Readers,
The subject of Boundaries came up in recent visits with one of my wonderful NYC playmates. He’s quite ticklish, you see, and I have an extremely difficult time – every time – in not tickling him mercilessly.
I do believe that tickling is one of the purest forms of torture, given that the receiver is never really in any pain whatsoever, yet at the same time would likely sign over his or her firstborn if you’d only stop with the tickling.
This does not stop me from coming ever-so-close to crossing that boundary with my playmate.
Nor does the fact that I, too, am extremely, painfully ticklish.
I readily admit that, on the occasion of our most recent meeting, my poor and tickle-shocked playmate looked me directly in the eye and implored that I please, for the love of all things good and gentle, not tickle him this time. Please.
I finally managed to control my sadistic impulse, and we passed a lovely time of spanking, scolding, and stimulating conversation.
However, I cannot promise that it won’t happen again. Why? It’s not that I don’t respect my playmate’s boundaries – I honestly and genuinely do – but it’s just so damn hard to not slide my fingernails down his hips between spankings. There, I’ve said it. It’s completely selfish. I am hoping for strength on this subject.
Tickling is a boundary, and if I tickle this particular playmate then I’ve crossed his boundary.
Obviously, while tickling may not seem to you an unpardonable crime, boundaries come in all forms; many people have intensity and implement limits, lots of us have opinions on things like restraint, humiliation, and role-plays.
My question for you other spankos is this: How cognizant are you of your playmates’ boundaries? And how often are we compelled to cross them?
What, in your opinion, constitutes Unacceptable Boundary Behavior?
– Dana
Conversations with Spankos (Ch. 13) Tickle Torture
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When I first visited my Mistress over 10 years ago I had very rigid boundaries and would found it unpleasant if they were exceeded. Gradually as we grew to trust each other more she pushed the limits of what I thought I would enjoy. She always stopped if it became clear that I was distressed but thanks to her doing this I have had experiences that I would never have imagined before I met her. I have enjoyed some more than others and some I didn’t enjoy at all and they are not repeated. Obviously boundaries should be respected but if you and your partner trust and understand each other an occasional foray into something new or something previously feared can be very rewarding.
This is an interesting topic for discussion. While I have been lucky enough to never have to deal with inappropriate boundary behavior with a partner, I suppose that what I might categorize a problem behavior would be a Top doing something we had discussed prior to play and agreed was off limits, or one not respecting a sincere wish for a certain activity to stop. On the other hand, I have played with Tops in the past who enjoyed testing boundaries once in a while, and I believe that can be done in an appropriate manner as long as both parties discuss allowing for the possibility.
about boundaries . . . and tickling . . .
Supposedly there are people who have “soft limits” and who have “hard limits,” but I am too new to have made much of that kind of distinction, other than requesting that my canings not be as severe as a Singapore judicial caning!
In my 2nd severe spanking, there were 3 gals at a party. Although I had given them a page of my intent and my intent was that they be tough and they could restrain me, once the spanking began, part-way thru, the spanking devolved into spanking/break/spanking/break/spanking/break too easily, perhaps.
Of course, it was a contrast to my first severe spanking . . . I did learn it was quite an interesting emotional experience to be pushed to where I was asking for a break, rather than knowing I probably could not ask for one, successfully. It is a different emotional experience than pure spanking without breaks . . .
I suppose a possible approach is to be more “boundary-observant” in the first 1st spanking visit and then less so, over time. After the 1st visit with a provider (and certainly after the 2nd), I’d be hoping (and somewhat expecting) that she push me, challenge me, and perhaps actually violate some boundaries or at least teasingly suggest it, to see my reaction. And, when I react, a gentle no probably would mean ok . . . and a passionate, “No!” or “That would be a very bad idea!” would be no. If my reaction was ambiguous or a gentle no, I’d hope that the provider try.
If I were a provider, and I had a conversation with a recipient before the spanking began, I would probably mention a few ideas, and ask “Could we consider that or do you absolutely hate the idea of ??” I would then consider as hard limits things the recipient says he would hate the idea of . . . If I were a receiver, I would probably like a different experience on some different spankings . . . and so we might explore a “soft limit” area or thing on one visit, and perhaps not others . . . or evaluate it afterwards and include it or not in other visits.
I would note that a few months ago, I worked doing some telephone fund-raising for the Dems and other progressive causes, prior to the election. I think that 5-10% of those who gave were ones who began the conversation with “I have no money to give at this time,” and I said, “That is fine; is it ok to chat for about 3 minutes about what we are doing?” and after 2 min, they decided to give and what is more, thanked me!
I’ve had had the same experience in person, several times, with persons I wished to invite to hug in greeting . . . Some say yes at very first . . . some are a “no” at very first, though I don’t ask the question directly . . . one in ten or fifteen of those who are “no” at first become “yes” after a brief, gentle discussion and deciding that I am safe and my intention is reasonable and it would be a good experience. (Even so, I don’t argue or push those who are firmly against the idea!)
About the tickling with this playmate, one possibility is to consider a compromise that works for both . . . the other possibility to spank him till he is requesting a break and offer tickling as an alternative fun . . .
For me as a recipient, I would like my boundaries mostly honored, but then often challenged and explored. Perhaps you would find bad behavior or other reasons to explore them . . . though for me and some others, simply for memory’s sake and to have an experience, tis ok to suggest and maybe actually violate a boundary, with someone I trust. Also, my idea of my preferred boundaries become less actual boundaries or move to become more liberal, on different visits with a provider.
boundaries come in a different forms. There are Hard and soft ones. I have found through having my own pushed on several occasions One of them happen to be on this very subject.
When I was a child, My sadistic sister would sit on my chest and her knees would pin down my arms and she would start to tickle me and would not stop until I was unable to breathe. so in my world it was bad and I hid how ticklish I was.
After I met someone I happen to be tied down and she accidentally brushed the bottom of my foot and my leg jerked and she figured out that I was extremely ticklish and it nearly sent me into a panic attack.
We talked after the scene and I explained about my experience and she also resisted the urge to tickle me. I noticed more and more that accidents were starting to happen. we started to joke about it. finally it became acceptable to include tickling in our scenes. It just became a matter of trust.
Now that I am not afraid of it I do enjoy being tickled It brings out the child. That happen to be a soft limit.
I do have hard boundaries That are taboo in my mind and are never to be broken because those would instantly make me end whatever I was doing at the time and I would leave.
I think it becomes a matter of talking and trust to find out if a boundary is either a hard one or a soft one. Soft ones can be pushed and hard ones are like a murder scene with tape everywhere that says do not enter.
some female ticklers are sadistic and derive great pleasure from taking advantage of and tormenting the individual, particularly when restrained. All the person can do is helplessly laugh….
i have only tickled women on their bare feet and not been subject to it. I don’t know if it would be a turn on although talking about it is exciting with dominant women.
Isn’t ‘torment’ a pretty word, barry?.. Thanks for commenting.
Commenters,
I fully agree that there are shades of boundaries. Thoughtful discussion of everyone’s preferences both before and after play is the best way to make sure that you understand your partner’s definition(s) of Boundary.
– Dana