Is there such a thing as Too Big?

 

Ahem.

I mean butts, folks, calm yourselves.

Particularly, female butts.

I consider myself a longtime fan of, depending on your vernacular, the part of the female anatomy lovingly called : The Juicy Booty, A Large Backyard, Extra Junk in the Trunk, Fries with That Shake, Bubble Butt, and the universally known “Damn, look at the size of that ass!” (Yes, I know that most of those terms could be considered derogatory if a person were looking for something about which to become righteously indignant, but I stand by my assertion that all of the above are LOVINGLY listed. I should also point out that I use these same terms when referring to a gentleman’s equally-proportioned assets.)

It’s probably unlikely that there are many people on the planet who do not appreciate a well-shaped backside, whether they’re inclined to slap said backside repeatedly or not. I’m sure that there are also a zillion different personal definitions of ‘well-shaped’, as we are all different in our tastes.

And while I certainly appreciate a small, fit, toned, muscular, or petite female backside, there’s something gloriously and spectacularly visually overwhelming about the big, really big, ones.

Problem is, in this age of fix-everything-cosmetic-procedures, ‘real’ butts are nearly as hard to identify as non-Viagra-fueled erections – sometimes you just can’t tell from looking. Gals get fat from one part of their body injected into their bums; there’s all kinds of crazy fillers now, including collagen, and even (silicone!) butt cheek implants. I’ve even heard horrible stories of black market procedures where women’s butts are injected with fix-a-flat…this is not a joke.

The obsession with big butts obviously isn’t just mine, but the idea that women would go to such lengths to achieve a larger-than-life posterior perplexes me. Not because I’m averse to cosmetic tweaking, but because the results so rarely look natural.

A few examples, good and possibly otherwise:  (*Note: I cannot say for sure whether any of the below have or have not altered their backsides with something other than diet and exercise; I can only offer my opinions. I could be absolutely and heinously wrong in each and every case.)

 

Coco Austin (personal favorite Large Backyard)

Coco has one of the most famous posteriors in modern celebrity culture. She’s the wife of Ice T and has at least partially built her fame on those gigantic assets you see in the photo on the right. I’ve always been a fan of watching Coco walk back and forth, bend over, and partake in any other movement which allowed me view of her backside. The photo on the left was taken at the beginning of her modeling career and shows a much much smaller rear-end. It seems like Coco’s done a bit more than just squat thrusts to achieve that gravity-defying, wrap-around booty, but I, for one, am not mad at her. (Is it just right, or too big? Does it matter if she’s had some help in that ‘department’?)

Kim Kardashian

Scandal-worthy behavior aside, Kim Kardashian has one of the most photographed bodies in current celebrity. She’s been scrutinized by nearly every person in the country for her weight fluctuations but one thing’s always been the same – her big ‘ol booty. Or has it? In the photo sequence above you’ll notice that Kim’s backside used to be what one would call relatively normal-sized, but in recent years has morphed into something resembling a satellite orbiting the back of her body. (Is this the payoff of hours and hours at the gym, or hours and hours at the doctor’s office? And, does it matter? Would you spank that?)

Blac Chyna

With all respect for personal choices, I hope rapper and video girl Blac Chyna isn’t into spanking, because I’m pretty sure that those implants would explode on impact.

Jennifer Lopez

Before anyone had ever heard of KK, Jennifer Lopez was the reigning queen of notable backsides. It’s easy to tell from her physique that this woman is in tip-top shape, and the lower back slope and narrower hips suggest, to me at least, that this is an All Natural Ass. (She’s admitted to Spanx, as have most women who can affort the spandex miracle. Is this simply nature at it’s best?)

Serena Williams

Go ahead, accuse repeated champion tennis player Serena Williams of having anything but a One Hundred Percent Natural Bottom…I dare you.

Beyoncé

Another fantasticall fit celeb, Beyoncé looks all natural – and if she’s not, who cares, ’cause whoo!

Nicki Minaj

If these before and after photos are to be believed, Nicki Minaj once had not just a less-than-large behind, but nearly none at all. Now, she’s famous for more than her singing and outlandish fashion – she’s become very well-known for that magically-appearing butt. (Last-minute genetic mutation? Overzealous cosmetic enhancement? Do we care?)

Jessica Biel

Jessica’s another star known for her fit lifestyle. Considering that, while she’s packing quite a lot of punch back there, it doesn’t look particularly out-of-proportion to the rest of her body or oddly high…looks like the Real Thing. (Spankable?)

Okay, okay, I could and would go on like this for quite some time, but you’ve probably experienced enough mindless butt-worship for one day.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming…

–  Dana