is supposed to be, I need to have certain good feelings for a top. Your limits tell me that you would be just right for me.