No.
It’s one of the shortest sentences in the English language, but most people have the hardest time wrapping their minds and tongues around it, at least situationally. We can look at ourselves naked in the bathroom mirror and shout it at the tops of our lungs, and we can usually manage it if someone asks us whether we want a fried egg on our hamburger, but barring those simple examples the word becomes more and more difficult to say.
But it’s not really the word itself, is it? It’s the implication of rejection that we all perceive goes along with using it. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or appear self-absorbed, so we don’t say it. Then we do something that we didn’t really want to do in the first place. Then we complain about it and hold it against the other person.
Don’t lie, that’s usually how it goes.
Let’s do an exercise together : take a minute to think of all the times you’d have liked to say ‘no’, and didn’t. Don’t go crazy, ’cause this could take all day…narrow it down to the last week or month or so. Did you help someone move when it was really the last thing you wanted to do? Did you babysit for someone’s rotten kids or go out dancing on a night you’d rather have stayed home? What about all those times that the ‘no’ would’ve been implied through your actions, and you chose to go with the flow? Have you answered the phone later than is acceptable to listen to a friend/relative complain about something you’ve heard before? Or maybe you just didn’t voice your dissenting opinion when somebody said or did something you thought wrong. Have you ‘gone along’?
Go ahead. I’ll give you a minute.
…
…
I think that if we’re all honest, we can come up with *at least* one example of a situation where the word (or concept) NO would’ve been warranted. And we missed it. We were afraid of it, or it was too complicated, or we’ve just been programmed to people please to an extreme.
The above question is for US, not for them. Why is it so hard for us to choose ourselves in the equation and simply demur? Honestly, I think it’s because we’re all a bunch of lazy chickens. We don’t want to have to explain ourselves for fear of being judged selfish or negative. We automatically assume that the other party will take offense at our use of the word, and godforbid we should offend anyone. Heavens to Betsy! What a terrible world we’d live in if everyone didn’t get their way all the time.
What a joke.
Learn to say no. Learn to accept that the way another person reacts to your use of the word is up to THEM, not you. Learn to be okay with someone being offended or even mad when they don’t get the answer they’re expecting – especially if you’ve trained that person to expect nothing less than complete compliance from you (your fault, by the way, not theirs). We cannot control what other people do; we can only control what we do. And the more we reserve the use of the big bad ‘no’ word, the harder it becomes to say it when it’s really necessary. You don’t have to put on your Mean Face, and you don’t have to square your shoulders and make Direct Eye Contact. You can simply smile and say, “Yeah, no. I don’t think so. But thanks anyway.”
Warning : Sometimes other folks won’t have good home training, and they’ll continue to push even after you’ve used the magic word. They’ll try to cajole, joke, guilt, and eventually outright force you to change your mind, your feelings, or your plans. These people we will refer to as ‘assholes’.
You have no responsibility to assholes. They’re rude, pushy, and obviously lack social skills. For them, only one answer will suffice :
– Dana
I’ve been thinking about this post. I’m sure if I went to see Ms, Kane, she would be so entranced with my personality that she wouldn’t even want to spank me for all my misdeeds. Would you Ms. Kane? (What was the title of this article again?…I just can’t remember it!) And,oh my goodness, I just swerved from TUS to RS.
BT,
It’s always RS in the ‘end’, isn’t it? (Aren’t we punny?)
Oh-em-gee, Dana, don’t go to the dark side, please! :) I’m warning you from experience: it’s so hard stoppun when you do. If I see you at the 12 step meetings, I’ll know what happened tho…
I’m not much for twelve-stepping, BT, but I love a good two-step!
Very good treatise on the word “no.” One of my successes on saying this word was the time a friend of mine wanted me to take her to Benicia when I was going to Carmel. I do not drive Hwy. 101 in the Bay Area if I can help it. I also don’t want to drive on I 680. Just let me drive to Carmel on I 5 and through Pacheco Pass, thank you. I told her NO. I didn’t hear from her for months. LOL Guess what? It didn’t bother me in the least. So, saying NO isn’t all that bad. As you say, the other person might mope or might get mad, but that doesn’t mean we have to always give in.
It was quite refreshing to say NO!
Bobbie Jo,
Once we get past the guilt feelings we think we’re supposed to have – the feeling selfish – we realize that it’s empowering to not be a doormat to ourselves.
You are so correct Dana! It is so important to say ‘No!’ And yes. I have the hardest time doing it. Especially with some of my closest family members. The next time I’m in the position where I don’t want to do something. I’ll remember this blog. And hopefully I will have the courage to say ‘no.’ Along with not worrying one bit what the other person(s) reaction will be. Very helpful blog! Thanks!
PS: Little Kay has no problem saying “NO!” She might have to teach Big Kay a few pointers.
Kay,
I told another friend recently to simply follow up the ‘no’ with, “I’m sure you understand.” I think that’s an effective deterrent to follow-up arguments, as anyone with any sense knows that’s a cue to shut the hell up.
I remember hearing someone once say, “No just means I know what I want”.
I always thought that was cool.
I’ve come to learn I definitely get exhausted socializing or committing to more than I can energetically handle and I use to judge myself for not spending enough time with others or doing more at times and so I would overcommit in order feel I was acting “more normal”. So, while still a work in progress I am becoming less apologetic just cause I’m realizing it’s not just what I want but also what I simply need as well.
You’re probably better at saying no though:)
Lei,
Saying no takes practice, as does everything. I, like most everyone else, used to say, “I’m sorry” a lot, when I’d back out of plans last minute or not follow up with something I’d committed myself to. Then I realized that THAT behavior is even more damaging to everyone involved than just being honest and saying, “I don’t wanna.”
Dana,
LOL. (Well, it really isn’t that funny – is it? NO, it is not.)
I said ‘NO’ twice this evening to the same friend. The story goes like this.
I have had plans for weeks to visit my life-long friend in Whidbey Island, of whom I haven’t seen in years. (The motorhome’s maiden over-night stay voyage…yippee). Then, a (supposedly) good friend texts, and ‘tells’ me I should go to the Kid Rock Concert (tomorrow night) with them all, and we could pre-funk in the motorhome before the concert. I told her I already had plans for Saturday. She said, “change them or go up on Sunday” and come play with us instead. (insert WTF here!) So, I say, “plans have been made for weeks and I won’t be changing them”. Her response, “dang and poop”. Really!?!? How old are we, again!?!
Dana, you know me fairly well, right? Yes, you are correct!! I am thinking…do you really think that I don’t recognize the fact that you have had these concert plans for how long and did not bother to invite me; until it dawned on you that my motorhome is now an option for pre-funk and other convenient fun. (I’m thinking in my head) Do I look like a ‘tool’? Uh, yeah – didn’t think so. Oblivious? – nope, not that either. Stupid? – try again. Easily manipulated? What are you smokin’.
So OMG…I am, shall we say, slightly irritated. Then she has the audacity to say, “we all need to take a trip to Portland in the motorhome”. (Keep digging your grave, sista’). I said, “that would be fun. You know where I live and you have my number”. She says, “Ok, keep in touch”. (What? Didn’t I just tell you (in so many words) that you know where I live, etc. Call me, if you want to see me, not my motorhome…grrr. (‘F’ that…amazing how people change over time isn’t it. Some for the good, some not so much).
(Wow!! Just Wow!! Last time I checked, I have a hell of a backbone, have had one for a very long time, and will always have one).
In conclusion, to my venting and relative story to your blog post, I may be moving a few so called friends to the acquaintance/asshole category.
I hear you, Ms. Dana – loud and clear.
Gads…some PEOPLE, need a good spankin’ to teach them a little RESPECT…just sayin’.
Hugs,
Stace
Stacy,
Some people would take that spanking and go right on being oblivious to everyone around them. Those are the ones who need a category shift. oxxo
Looking at myself naked in the bathroom mirror and screaming “HELL NO” is a morning ritual. I should probably start reciting the “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggonnit people like you” but it feels silly ;)
KC,
Positive affirmations only work if you believe that they will, much like everything else. If you just stand there every day feeling like you’re blowing smoke up your own bum, it won’t do a bit of good. Try, “I can do better than this, but I could do a whole lot worse, too.” That feels better, and still leaves you with a goal.
Somehow, “no’ is a word I find it hard to believe you accept from others. One would think if it were something you wanted, that “no ” would not be an answer that would “sit comfortably” with you. That’s a good thing for your particular profession.
Paddlebum,
I love it when my playmates say ‘no’. It’s proof to me that they know their limits, their minds, and their preferences. Nothing wrong with standing up for oneself. Besides, I like a challenge.~
Last week I went to the Bay area as I had planned to meet a Top and a Very close friend told me not to!
I already had the tickets so was going any ways but I waited for this so called Pro Disciplinarian to meet with and she was a no call no show!
I was stood up!
But the thing is I should have cancelled as my friend told me and I did not “I did not say No we are not going to meet”
But it all worked out in the end except My end did not hurt after only my feelings!
tanned,
Sometimes we see the signs and just don’t acknowledge them..it’s always best to double check.
I’m pretty easygoing and reasonably polite. The only people to whom I feel like saying “HELL NO” to are those who ring my doorbell and say “We’re doing some work in your neighborhood this week. Can we give you a free estimate on some new windows?” Or the phone calls telling me about investment opportunities, loans for my business, or new windows.
To the door-to-door approach, I usually say “No, thanks.” After all, he or she did make the effort to walk down my driveway to my door. But if that doesn’t work, it becomes just plain “No” and I close the door. I’ve mitigated the telephone solicitors by looking at the caller ID display on my phone and if I don’t recognize the name or caller (many are”UNAVAILABLE” from an 800- number) I let my answering machine politely answer the phone and wait for the caller to hang up.
No, the “Do Not Call” list doesn’t work.
Mike,
You’re right about that Do Not Call list – I think they sell it to telemarketers.~~
Definitely something I need to work on with certain people. Usually ends up being a “no,sorry..”
Becky,
An excellent rule of thumb: never apologize for yourself, only your actions. Unless you’ve wronged someone, they don’t deserve a ‘sorry’, unless it’s ‘sorry you’re unhappy about my saying no. I hope you manage to recover.” ~~
I NEVER have a problem saying NO to random people/strangers who try to solicit money from me either in person or on the phone. At work I say NO to working extra tasks unless they are considered a “priority.” But volunteering my personal time is not something I will do..
I spend as little as possible physical time around most of my family members since a few have taken to starting arguments and hurling unsolicited critiques of how I live, make decisions, etc.
But as far as genuine friendships go, I have give and take relations with my closest friends.
As far as I’m concerned if someone has gone along time after time to do certain activities without voicing any disinterest/annoyance, etc. Then it IS on said person to communicate whether or not this is a burden. To just “pull the rug” out from under a so-called friend or loved one is ignorant. If no one complains how is the “imposing” person to know that isn’t welcome? But from my cynical outlook petty passive aggressive bullshit behavior like “forgetting” to return a call makes the “put upon” one look like the asshole. If a person doesn’t really care how the other one feels that’s not a friendship anyhow and those people should probably cease contact.
Unless I’m sick or completely exhausted I do accept most social invites. I’m happy to be included and my closets friends know what my likes are so they’re already very unlikely to ask me to do something I hate.
Kelly,
I cannot imagine your ever having trouble saying no, unless it’s to One More Spanking. oxxo
Ms. Dana: VBB I’m going to cane you!
TheVBB: No Thanks.
Ms. Dana: I said I’m going to use the cane on you Mr. VBB
TheVBB: Ma’am What part of No did you not understand?
Ms Dana: That’s it Mister, your getting the cane on your bare Bum!
TheVBB: Yeah, no. I don’t think so. But thanks anyway.
Ms. Dana: You’ve really crossed the line this time Mr. VBB! Now your going to get the Delrin Cane.!!!
TheVBB: Hell no!
Yeah, you are right Ms. Dana, saying no really does feel good.
You are the CUTEST little pain in the ass ever, ya know that?.. (oxxo)