Readers,
I’m going to begin this post with a Seinfeld reference, so all those under the age of thirty may take time now to do a google search on it…go ahead, we’ll wait…all caught up? Okay, here we go.
When Jerry, George, and Elaine wanted to express to one another that they were worthy of keeping what may be a very big secret, they’d say ‘I’ll put it in the vault.’ Meaning obvious : the information you’re considering sharing with me is locked away tightly and only I have the key. The great thing about Seinfeld was that things very rarely managed to stay in anybody’s vault for very long and, at the appropriate moment, much hilarity would ensue.
This low-security-secret-keeping is rarely humorous, however, when folks open their vaults in real life – yet it is something which happens all the time, to every one of us at some point(s). We tell someone something which is labeled Secret and they tell someone else, usually keeping the label the same – Secret – which means that the person they just told is supposed to hold him or herself to a higher standard than the vault-opener. But then that person disregards the label also and eventually, rather than hilarity, all hell ensues.
When the information that’s un-vaulted is of a, say, adult nature, the consequences can be catastrophic.
I’ve heard stories about folks in the kink/spanking/bdsm scene who’ve had their vaulted information shared, sometimes with a vengeance and sometimes by mere ignorant chance. The term usually used is ‘outed’, just the same as when someone’s sexual or gender orientation is shared without consent.
Talking to an acquaintance recently reminded me of just how much most folks with a kinky bend are risking every single time they make contact, of any kind, with another person. Every person in her life knew different things about her – some had no idea that there was any kink of any kind whatsoever ever ever and thought she was just as ‘normal’ as them (whatever that is), and some were rightfully curious/suspicious about a few unusual occurrences or comments they’d overheard, while some were in the loop enough to know that she did some ‘wild’ stuff every now and then. What a juggling routine it seemed to me, and how to decide where to position each new person in life – how to decide how much they should know – and when to be oh-so-very careful with someone who is nosier than all hell.
I’m not so much interested in why people have to separate their kink from the rest of their lives – I get it. My question is : How does it FEEL to have to guard your vault, to decide who’s worthy of a peek and who to trust with the key? What can another person do to insure that you can trust them with your secrets? And how likely do you think it is that you’ll be un-vaulted?
– Dana
Ha!
Well, it is no longer in the summer and I have less concern about someone creating some marks on me . . . and I have gotten caned a few times . . . I also believe it is helpful to get massage, cause I know it is good for my health and ability to work and function.
>How does it FEEL to have to guard your vault, to decide who’s worthy of >a peek and who to trust with the key?
People who’ve seen me with marks and a “pre-viewing” explanation include one naturopath, one chiropractor and 3 massage practitioners. I open the discussion of the topic of marks or muscle distress from caning with the attitude that what I am about to say is perfectly normal and everybody should understand . . . or if they don’t understand, they can understand by making a mild effort.
And today, it is a week after I have been caned and I have bought one of those “groupon,” low-cost introductory massage visits for about half price. (Please note that the quality is very unpredictable with these groupon deals.) I see the gal. Before we begin, I say, “I was recently caned and some of the muscles in my butt are more distressed than normal. That is one area we should work on.”
And the gal says, “Is that a therapy?”
and after I explain that it is not; it is being hit with a cane, she asks, “Were you mugged?”
Ha, ha, ha!
Anyone can know, but I don’t volunteer the information to my parents.
However, in the summertime and early fall, one of my ideas for fun is to walk at Greenlake with my free hugs sign in skimpy underwear. Rather than disturb persons of a certain age or their parents by the presence of marks, I will skip the caning or the Greenlake walking in the same weeks.
But nearly everybody can know . . . tis normal from my point of view, given my view of things . . . At church on Sunday, a friend asked what was new, and I told him I had been caned that week . . . I post on a few religion discussion forums and people who read my posts know, and we have shared some laughs.
I keep my life very compartmentalized. I wish it did not have to be so and I would love to be in a situation where I did not have to do that.
I have my vanilla friends who know nothing about my kink neither does my family.
The likely hood that I will be outed is very slim because of me keeping everyone in there own separate box. The only people I give the keys to my vault are people who are into the kink or spank o lifestyle and they know nothing about my family.
Having to guard my vault seems both sad and necessary. I wanted to add “these days” but I suspect it’s always been that way, although in our digital age it seems that outing someone can be much easier, quicker and widespread.
More recently I’ve thought about vault guarding also in terms of naturism. What could be more natural than to dispense with clothing at a designated beach or outdoor area, say, and feel the sun upon your naked body? But with the proliferation of digital devices, nothing prevents a creep from taking and distributing photos. Someone can take an act of innocence and cast it in strange and unhealthy ways, if only in their own mind.
I feel the same way about kink. A spanking can take place between two trusting and caring people. It can be for fun, therapeutic, loving, etc. and someone will always be able to twist that in a bad way for their own reasons.
What I’ve found, though, over some years, is that it’s hugely liberating to be able to share your kink with good and caring people. You have to determine who those people are, and there’s always a chance you’ll get it wrong. But it makes you feel vulnerable, much as you would being spanked by a caring and trusted person, and I think it more strongly connects two people. Perhaps that ability to let down your guard and trust a select group outweighs the dangers of being outed by a malicious person?
I have a friend who once led the “dual” life – typical family on one side, pillar of the fetish community on the other. Eventually that friend outed their own fetish side in an interview about their fetish life with the local newspaper.
To my knowledge, nobody treated them any differently afterwards, even some fairly conservative people who I thought might have been weirded out by it.
It can be done – but you have to be pretty brave, and everyone’s circumstances are different.
Thanks to everyone who’s participated in this Conversation. We’ve obviously hit on the most important aspect – trust.
Trust in itself is as tricky as the weather, and can come and go as easily as the wind.
Place your trust, and your vault keys, in the hands of those who’ve earned it – and be someone who can be trusted in the vault’s of others.