Everyone,
I can’t say with certainty how many times I’ve heard the title phrase, but it’s enough to have prompted me to write this post. I’m hoping that, as always, you’ll recognize something in this which makes you think, laugh, learn, or – bonus! – all three at once.
We’ve talked abut bad scenes before, but I’d like to re-explore this in a different way: by giving you the floor.
When I gave a recent new playmate permission to talk about some of the things he’d experienced in past playtimes, there were more than a couple ‘bad scenes’ discussed; honestly, I was surprised that someone who’d had such poor experiences was still willing to experiment. I was also complimented that he’d trusted me enough to try again, and I hope that he had as much fun as I did. I’d hate to be the punchline of a ‘bad scene’ story, after all.
So what is your ‘bad scene’ story? What went wrong, and, more importantly, what (if anything) could you have done to have prevented it? Was it funny or scary or surreal or….?
I think it’ll be interesting for others to see that they’re not the only ones who’ve been working on a spanko learning curve, and that it’s okay to admit that it takes a while to figure it all out.
(**Please have sense enough to not use the actual person’s name when telling your bad scene story – we’re not trying to build a database, just get it out of our systems.**)
Here’s one of mine (there haven’t been many) and it’s a short one:
A few years ago (I’d just begun traveling in earnest), in *insert city here*, I’d made plans to meet and spank a gentleman for the first time. We’d agreed upon a pretty generic get-to-know-you spanking, and he’d not given any indication that he was anything other than perfectly lovely, so when I met a somewhat youngish (30s), well-dressed smiling guy I thought, “This should be fun.”
I was so. very. wrong.
It was not fun. Not for me, and not for him.
Immediately, he was consternated by the lack of mirrors in the room in which we were playing. There were two; they were both quite large; they were mounted to opposite walls, reflecting the whole damn room. This was not enough reflection for this fella, clearly, and so he asked whether I had “more mirrors”.
Under most circumstances, the answer would be a confused “no”, but this time I happened to be in a professional, many-roomed playspace – the room right next door had a pedestal mirror! – so there actually WERE more mirrors. So a confused “yes” later, we had a third mirror…which he spent approximately eleven minutes (I may be exaggerating a bit) positioning *just so*.
Yes, I was beginning to get a little irritated, but figured, hell, to each his own.
So we, finally, started the spanking.
I invited him across my lap to begin the spanking over his pants, then slid them down to his knees and continued over his briefs, using just the palms of my hands. He was flinching quite a bit, so as I wiggled his briefs down I said something along the lines of, “You’re doing just fine…it’ll hurt a little more now, but just take deep breaths.”
After a couple minutes of more flinching on his part, I thought maybe he could use a little break and massaged his buns for a minute before beginning again, saying, “Okay, let’s try this again. Harder now. Relax.”
Before I could land a single swat, he sprang up from my lap, placed his hands on his hips, and said, “This isn’t working. It’s like being spanked by a cheerleader.”
Nonplussed, I invited him to dress and showed him the way out. I did not offer an apology. Honestly, I still can’t see what’s wrong with being spanked by a cheerleader (isn’t there a helluva fantasy in there someplace?!). Now, I get what the guy was trying to convey: he wanted to be Domme-d – treated, handled, and spoken-to roughly; not positively reinforced or shown tenderness or empathy. He wanted his ass whipped by a mean lady who didn’t give a flip about him.
I still offer no apology. That’s not who I am. But I will admit that that ‘insult’ still comes to mind when I think of bad scenes…and not just because I didn’t get what I wanted, but because he didn’t either. Probably would’ve helped had he made his wants and wishes clear, but not everyone’s able to verbalize that, are they?
Anyway, and here’s the great part of this story: When I saw my awesome friend Mona, also a pro-domme, and told her the story, she said, “Ohmygod, The Mirror Guy! I know him! EVERYBODY knows him!!”
We’ve ALL been there.
– Dana
I have been fortunate to not have experienced bad scenes while being spanked, but I have had several bad experiences. The worst was about a year ago when a man who I only saw twice fingered me and sexually abused me after spanking me. That was never on the table and I felt like I had something taken from me. I do still enjoy being spanked, but am very slow to trust a guy to spank me.
More recently, another guy I’ve played with tried to pressure me into doing things I didn’t want to do, such as touching him sexually, watching him relieve himself, or allowing him to spank me naked. I ceased contact with him, and he still continued to harass me for awhile. He thinks I’m crazy and doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I am so sick of guys pulling this crap, and am really only comfortable with being spanked by another woman.
IrishEyes,
There’s a lot of victimization going on in the world, and, as a woman, it’s an even more difficult exploration since we naturally worry more about the safety and sanity of our chosen playmates. Be careful out there, and, my best advice to you and anyone else – TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
Hugs,
Yes, there certainly is a lot of victimization in the world. I have fortunately never been one to feel sorry for myself for long. There are always those who have an inclination to take advantage of or hurt others. If I feel unsafe or uncomfortable with someone, I end things as fast as I can. I do have to learn to speak up faster though. I am learning that my instincts are rarely wrong, I just need to trust them more.
I think the worst scene I have ever had was with a local mistress several years ago.
I was in a hotel room and she showed up. The scene started off with the usual negotation and she sent me down to her car to get her bag. Like a good boy I did what I was told.
she then proceded to pull out several pair of boots and told me to start cleaning them and she would be back in 20 minutes. Well 20 minutes passes and so did 30 as did 40. Having little patience for this person at this point I called her to remind her that I had her boots and they were finished.
When she arrived back at the hotel I opened the door and recieved a slap in the face for disturbing her dinner date. After being stunned she started to pack her bags and headed for the door out. about this time I asked her when we were going to play and she told me that having the privlige of polishing her boots was all that was going to happen.
I was more then not ok with this and quite angry. So I asked for my money back because this is not what we had negotiated at which point she informed me that I was a man and what i wanted didn’t matter. I became so angry that I grabbed her pulled her over my knee and gave her the spanking of her life.
looking back when I told her I wanted a heavy spanking scene I guess I should have specified that I was the one who wanted the spanking.
Robin,
You, my friend, have had more interesting scenes than most of us put together. I’m sure that you have endlessly entertaining stories..
That my friend, is because I play with interesting people!
Reflecting on your story a bit, it’s too bad the mirror guy wasn’t more into cheerleaders. If I were to play with you, I’d want that tenderness, and also for you to shake a pom pom with one hand while you’re spanking me with the other…laughing. (I’m not even going to ask if you can do the “splits” because that’d get me in more trouble.)
BT,
I can “split” the flesh on your tush with my delrin cane…how’s that?
Hello Ms Dana, my bad experience happened 2 yrs ago .I was in contact with a local lady dom for a few months discussing everything and finally i met her ,had dinner and then went to her home for some fun .The only thing this lady did that we had discussed was laying me over her lap on the sofa everything else was not discussed and for the next 30 min she used many toys on my bare bum .Finally i asked if we could take a break and i went to the bathroom and barely was able to sit my butt was very sore .After another 20-30 min she had me lay face down on the sofa and proceeded to use more toys on me for about 30 more min .Finally she stopped and let me get up ,once i did i felt how sore my butt was and how swollen it was and had trouble putting my undies back on .My butt was black and blue for 4 days after .We had discussed hand spanking ,warms up and nothing was done that way .I feel that part of it was my fault but i expected her to do what we had discussed and not just beat me .This scene has made me more careful .I’ve been spanked by many ladies over the yrs and never had a session like this .Myself i’m not a heavy player though if warmed up by hand i can take a lot and i’m fine with a stinging bum fora few hours not 4 days .The only thing i can say is there really no way of knowing whats gonna happen even with all the talking ahead of time and if i see its gonna happen again i will put a stop to it right away .When i spank ,i play according to what the lady wants or needs .Since this i have been spanked by a few ladies who were wonderful but i’m still careful .I’ve never had a bad experience at shadowlane/FMS parties
Eston,
I think that most of us use our ‘bad’ experiences as opportunities to grow and learn – and to not make the same mistake again. This is how we eventually get around to knowing what we like..process of elimination. Ha!
My grandmother only saw two kinds of movies…good and great. And, whether administering or receiving, my spanking scenes tend to fall pretty much into those two categories as well. The difference between the two, for me, is the degree of interpersonal connection that us established. As I once told a pro Domme, it’s not the pain, it’s the sensuality that makes a scene work god me. (And get your minds out if the gutter, I said sensuality, not sexuality, although that fine too.
So, a hood scene, results in someone getting spanked and, if you will, moving on. It’s pleasant, but often less than emotionally satisfying By contrast, a great scene (and you can tell by watching) is when where the give and receiver connect, where a Hunan-to-human channel is open and, as a result, emotional needs can be fulfilled as well as the ohysical
Bob,
Ah, ever the optimist – that’s what I love about you!
In about 20 years now of doing this (I’m exclusively a spanko(, I’ve never really had a bad session. I’ve had some lackluster spankings that didn’t offer me any reason to try again with that particular spanker, some that were gentler than I usually take, some harder, but I never have had a session go out of control.
I’m pretty conservative when choosing my spankers. I go for documented experience and positive reviews rather than “looks really hot.” If I’m booking at a house, I’ll look for the right key words in the mistress’ bio, and will usually ask the headmistress for a recommendation if there appear to be a few possibilities and I’ve never really had a bum steer.
The closest I’ve ever had to a “bad” session was with a house domme who, physically, gave a really great spanking – that part was fine – but we were doing a school role play scene and I was being punished for doing something careless in a chemistry lab and endangering the other students. She started off with that, but couldn’t seem to keep her mind on track, so in half a hour, I was being spanked for what I thought was a good reason, then for fighting on the playground, throwing food in the cafeteria, cheating on a test, and finally getting a girl pregnant! I just kind of zoned out and grooved on the steady smacking i was getting, but I didn’t book another session with her.
I’m always very clear about likes, dislikes, and limits. I don’t do canes and I don’t clean boots. I’ll take a little with wood implements but just to give the spanker’s bare hand a rest. I don’t like bruises. I only book half-hour sessions (sorry, Dana) because that’s about the limit of my attention span, and that’s about all the abuse of the spanker’s hand that I can expect. I don’t like using a safe word, but I tell my spanker that if it gets too intense, I’ll let her know and I expect her to take it down a notch, but to continue the session. The good ones understand, and I’ve rarely had to yell “HEY, DAMMIT BACK IT OFF!!!!!”
I recognize that some people visit a disciplinarian for one purpose – to be disciplined or punished. I do it for fun and make that very clear. If she can’t laugh with me, and only wants to laugh at me, she doesn’t get my business. I never let myself forget that I’m the paying customer.
Mike,
This is one area in which I almost always suggest conservatism – you’re right, partner choosing is extremely important, and we should trust our instincts.
This young man is obviously used to being the center of attention. Poor guy. If only he had waited a while, he potentially could have gotten a terrific spanking. You could’ve given him more attention than he could stand. Thoroughly blistering his backside would’ve taught him a thing or two. Of course, the way you handled it was best.
Speaking for myself, I’m gratified to be spanked by a cheerleader. A cheerleader is nice looking; that’s a given. But a cheerleader is also quite athletic, strong, enthusiastic, smart, gutsy, and disciplined–how else could she (or he, for that matter) have become athletic, strong, enthusiastic, and gutsy? When’s the last time YOU were at the top of the pyramid? Or on the bottom of the pyramid? A cheerleader always wants to be on the side that wins, and she will do whatever she can to assure that her side wins. Some techniques may be unconventional, but her goal is success. Besides, she doesn’t strive to be one of the crowd. And then there’s sincere, and sympathetic, and encouraging, which are attributes that allow for imperfection while urging progress.
Narcissus, aka The Mirror Guy, can have his overbearing Domme.
Cautious,
In high school, I was the girl hanging out behind the gym during biology, not the one shaking pompoms – but I kind of like the idea now that I’m in my 40’s!
Formerly timid, I became a rebel and put a lot of effort into defying authority. I’ve changed, too.
I haven’t had a “bad” experience, but I’ve certainly had quite a few experiences with professional dominants that I didn’t enjoy enough to be inclined to see them again. The main problem I encountered was finding dominants who were into spanking and not just as an appetizer or component of BDSM/mistress-style scenes.
They usually spanked way too light and/or were inept with implements, but more importantly they just didn’t understand the mindset of a spanko, and only catered to submissives, and often didn’t even seem to like spanking or perhaps even men in general, since they were accustomed to groveling supplicants who aren’t exactly the best representatives of men at their finest. I’m not generally submissive – I just like to be spanked (or to spank), so I had zero interest in being told how inferior I was, or in cleaning boots, or in discussing the size of extremities, or in being mummified, or in being leashed, or in going shopping for clothes, or in playing with medical instruments. And I’m a reasonable fellow who is not shy and is fairly adept at explaining my interests….non-spankos just don’t get it. They want to know what you want to do after the spanking – it’s inconceivable to them that it’s an end in itself – to them, that would be like eating one tomato out of a salad and leaving the rest on the plate. To me, it would be like plucking a beautiful tomato out of a pile of weeds.
So I’m glad I finally was able to meet Dana and other disciplinarians who specialize in spanking and really understand the mindset. It’s funny how different the interests of even other people who like spanking can be — I would have actually loved to have been given the “harsher than expected” spankings that other posters here are identifying as their memorable “bad experience” — my most memorable and (at least in hindsight) enjoyable spanking sessions have been when I’ve played with someone who meted out more than I expected, and clearly enjoyed doing it at the time.
Arrogant Brat,
Thanks for discerning between ‘bad’ and ‘not ideal’; it’s an important distinction.
Well, I was going to mention that time I just couldn’t get enough mirrors and my spanker was too kind and considerate, but it seemed imprudent.
In fairness, having that strange cat boot out of your session doesn’t necessarily sound “bad” either – maybe it was “not ideal” as well, but the quicker he vamoosed back to the land of savage reflections the faster you could enjoy more lucid and reasoned company!
Just a handful of minor unpleasant spankings/non spankings…
For my 3rd and final session with this person one male top reeked like B.O. during our session.
Another one at a fetish store where I inquired about being a “submissive” gave me an “audition” spanking and kept reiterating the entire time, “You must have been a Holy Terror while growing up!” AND…he warned me the place MIGHT get raided.
Prior to getting spanked by other women, I pursued sites like Alt.com and Spankfinder. The latter is where I exchanged a series of emails with a woman who referred to herself simply as, “Mistress.”
She would act amused by my comments then do a 180 and write anger riddled critiques of my behavior. At least she was considerate enough to warn me about her creative methods of punishing her subs. Besides spanking she was fond of making them wash her floors on hands and knees, corner time …AND enemas. I said my farewell after these admissions.
For my first session with another female she was pretty cool but initially put me off while explaining “the rules” that should I feel the need to end the session before it was over, that she was “still getting the full fee.” UM, NO SHIT!
Funny that post spanking she recommended I explore bottoming for spanking videos.