Posted on by Dana Kane

Conversations with Spankos (Ch.9): Who Knows?



Readers,


After having read her post describing Alex Reynold’s recent accidental familial outing, I am curious about the ‘out’ status of other spankos. 


My (admittedly, few) family know about my lifestyle and profession – my somewhat infamous auntie is tickled by the whole idea and asks pointed and sometimes slightly uncomfortable questions. In truth, nobody seemed particularly surprised.


My friends know, too, naturally; many of them are ‘lifestylers’ of some description or other, so our conversations are easy and free and would likely be disturbing if overheard on the train. Those who are by our terms vanilla usually do their best to seem laid-back and cool about the whole thing but aren’t very interested in the details.


But in public, social situations, I’m inclined to tell a stranger that I am a ‘consultant’, rather than try and explain what a fetishist is and possibly offend someone’s sensibilities (or blow their mind) in the process. This is done out of kindness to the kink-ignorant, in my opinion, and is not an indicator of my not being okay with who/what I am.


(As an aside, why are we all so interested in what others ‘do for a living’? It is often one of the first questions people ask new acquaintances. The answer is supposed to indicate our financial status, and is almost always boring. I think that this possibly borders on bad manners.)


A talk today with one of my friends yielded more ‘who knows’ questions, as she’s seeing someone new. Someone New isn’t sure whether he’s okay with her lifestyle/profession, and she isn’t sure that she’s okay with his uncertainty. He knew since their first meeting, when she proudly outed herself.


So, for all of you: Who knows about your fetish (or lifestyle)? And how does if affect your relationships? 


Are you ‘out’ to a group of like-minded friends, but your family and coworkers are oblivious?
Have you outed yourself, or had it done for you – and what were the implications?


And how does having to keep back a part of oneself affect our personalities?


– Dana

PS. Thanks to Alex for sharing her process, and for being a generally great woman.

Visit my premium video, DVD, and products website at DanaKaneSpanks.com.

13 Replies to “Conversations with Spankos (Ch.9): Who Knows?”

  1. Apart from my Mistress, obviously, and a few of her friends no one knows about my love of spanking. I don’t particularly hide it but I keep that side of me separate from my family, friends and work colleagues. I prefer it that way and I find the hidden nature of my trips to my Mistress actually enhances the excitement.

  3. I have been into spanking for some 30 years have been on both side of it and have been trained in both sides
    I mostly keep this side of my life to my self an yes it makes it very hard on a partner when they feel your holding something back
    I dont go around asking every lady I meet hey are you into spanking in the rare times I meet someone into the lifestyle it makes all the difference in the world much happier to all of you that are hideing it I feel your pain Dana and the other pro’s here on the internet understand most every one else think your strange Oh well I love my lifestyle and my life the way it is Ill deal with the rest
    Will

  5. I keep it very much to myself. My girlfriend knows I like to be spanked, and does but I can tell she does it for me. I don’t think she is fussed either way so I don’t like to express my true feelings in case it makes her think she has to try harder or something like that. Probably a stupid way of looking at it but thats just how it is. I suppose I am quite private anyway and don’t like people knowing my business so I enjoy coming on here under my alias and being somewhat more of an exhibitionist without feeling shy or awkward. A bit strange that I can feel most at ease with myself by being someone else.

  6. Other than a close friend of my wife’s who, unexpectedly, came in while I was standing red-bottomed and panties at my knees in the corner, I am not aware of anyone who knows of our relationship. I prefer it that way and so does my wife. It’s our life, not their’s. We’ve toyed with other spankers “on the road,” as it were, but have yet to do so. She spanks me, I wear panties, it’s OUR little secret. And so it shall remain…..I hope!

  7. I have outed myself to a few friends, but my family doesn’t know. A couple of my friends are ok with it and one tends to be sarcastic so I tend to keep quiet now. Her main issue is the cost involved when I see my top because it not only costs to see her, I also have to stay over night a couple of nights because of the distance.

    I wish I didn’t have to keep it to myself.

  8. I have two kinds of friends . . . Christian friends who mostly care and pray about me, despite what seems to them to be my at times bad or unChristian behavior or beliefs, and then, there are a few others such as mom or dad and a few more who don’t think in such prayerful ways . . .

    The Christian friends would be concerned and generally know about my beliefs re sex, reincarnation, Bible errors and whether or not hell is eternal and they generally take all these things with a very cheerful trust that things will get sorted out and they are not too much of a problem. They tend to know everything about my life, if they ask or wish to know . . . My parents can be idiots at times; at times they wish to control me and so I avoid telling them a lot of things.

    When I first began to explore being spanked–for spiritual reasons in fact–I let my email prayer group know, directly or indirectly. I’ve now had a few conversations on the subject with several of my pastor friends, and it is not a problem with me and them. Maybe it is even less of a problem than my views about reincarnation, hell, Bible errors and sex.

    But there were 2 exceptions. In one fellow’s case, my choosing to be spanked was part of the final straw and he doesn’t wish me around. In one gal’s case whom I have known for 16 years, she became passionately and negatively excited. In her previous 16 years, she had at times been prone to accusing behavior and at times false accusations. Now, she began to accuse me of a variety of misconduct, half of it slanderous and false, over the last 16 years . . . without knowing any of them, she began to accuse people who spank professionally of misconduct and of being in league with Satan. She then further added to my batch of misconduct her impression that I had bad motives and was being deceptive or false in my explanation of my thinking . . . and she added it was wrong or poor of me to make decisions on this without getting her advice and lastly, she said that I had not carefully checked what the Bible said about such things and I should, according to her, do so. She also insuinated that I was trying to manipulate God!

    Actually, all these accusation and her “advice” was given over the space of 2 conversations and a few emails. I pointed out some things of which she was not aware, and said that in my experience, her knowledge of the Bible was pretty poor . . . and there were clear instances of self-caused pain and then, we agreed to stop talking for 2 or 3 months for the sake of peace.

    We may reevaluate things in July . . . I think my friend can be an idiot who believes in controlling other people . . . She maybe thinks she is just protecting me! Apparently her protecting me justifies false accusations and false insinuations . . .

  9. Everyone,

    I guess that this is my point, that there are as many situations as there are people. Each of us lives a totally diverse experience. Thank goodness we have each other.

    Dana

  10. I’ve come to realize over the years that the spanking fetish is a part of me that I can’t separate out. I doubt I could go a day without thinking multiple times about spanking. I’m at peace with that realization, though, and with my self :) And hey, for the most part it seems a fairly harmless obsession. I’ve got other interests in life that balance the spanking needs. I’ve also been lucky to be surrounded with the best supportive friends and family one could ask for.

    The Women Who Puts Up With Me (and loves me :) knows I have the interest. She doesn’t understand the deep attraction to spanking, but is willing to occasionally provide a hand. I have several close friends who I’ve explicity told about my spanking interest and they’re just not shocked in much of any way. It’s a little disappointing, in fact, that I can tell them my deepest secret and not get more of a shocked response, just a good friend’s support…lol

    I’ve started talking frankly about the spanking kink with new and old acquaintances who bring it up in even a joking fashion. I think they’re testing the reaction with humor and realize that I’m not judgemental. Sometimes the topic sort of dies for awhile, then is brought back up again and that sort of progression works fine for me too. People have their own pace in bringing up touchy topics…

    I am interested in reaching out to others with the spanking fetish, though. Curious what makes others tick and how my experiences match with theirs.

    Liked your post and the thinking it prompted for me.

    Anthony

  11. Hello Dana,
    My wife’s two sisters and sister-in-law know that she spanks me. One day we were all watching TV together and the subject of adult spanking came up on a program, my wife just spoke up and outed me right then and there. “I spank JayJay and he loves it. If he acts like a petulant little boy he gets treated like a petulant little boy”, she said. I was very surprised embarrassed but they were very matter of fact about it and there was no teasing or any disapproval at all. I think they were secretly delighted to hear it!
    A few months later I got a strap spanking while one of them was staying with us. I’m sure that ended any doubts they may have had. As I lay on the bed trying to compose myself after the licking my wife called her into the room to discuss dinner plans. She gazed on my behind and said something like OH MY!! that’s a sore and red behind for sure. I think she was delighted to have been there.
    No one else knows about our spanking adventures as far as I know, except for our immediate neighbors who I know overheard me getting the hairbrush on several occasions because the windows were left open and, lets face it, a hair brush is not a quiet spanking implement.
    JayJay

  13. Hi Dana!
    I know this is an older post, but I came across it and had to comment. I have been a spanko for as long as I can remember, and no one knows. It is so hard to have this whole part of you that you are never able to talk about in “real” life. Thank goodness for chat rooms and blogs like this one! As someone who has been writing spanking stories and fantasizing about spanking since I was a little girl, I would love nothing more than to be able to tell a few friends and maybe actually experience it as an adult. I’m in college; this is the time to branch out and explore, right? Not having been spanked since I was little, I feel like it is time I just dive on in and find someone to spank me, but that fear of the unknown is always there, the fear that I’ll get hurt by someone or that reality doesn’t compare to the fantasies I have conjured up all of these years. Sorry for the rambling. This is the first time I’ve ever actually commented on a spanking blog. Baby steps, right? Anyway, thanks for reading and just know that I think what you do here is awesome.
    Annie :)

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