Readers,
One of the great things about my job(life) is that I have the opportunity, time and again, to acquaint myself with cool, kind, intelligent people with similar interests. Angel is one of those people – a lifestyle submissive and spanking enthusiast.
I’ve invited Angel to share…well, just about anything that she’d like here, and she’s been kind enough to send along an introduction of sorts, since we will be meeting for the first time in upcoming days. Maybe Angel will decide to share some post-meeting thoughts, as well. In the meantime, I am looking forward to getting to know her soon.
– Dana
Read more of Angel’s thoughtful perspectives on life, love, and her d/s dynamic at Angel’s Spanking Blog.
From Angel:
If any of my blog readers find themselves here at Ms. Dana Kane’s site, which I am sure they will – if you are acquainted with my blog, you will know that I am no stranger to the supernatural. Usually this is because my Mistress has me convinced she could give Sylvia Brown a run for her money, but today this was all me. Or it was Dana Kane. Maybe all Tops are a little (or lot) psychic. I was trying to respond to one of Dana’s blog posts when I got an e-mail from her asking me if I felt like contributing something to her blog written from a female perspective. Coincidence? No one may ever know.
Anyway, here I am. I have an upcoming professional session with Dana ***, and am looking forward to interacting with her in just a few short days. She has generously supplied me with her time via e-mail correspondences and I truly find her quite pleasant. However, I cannot tell if I hope or do not hope that she has the opportunity to spend some time with my Mistress. For the sake of making a new Top friend, that would be splendid, and I know they would get along famously. For the sake of my bottom? I’m a little more fearful.
I am coming to learn that true disciplinarians share similar sentiments. While I have spent some of my free time going over Dana’s writings on her blog, finding them quite relevant and enthralling – I can’t help but admit that I get a little unsettled and sometimes unnerved when she talks about the serious “stuff.”
A hint of panic invaded my being when I read her little piece about excuses, and heard my own Mistress’ voice ringing in my ears. Ah, so there is another Dominant out there who refuses to accept the fact that “tired” is a valid excuse. And traffic – how slighted I felt that one day I did everything right with the exception of taking a precautionary earlier bus to account for any unforeseen road work. How I could not understand my Mistress anger, and even now must brace myself when recalling the incident to avoid becoming too emotional.
Every good intention was thwarted that day by my inability to make a simple and logical choice that would have left both my Mistress and myself in extremely good spirits. Instead, she was quite angry. I was sad. And poor Mistress Mona had to spare my life by keeping me so busy I couldn’t get in the way of the terrible wrath of Domina Nyx. It was truly dreadful. And I wish I understood enough then not to try to justify my inaction with excuse after excuse, truly believing it was a “reason.” I got punished, but it was not her handprint on my face, being denied playing arcade games at the Laundromat, being forced to stand at her side (in between endless chores for Ms. Mona Rogers) until the moment I had to go to bed, or the always present threat of a spanking that had the greatest impact. It was really the grief I felt over having tried so hard, and failed at the last moment, that made the biggest impression. I might have taken it a little to the extreme by showing up 3 hours early to anything important nowadays, but unless the hand of God is literally tugging at the back of my shirt, I will not be late again. If God decides to do this, I truly hope whomever is affected by said event will find this to be a “reason” and not an “excuse.”
Another “post” that struck me was one in which Ms. Kane briefly speaks of accountability. I will admit, I was so taken by this that I closed the entire browser and for the life of me couldn’t find it again when I went to write about it. An hour later (and now officially having read her entire blog but still missing this link) – I resorted to good old google: my best and dearest friend. Quick thinking: “Dana Kane spanking accountability.” Ah, there it is. And here she says: “I feel as though accountability is one of the keys of any successful discipline program. The recounting of misdeeds, while making direct eye contact, is essential.” I had a brief mini-vision and near stroke wondering what it would be like to have to confess something serious to her, forced to look at her and endure the scolding (in that very sweet but strict voice that I am now very familiar with via her free blog videos) that would probably be followed with a spanking. And then I thought of my Mistress, and most recently how I was punished on a car trip. I was, oh here we go…. “Tired.” (Wondering if I could somehow make it the case Dana misses that line)
Anyway, being a self-absorbed child, I decided to pout and keep up an attitude despite repeated warnings – and the fact that I couldn’t come up with one conceivable way I could be immediately spanked on the 5 hour drive. I was pretty sure She wouldn’t come back there and spank me. I didn’t think She would make her other slave pull off to the side of the road for this sole purpose. I felt pretty safe She wouldn’t find a way to do it at the event, in public, despite her sometimes numerous threats to the contrary.
At this point I was consumed with immediate self-gratification, with little regard for my Mistress’ desires. Not because I don’t love her dearly but because I was being a testy, miserable child-creature who was exhausted (having 3 hours less sleep on top of a sleepless night, because I was told the night before not to be even 5 minutes late) and convinced that my bottom was not in immediate danger. That was all that mattered until I was yelled at. “You’re not a child!” She hissed at me. I agreed, in exactly the same manner a child would if the situation made any sense, and responded with a defiant: “I know I’m not a child!” followed by me folding my hands into my chest and pouting so terribly, not even I could take it.
This was the last straw for my Mistress, who demanded I hold out my hand. I was so tired and grumpy that it took me until the first smack that I realized the nature of this command. I screamed a little and withdrew my hand, extending it back ever so slightly when I was told to put it back. I closed my eyes and tried to endure it, but She made me keep them open and look at Her – while keeping my hand steady and in position to be “spanked.” She told me I was being punished and while making me look at Her, asked me to tell Her why.
Really, I was mortified as I had to repeat my infractions and have them met with a smack so hard I was tearing. Suddenly, I did not want to be a child anymore – at least not a misbehaving one. I am not sure if the hardest thing was being hit like I was five, the actual pain, or having to make eye contact to explain that I knew I was being punished and why. When it was over, I retreated into a state of submission and clung to my Mistress in near desperation – as the only comfort I could find was within Her. She offered me Her forgiveness and I offered my gratitude, and things went beautifully until 9 hours later on the car ride home when I really could hardly keep my eyes open despite extra-large coffees, sodas and about 7 caffeine-packed Excedrin. I got my hand smacked again (well both of them actually), and it subdued me for a while, but I got a spanking when we got home – and still have beef jerky welts on my bottom and thighs. (Yes, you read that right. I caution you not to go near any Mistress who has an unopened stick of beef jerky. They may look innocent, but they actually are comparable to canes).
To the point of this: I hate being held accountable, and it’s especially intolerable during a punishment. I agree with Dana, and think it is a vital component of discipline because it teaches and humbles. But I most definitely cannot stand it in the moment. Thank God it is impossible to look at the person spanking you in the eye as you are being spanked. I think I die a little each time I go over my Mistress’ knee, with my bottom completely at Her mercy, being lectured and forced to respond in between strokes. Being made accountable in this way is absolutely mortifying – to be rebuked verbally and then smacked. That’s why sometimes I can’t take it when the spanking is actually over and I throw my head into her lap so She can’t see how She has shamed me. And then all I want to do is spend my life making up for why I was punished – yet I am a repeat offender of common mistakes.
As good intentioned as I am, as much as I love my Mistress, as much as my heart craves submission and to yield to Her within an inch of my life (and sometimes plus the inch) – my will exerts itself in menacing ways, and betrays not only Her, but the person who owns it: me. As sweet and generous and submissive as I can be at times, my nature is a paradox. I don’t want to be punished. I know if I asked Her to spank me because I craved it, needed it – that She would be generous and give it to me. Chances are it will still never happen according to the way I fantasize it might – but at least it would fulfill something I needed. I know I could come to Her and that because She understands my need for discipline, emotional releases and the like (not to mention the fact She is a true sexual sadist) that there is no need for reservations about this.
What I do have is lack of opportunity because I am so frequently spanked, and that definitely makes all forms of spanking aversive – even the kind I used to enjoy. She is so strict about discipline that I have no room to breathe or seek this out on my own terms. Even when I am good – my behavior isn’t consistent to the point where I begin to develop the desire to be spanked within my own physical and psychological jurisdiction. And I have never had a Mistress who used humiliation constructively and so completely against me (by taking me over Her knee against my will and making references to the fact I am bad and act like a child and need to be spanked… and much worse)that it almost becomes worse than the spanking itself. It is amazing what a few embarrassing words can do for an already lacking pain tolerance – especially when they are so manipulated they serve a dual purpose: to make me feel shamed, and to hold me accountable – which by now we all know, I hate.
But I don’t think being accountable is something many people like, and really Dana touched on a very exposed nerve with her post and her examples – all of which I am guilty of. Except I do not have what it takes yet to hold myself accountable, and so I need my Mistress, and indeed She is a source of motivation. On the one hand lies the desire to please, and on the other, to avoid punishment. This whole accountability thing, which I have written so many times now that it’s starting to rattle me, is really the reason I sought out a D/s relationship in the first place and have been seeking them since as long as I could remember. But the whole games changes when one finds that person who can get the job done no matter what the hell you do to avoid it. Part of me is so rebellious because I didn’t think it was an actual possibility in real life. I never had to take it seriously because it didn’t exist. I suppose it boils down to this: I never truly thought that I was punishable – which made me a target for abusive relationships.
Honestly, and regrettably, something about abuse is often easier to tolerate. There is no accountability in abuse. But there is when your Mistress takes you over Her knee like an insecure child, spanks you until you can’t sit down while turning your ass and your face the same shade of red – and then even worse, loving you, genuinely, when it is over. Holding you. Stroking your hair. Wiping the tears. Offering you restitution. Cradling the will She has subdued because She has no interest in murdering your spirit, but taming it so that it ceases to do damage – and refusing to give up because She believes in what She does. This is why I revere my Mistress, although I am not sure She knows or even if I have ever told Her in quite this way. But it’s very powerful for me. I am still coming to terms with the fact that She exists. She thinks I am joking when I say this to Her. But I am not.
All that being said, I am looking forward to my first meeting with Ms. Dana Kane – whom, remarkably, I had been missing for a long time. My apologies, but since I have found my Mistress, there has been no need for me to search the Internet in hopes that someone like Her existed (like I said, still waiting on confirmation She is real).
But it was much to my delight when I discovered Dana’s blog (and that she exists, too), and her contests, and when I heard such nice things about her. It is wonderful to find that more Tops out there exist who share this same spirit of discipline, love and play – and that they are willing to so openly share this with others. To me, this is part of the reason I write my blog – not only for my Mistress and myself, but for others who are truly interested in real life D/s relationships. These are in depth entries – they are really gifts. I have considered Dana’s blog a gift -those words of wisdom she shares, along with the stories of those she disciplines, her accolades for other spanking/discipline enthusiasts, her free videos, the fact that she offers spanking “prizes” – it’s really pretty amazing to me. And I thank her, on behalf of myself and all the others who may want to thank her but haven’t yet (because they are “busy” or “tired” or “stuck in traffic” or even just “shy.”)
Visit my premium video, DVD, and products website at DanaKaneSpanks.com.
Angel
What great insight, though I am sure that you were preaching to thw choir here. Two things that i think those that have not had alot of spanking experience have problems understanding. These are the power of direct eye contact and the element of shame. both related and maybe more powerful than the actual spanking itself. would love to hear more of your thoughts about it.
I also liked the discussion on accountability. I tend to think of it just a bit differently. We are free to do as we wish and no one should or could have the right to take that away. But it is a good Top, that will assign and insure consequences for actions they deem inappropriate.
Look foward to hearning more….Bill
An insightful and honest post, Angel.
I have an appointment with Dana coming up as well. This will be our second meeting.I am very lucky and happy to have made a connection with her.
I suspect that you will find the discipline and accountability you both dread and desire when you visit her.
I have a feeling in my stomach (you know the one) that tells me I will find the same exact thing.
Jeffotk
I must agree ( by personal experience) that having to look Ms. Kane in the eye and provide a serious and detailed accounting of ones misdeeds is a very frightful experience. What makes it worse is that along with the confession comes the knowledge that she not only has the ability but also the will to skillfully provide the very necessary and well deserved punishment that is sure to follow. There is no experience that can compare to a submissive who yields themselves to the unyielding gaze of a dominate while giving an accounting of their behavior. The fear and trepidation which the submissive feels at the anxiety filled moments between the confession and the inevitable pronouncement of the punishments solidifies the relationship between the dominate and the submissive. It is at that moment that the submissive embrace their true submissive nature and gives themselves over to the care and guiding hand of the dominate.
The VBB
This is a truly wonderful post. i understand your paradox so well. i recently confessed to my Mistress, through my “punishment book” page of my blog, the very thing of which you speak… the desire to be held accountable. Then, when the moment came when She was to start holding my accountable, i got scared and rebellious, and ran away from the situation. i had immediate regret.
Hopefully She will forgive my moment of terrified rebellion, as i do seek the type of accountability you have, but have to admit that it is a scary thought.
Thank you both for sharing, this is such an awesome post! Beef jerky welts? I’m positive that’s discipline ingenuity at it’s finest! I have to say that I’m more than thoroughly jealous of Angel on more than one account =)
~ olivia
I am happy that you are all enjoying some f/f content here, and will look forward to posting more from Angel in the near future.
– Dana
I just wanted to thank everyone for their very nice comments. I love Dana, and her blog and her truly wonderful “fans” :) And, to Olivia, I would suggest if you are ever near a Dominant and beef jerky at the same time, eat the beef jerky. I tried but couldn’t stomach it – this was before I realized how painful it was going to be to be hit with it. Next time I’m just gonna suck it up and eat it before it can be substituted for the rod of correction!