I have such great conversations with my fellow spankos and playmates; sometimes we are discussing our differences, but most often it is our commonalities which receive the most attention. It seems as though certain themes (the ‘spanko commons’, I guess you could call them) come up time and time again..
I’d like to take the opportunity to discuss some of these common themes here, and sort of continue the dialogues which I have enjoyed so much with like-minded friends. While I’ll never divulge personal information, obviously, many of you will still certainly recognize these conversations as similar to those you’ve had yourselves.
It seems like a lot to digest all at once, and these talks, themes, and ideas come up so randomly sometimes, that I think it will be fun to write about them a little at a time. Of course, since the title is ‘Conversations with Spankos’, I will encourage readers to share their opinions, experiences, and thoughts – the idea (as is nearly always the case with this blog) is to better know and understand myself and my fellow spanking enthusiasts.
Chapter One: Isolation
Today, one of my new playmates asked me to thank Erica Scott for writing her book, ‘Late Bloomer’. He said that he read it “cover to cover” and felt as though there were many times that she could just as easily have been telling his story, too.
This is such a common thread for us, isn’t it? How many of us spent years wondering why and where and when the spanking urges came..and what the hell to do about them? Before the age of the internet, there was simply too much distance between closed doors. People don’t tell their neighbors about their fetish, and they certainly don’t tell their families or closest friends. So, until the near-anonymity of the internet made us able to reach halfway across the world and touch someone in cyberspace, there really was very little alternative for most of us. Isolation was part and parcel for most.
(I should say here that a great deal of credit for bringing spankos out of the dark before the true internet age must be given to the good people behind Shadow Lane. I cannot tell you how many of my correspondents have named Tony, Eve, and Shadow Lane’s newsletter -delivered by the good, old U.S. Postal Service!- as their saving grace, proof that they were neither aberrant nor alone.)
Many fetishists spend large parts of their adult lives unpartnered – simply because they are unable to find and fall mutually in love with someone who shares or empathizes with their interests. Many others enter into long-term, otherwise loving relationships with partners who neither share nor empathize – and must learn to somehow hide or avoid their urges (as one friend recently said “…because it doesn’t ever go away.”). And then there are the lucky few who have either a fellow spanko as their life partner, or someone who loves and understands them enough to make allowances.
We do not fit neatly into most common relationship structures, especially in love. As difficult as love is for ‘vanilla’ folk…what does that mean for us? Is isolation as common among spankos as it seems?
– Dana
DanaKaneSpanks@gmail.com
All that you say, Dana, is very true. In my experience being in a vanilla relationship doesn’t work, because you have to hide an essential part of yourself – and that makes it a partial, somewhat dishonest, relationship. For me, being single but true to myself is better. Thank goodness we live in the internet age & can have likeminded contacts – and Dana’s blog is a big contribution to this. So thank you Dana & everyone who reads this blog.
UKL
Like many my spanking desires developed while I was young. As I grew older I become more ashamed of my “perverted” feeling. I learned to keep my feelings hidden and I made every effort to ensure that no one would ever know about the feelings I was always fighting. I was hoping that once I was married the feelings and desires would go away, but they did not. Finally after about 10 years of marriage I found myself so conflicted that I start seriously contemplating suicide. I ended up in the hospital where I started to slowly began to explore my desires with a counselor. I finally told my wife about my desires and to my complete surprise instead of condemning me she accepted me and my desires. It took us a few years to work out a FLDD relationship, we had many ups and downs but we kept trying until we found a FLDD relationship that works for us. It took me 14 years before I told my wife. We often sit around and discuss why I never told her sooner, we wonder what our relationship would be like now if we had started on our DD relationship 14 years earlier. We certainly are working hard to make up for the Lost years (with some help from Dana) sometimes it fun and other times its painful (but in a good way.)
Thank you for the great blog where we do not have to hide who we are but embrace our true selves.
The VBB
I think the lack of isolation today with the advent of the internet is an enormous improvement over 15 yrs ago, but it’s still there. Take me… I consumed spanking stories and subscribed to spanking sites for more than a decade before taking the 1st steps toward meeting someone for real. And most of the people I’ve met are older than me but just started meeting people for real in the last few years.
I think a tiny fraction of spankos register on those sites and a good portion of those who do never follow up with it. Just throwing out a wild guess I’d say that before the internet 1% were in some way connected, now it’s more like 10%, which is 10 x more, but that 90% are in hiding with those desires repressed.
Credit Shadowlane too, but for me it was Penthouse Variations that included just a few stories involving spanking, and it was sneaking a look at my dad’s copy that led to my “Aha! other people are turned on by this too.”
I’m curious about the long term trends- the internet and maturation of the sites that lead to actual spankings- whether matchmaker type or
fetlife, or even a good way for people to connect to professional doms and subs (currently don’t know of a good place for this-and this would make a great conversation)- I think these will lead to more connectivity in the future.
On the other hand, and maybe this is controversial, but I think there’s a connection between being spanked as a child and becoming a spanko as an adult. And americans are not
spanking their children nearly as much now as in generations past.
I think other nations have a strong tradition of corporal punishment, and that the spanking world will become more international in the decades to come.
Anyway- again just my thoughts. Thanks for a great topic.
Sure, it’s definitely isolating. We’re about the same age and it was easy to grow up thinking that this fetish made you a freak. I’ve always been slow to pursue a relationship and have consequently spent the vast majority of my adult life single. One of the major, but certainly not the only, reasons for this is the belief that I would be highly unlikely to find someone who shared this fetish. No one wants their sexuality to be an imposition on someone else. If you don’t share it, someone else’s fetish especially when the kink is a central part of their sexuality, is downright boring.
But that all said, this is one of the more common fetishes. It’s not like we have onanistic fits daydreaming of making sweet and tender love to the Phillie Phanatic. Think about how that guy must feel. You’ve got to be a hell of an optimist to keep putting yourself out there when that’s what you’re about. By anyone’s standards, I’m pretty reclusive and even I’ve had at least two women express interest who would very likely have been down for some F/M spanking and perhaps a full on female led domestic discipline relationship. Of course, I’m pretty slow on the uptake, not to mention more interested in M/F at the time, so nothing happened. But the point of it all, is yeah it’s a handicap especially for the men looking for a dominant woman but it could be a lot worse. Let’s count our blessings, and among them the internet has to figure pretty prominently. In addition to helping us both name our own desires and take action on them, it’s also done a lot to normalize what would have previously been considered deviant sexual preferences. Maybe that hasn’t always been for the best, but it’s certainly benefited those of us with some of the more garden variety kinks.
Hi
I guess that I fall into the lucky category where my wife has taken on board my spanking desires.Whilst it would have been terrific if she had turned out to be a full blown spanko as well, that would have probably been too much for Fate to provide.
I guess that those who do not have a willing partner in real life are better off visiting someone, but it is difficult to return home with a well whipped bottom and say nothing about it.
Look forward to more conversations.
Michael M
Dana,
First let me say thank you for providing this blog.
This subject is the story of my life. I have shared my desires with 3 women (I was in a committed relationship with all 3). Two of them used it to degrade and insult me at times when is was too their advantage. One was understanding but not interested.
Now at age 50 my attitude is this will not be shared again. My isolation is my life.
Sorry if this is negative, had to say it.
John