It seems natural that our spanking proclivities would run along similar lines as our sexualities…or does it?
Even for those of us in the spanking community who do not find our spanking play directly motivated by sexual desires, most of us seem to play along gender preference lines. In other words, if you are a heterosexual male, whether top or bottom, your play will likely be with females. There is an inherent discomfort for some, playing with same-sex spanking partners, which arises, I think, due to the very intimate nature of this thing we do.
I am not commenting here on sexuality, sexual identity, or any -philia or -phobia. Rather, I am interested in how many of us play outside our ‘gender comfort zone’.
– After a talk with one of my playmates (who is male, heterosexual, strictly bottom), I have been wondering how often we step outside those comfort zones, and what that means to our overall lifetime spanking experience. –
During a conversation about the lack of female spankers in his relatively small town, he mentioned that he had once, in desperation, been spanked by another man. “I’m straight, but sometimes you just need a spanking, you know?”, or something to that effect, was his comment. Unfortunately, the conversation quickly moved on to another talking point and I was never able to ask the question which popped into my mind:
‘How was it?’
The question is simple enough, but the answer could’ve been profound.
The more I think about it, the more questions arise:
What did this experience mean to my playmate? Was it just as rewarding as a spanking from an authoritative female? Will he ever do it again? What were the nuanced differences of playing with a same-sex spanker for the first time?
My lovely friend Cali recently received her first real F/F spanking (from me, I am proud to say). She and her husband are monogamous spankos practicing LDD (read more about them on their blog), so I was particularly honored to be allowed access to her very spankable bottom. She seemed very comfortable, and can certainly take a spanking, but there’s no denying the significance of the event.
Now I am curious (aren’t I always?)…what is your Spanking Gender Comfort Zone? And does it naturally align to your sexual/gender preferences? Have you ever stepped out of that zone for experimentation, desperation, or gratification? Or are you ready and willing to give/receive a spanking regardless of gender?
– Dana
At first, I thought I only wanted to be spanked by a man, but now that I have been spanked by a woman, I think I like that better. Of course, who the person is has a lot to do with it. There are some guys out there I would be willing to play with, though I still think I would prefer my current top.
It really has more to do with who the person is rather than gender.
I’ve noticed that my tendencies are that I prefer to be spanked by males, but get toppy with women… but obviously these aren’t strict and fast rules. :)
Hi Dana,
Tim Shelley
I am a heterosexual male and a bottom. I simply could never imagine being spanked by a man.This is definitely not an experience I’d ever want. Turns me right off. Certainly in my case then, my spanking preferences are closely aligned to my sexual ones.
I wonder how many homosexual guys would like to be spanked by a female? Do you know of any and are these guys, in fact, maybe actually a little bi? (Not making any judgements here. Just curious). I get the impression that heterosexual women are a little bit more flexible- are more likely to spank each other, but maybe that’s also because they are a little bi?
I’ve always got the impression that there are more women out there into spanking other women, than spanking men. I wonder why that is. ( I wish things were different).
Good topic.
my self I have never been spanked by a man it has always been a women but when I lived in Las Vegas my lady freind spanked me in front of couples and single men I found it very hard to not onle be spanked in front of men but to be naked was even harder I had to turn my head so I could not see the men I cant amagin a time when I would let a man spank me no no same gender spanking here
One of my friends once described me, teasingly, as the “most relentlessly heterosexual woman” she knows. I love women; I love my female friends dearly. But I have never had a desire to be physical with them in any way.
And that carries over into spanking, for me. Even though my spankings don’t involve sex, I still have to be attracted somewhat to my spanker, feel a certain pull, a chemistry. And that only happens with men.
Because spanking is so much more to me than just the physical, I don’t see myself ever reaching a point where I’d look to a woman for it if a man weren’t available. It just wouldn’t compute in my kinky little brain and I’d feel creepy about it.
As a man I only like to be spanked by females. Further, they must be cute, have nice legs and not be overweight or too old.
At school I had been caned many times by male teachers and it just hurt. I always fantasized of being caned by female teachers but it never happened.
An interesting topic but for me an easy one to answer. My interest in being spanked by a male is ZERO. No amount of desire for a spanking would take me to another male. In fact I don’t even like observing M-F or M-M spankings, but have no problem with being spanked with other males watching, which has happened on a few occasions. However, one time at a club when I was being caned, unbeknown to me until afterwards the ‘Mistress’concerned had allowed a TV to join in also, and that didn’t bother me. I guess it’s all about mindset – but then that’s a huge part of spanking play.
UKL
There does appear to be a double standard applied when it comes to members of the same sex spanking each other. F/F spankings are not automatically assumed to be lesbian but most people seem to regard m/m spankings as homosexual. I am a heterosexual man who had never considered being punished by a man. I had been punished by my Mistress in front of other men and witnessed her punishing them but that was as far as it went. Recently however my Mistress decided that she would like to see me punished by a man. So during one of our punishment sessions she brought in a man who was going to punish me, I must admit I was very dubious about it but went along with it to please her. So it was I found myself bare bottomed over another man’s lap being spanked and later receiving a caning from him. I was very nervous during the whole experience and initially worried that I might find it arousing which I would have been embarrassing and confusing. This didn’t happen and I didn’t enjoy the experience. Later I discussed it with my Mistress and we decided not to repeat the experience. I don’t view it as in any way a homosexual thing but as another form of the spanking experience. I certainly wouldn’t have done it had she not been there and I think that is a common view amongst heterosexual men who have been spanked by other men. The fact that the punishment is witnessed by a female partner or Mistress seems to allow us to rationalise it as just another part of the relationship.
Other posters have said it very well. For many, spanking is an entirely sexual experience, with the same limits on attraction, flexibility, and fulfillment as any other mode of sexual experience. For me, as for others who have already answered here, the limits of my spanking world and sexual world are the effectively same. I think Miss Kane’s questions about openness to experimentation are largely answered in that way; but perhaps not entirely! There have been some women to whom I was sexually attracted for whom the thought of spanking never came up. And there have been women who I dearly wanted to spank me, but to whom I had little desire for lovemaking. But overwhelmingly, both feelings obtain about the same woman!
only intrest is in women spanking me with paddle, strap or brush. more than one woman is fine and in front o a group that may include men would b fine. being spanked by a man no intrest! buttwed says women only!
To me, you hit the nail on the head with the intimacy issue. I feel the intimacy and the role play are inseparable. To me, the pleasure derived from the pain is because of the intimacy. Because I am a heterosexual male bottom, the top has to be a female. But I honestly think this is only because I could never feel “intimate” with another male, and therefore never derive the “pleasure from pain”.
Regardless of gender and sexual preference, if one is able to feel intimacy with another I think the pleasure desired from the experience is possible.
I’m a straight male and I have only been spanked by women. But I’m totally willing to try M/M spanking just as long as my top is clear that there is no sex involved. You know what might be fun, age play with you and a man who likes to spank guys. Mommy and daddy take turns spanking their naughty boy. Of course you never know for sure if you will like something until you try it. But, such is life.
I was a switch who enjoyed just female play until about 15 years ago. Unable to find a female spanker who wasn’t a pro I went looking for a “straight” male spanker. What moved me in this direction besides desperation was the fact I had a lesbian friend whom I spanked. I figured, if she’s fine with me spanking her, why should I care if a male spanks me as long as it doesn’t include anything more intimate than the spanking itself? Well, my experience was a positive one and now M/m spanking for me is as good a thing as F/m. It’s just apples and oranges. These days demeanor and certain personality traits are more important to me than the sex of my spanker.
I agree…. when my mistress told me that once a month when i reported to her for a spanking i might be spanked by a male. At first i resisted and in a snit i went without for a few weeks. One day in total frustration i called her and agreed to be spanked by a dom friend of hers.
It was intense and i hated that i ended up being aroused. Not so much that he was male but that i managed to do what she wanted.
I now see this bull / dom ( who only spanks no sex ) mayb twice to three times a year but i never know. It has added a dimension to our connection ( my mistress and i )
tony
Thank you all for commenting, and I’m interested at the many different views on this subject. Thank goodness for differences!
– Dana
As a male top I really don’t care who the spankee is. I would say 95% of the people I’ve spanked have been female but I have spanked a few guys. In most cases the males I spanked were part of a m/f couple here both were bottoms and in a few cases it was a MF/m situation.
I am a straight male. Spankophilia became manifest in me 39 years ago, but I’ve mostly kept it to myself, essentially being too ashamed or embarrassed about it (thinking such a desire was in some way perverted) to try to share it with any others. There were singular times, but that would make this comment much longer than it’s already going to be.
At first, my ‘thing’, as it were, was a desire to be the Top to a female Bottom. But, over the years, usage of the Internet made access to all sorts of, well, porn allowed me to see other aspects of this desire… and I started to dwell on, and come to the conclusion, that what I want is to be spanked… by a woman… which is now the primary focus of my not-small personal porn collection. However, it’s all in my head, still. I have yet to experience this in ‘real life’. And thus and so far, the only times I’ve been able to feel the stinging in my buttocks, and get pictures of them with crimson color, is during and after sessions of self-spanking.
My eyes and ears are open to finding a female spanker that would have me.
But I find it’s something that’s not easy to advertise.
Getting to my point, finally: I have been in spanking-relating chat rooms, and have had offers/have offers from men, willing to spank me.
And, while my preference would be, to be spanked by a woman, I am ready to accept an offer from a man, just to have the real experience.
I very much enjoy the F/M dynamic. It matches up with fantasies and role-playing scenarios I’ve had in my mind for a long time: teacher/student, boss/worker, publisher/tardy author, etc. Those push my buttons :) Even in a 1:1 situation with a woman, though, I’d be looking for a particular type of person (empathy, humor and mutual respect are important words there, for example).
There might be males that I’d enjoy a spanking from, but I think they’d be less common and something I haven’t really fantasized about. Many males would feel a little uneasy about becoming aroused if they were spanked by a male. It wouldn’t bother me from a question-my-sexuality standpoint, but a lot of us hetero males are brought up uptight :)
I haven’t been to a play party, but I imagine it could be fun to be blindfolded and spanked by whoever happened to be there, male or female. And even funner, say, to learn slowly who may have spanked me with what in which way. lol.
Anthony
This is a very interesting topic and once that is very close to my heart for several reasons.
As a youngster and I do mean a youngster, my first spanking fantasies were about men spanking me. When I was 7 and witnessed a friend get the spoon from her mother, my fantasies became equally split between women and men.
As a teen I used to snoop around my dads room. I found his stash of spanking magazines, videos and pleasure chest catalog. At this point my fantasies became 100% about women. Due to my limited resources at a teen, I do often wonder if I may have been “socialized” into the strong dominant woman/ submissive male dynamic because my influences were so heavily from the perspective of a male submissive. I have been told that a lot of my fantasies seem typically heterosexually male.
A bit about myself, I consider myself to be gender fluid. I consider my self to be a boy. I am not a lesbian, if pressed I will identify as a dyke. I look like one dress like one, however I am very comfortable with the things that I enjoy that would be considered “feminine”, mani/pedis, chick flicks and lifetime movies and I am more ok with my male attributes.
I prefer strong dominant women to spank or discipline me. I prefer strong women as my friends. I am ok with men spanking me but like with women it is going to be all about the connection. Just as I won’t let just any dominant woman spank me, I won’t let any dude just spank me either. Ultimately who spanks will come down to my instincts, my level of trust, the connection, who I am naturally submissive to and lastly gender and or sexuality.
The spanking community kinda pisses me off. I am not ok with women being allowed to spank women but men going ape shit when dudes spank each other. I am comfortable in the BDSM world but I am hesitant to get involved with spanking communities because the unspoken homophobia and that most of the relationships seem to be Male Dom/Female sub dynamic. Just because a dude “lets” his wife get spanked by some chick doesn’t really make him all that evolved.
Not sure if this made any sense, but there ya have it: the world according to me. Sorry it is so long :-)
I probably have no business to even comment on this but I found the posts to be really interesting. I am a complete newbie (vanilla) to all of this and I am still trying to process it all but I can tell you that my first experience will be with Ms. Kane. I’m a heterosexual female and my choice of choosing a female spanker over a male one is just simply where my comfort level is at the moment. This may also stem from the fact that I never had a male disciplinarian in my life. I am also choosing Ms. Kane because she seems very professional and doesn’t appear to spank too hard. I’m joking of course. She does take a joke doesn’t she? But all joking aside, at least for a new bottom, trust is the most important thing and after learning more about her, I feel pretty confident I’m choosing the right person.
I’m a straight male and have ZERO interest in being spanked by or playing with any males. I don’t watch male on male bdsm porn as I have zero interest in it. I won’t play as a bottom in front of men (and don’t really play as a top in front of men, either. yep, I’m a switch-one of the second-class citizens of the bdsm world!). I have no problem torturing or being tortured in front of women though and haver zero issues about being nekkid in front of women while playing. I’ve found that quite few women seem to share these gender specific roles. Most kinky women I know, not all, but the great majority, have no problem playing as top or bottom to other women, regardless as to whether they consider themselves bi or lesbian.
I am a male spankee and receive spankings from just a few trusted female spanker.spankers. I have to feel safe and comfortable with the spanker. I love having my bottom massaged during the otk spanking.
Growing up I played many spanking games with boys and girls usually taking turns spanking and being spanked. With boys the spankings were not otk, they were usually bent over or laying down. The spankings with the boys and girls were both fun. These spanking games went into Jr. HS to early HS. Most all of these people have gone on to have normal lives ; marriage and children , etc.
Having these experiences growing up and even though preferring a female spanker, under the right circumstances I would consider an otk spanking by a male. I would even consider giving a spanking to another male as well as a female, though I am much more of a Spankee.
I am very selective of who I will allow to spank me. I have to feel safe and have trust in the person. If I felt safe and trusted male spanker, I would accept an otk spanking from them. If a male (or female )I spanker became infatuated with my “fanny” when I was turned over their knee and gave a massage, I would love it!