What follows is an extraordinary example of creative writing. Penned by a UK reader (unfortunately as a non-contestant), this is simply delightful! From the Story of US writing contest, please enjoy ‘Formulas’. – Dana
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Examination question: Formulas
Dear Readers,
I must start with a confession. I’ve never been much good with exams, especially anything scientific. As will no doubt be clear from this story, I am no scientist. However, this particular branch of science, concerning what attracts people to spanking, is one that I’m very interested in, which makes a big difference.
On this occasion I stared at the exam paper. It said:
“Explain the formula U + ME = US, using other relevant formulas to illustrate your answer”.
I’d not come across this before, so there was no easy or ready-made answer to churn out. It had to be worked out in my head, which I guess was the point of the question. This was what I came up with.
The first task must be to define U and ME.
Of these the central character is U. U = DK (Dana Kane). It should be noted carefully that in the equation U + ME = US, U is always the dominant factor. What must also be recognised is that U is unique, since there is only one DK. For many people this is a matter of regret, since the world would be a better place if there were more DK’s, but you cannot argue with the facts.
Secondly, we must note that DK (U) can also be represented by the formulas SBW (stunningly beautiful woman) and SSp (strict spanker). Therefore U=SBW+SSp.
We need to examine both SBW and SSp. It could be argued that SBW is subjective; unfortunately photographs are not allowable within exam answers but I contend that were this not the case then SBW would be proved beyond any reasonable doubt.
SSp can take many forms. Of these the most common is otk, which needs no explanation. It is, however, a favourite of both U and ME, thus providing the formula USSp+ME(otk)=US, which goes a long way towards explaining the basic formula in question.
Now, to continue with the basic definitions.
ME = UKM (United Kingdom male). That’s straightforward. After that, breaking down ME becomes more complicated. My ex-wife once described me as a Pvt (pervert), which could be a compliment but sadly that was far from her intention (she wasn’t into Sp), so we’ll overlook that one. ME certainly also = SpWP (spankophile writer and practitioner) but the distinctive feature of ME = CL (cane lover), and C is likely to feature highly in any explanation of ME.
So, what are the more detailed formulas that need to be explored in determining the basic equation in question? There are a number of relevant formulas to take into account. However, before proceeding to look at these, it is essential to look at the major elements used in the formulas.
(i) SoB (sore bottom) is a key formula, appearing as an outcome of all combinations of U and ME. It should be noted that SoB is always linked to, and part of, ME.
(ii) I have already mentioned Sp (spanker, spanks or spanking) and C (cane). However, there some refinements to these basic elements:
Sp, using the hand (s), can be reinforced by the addition of Hb (hairbrush) or Pa (paddle). This has the effect of increasing SoB (sore bottom) to VSoB (very sore bottom).
The properties of C are most interesting. Being a natural product, every rattan cane is unique, which is one of the reasons why ME=CL. In passing it may be noted also that a vital element of CL is SwCHR (swishy crook-handled rattan) but these are refinements that need not be explored further in answering today’s question. It is sufficient to recognise the essential and common properties of C, which are the production of StESoB (striped and extremely sore bottom). ESoB can be increased further by using DC (dragon cane).
(iii) Sine, cosine and tangent are terms used in trigonometry (the study of triangles] that shed further light on the formula in question. For use in formulas these terms are normally shortened to sin, cos and tan. When otk, ME may be represented by the symbol ^, since the body bent over the knee resembles an inverted V. If a line, representing the lap of U, is drawn underneath ^ we create a triangle . In relation to U+ME=US, we are not concerned with measuring the area of the triangle but sin and tan are still relevant since ME-sin is always followed by U-tan. (Though not strictly relevant to the question set, it is nonetheless interesting to note that an anagram of sin, cos, tan is “S no can sit”; in the present context of U, ME and otk that ought to be “ME no can sit”, but hey, life isn’t perfect.)
(iv) Two other elements are important to mention: Hu (humour) and Cr (creativity). These elements are vital to an understanding of both U and ME.
Now, on to the important associated formulas.
1. DK+50hSp=SoB4ME
In this formula hSp represents hard spanks and, as I have stated, SoB represents sore bottom. It should be noted that the number 50 is given only as an example; the number preceding hSp is determined by DK and will vary according to the properties and recent behaviour of ME, which is variable. What is inevitable and invariable in the equation is SoB for ME.
2. U+60Sp+40SpPa+20SpHb+12C=VSoB4ME.
This formula represents a more serious situation than formula 1. As in that example, the numbers may vary. I refer back to (iii) above regarding sin and tan. The greater the extent of sin, so tan will increase proportionally, and this will be reflected by higher numbers and additional elements, as here.
3. DK+C6otb=redStB4ME
This formula can be confusing as otb represents both ‘of the best’ and ‘on the bare’. Deciding which is meant can normally be avoided by assuming it means both. This formula is mostly used in association with C (cane) or DC (dragon cane) and may be accompanied by (JFS) ‘just for starters’, or, as it is now more commonly stated (A) = aperitif. Where used as the main ingredient it becomes an essential formula, and is likely to be expressed as (6otb)2 or (6otb)*(6otb), especially when applied to ME. For variety, the formula C(6otb)*3+DC(6otb)*3=EredSoStB (extremely red and sore striped bottom) provides for particular satisfaction to both U and ME.
A complicating factor with 6otb is V (velocity). The speed and power with which each of the 6otb is applied (6otb*V) affects the outcome, but to keep matters straightforward it is best just to recognise that in all cases the formula will be (6otb*V)=Ow! V simply affects how loudly Ow! is expressed.
4. U+ME÷AO
This formula is the most problematic in explaining U+ME=US. Being divided by the AO (Atlantic Ocean) presents a major obstacle. However, both U and ME are exploring ways in which this obstacle can be overcome. Meanwhile, DKbl (Dana Kane’s blog) and MEw (ME writing) enable a link to be maintained.
So, to explain the formula U+ME=US.
As we have seen, Sp provides the essential link, being present in both U and ME. Since Sp is inherent to both parts of the equation (U and ME) it does not need to be explicitly stated, except when looking in detail at US. For most purposes it can be assumed.
In addition, a further common element to both U and ME is PnPl (pain and pleasure). Note that Pn and Pl are inextricably linked. It should also be noted here that while DK= PnG (pain giver) and ME=PnR (pain receiver), the combination PnG+PnR=Pl2 shows that both parties take great pleasure from the interaction. It is also the case that Pl2=US.
Pl2 can also be expressed as 2HP (happy people).
In full, therefore, the formula DK+Sp+C=RedStSB4ME=2HP, but since RedStSB4ME = 2HP, and DK=U it is reasonable to reasonable to express the formula more simply as U+Sp+C+ME=2HP.
However, I have shown already that Sp and C are essential elements of both U and ME, therefore this too can be assumed and we need simply to state that U+ME=2HP. This conclusion may also be reached by recognising that both DK and ME are themselves HP, therefore DK+ME=2HP
I have also shown (above) that 2HP is derived from Pl2 and thatPl2 = US. Thus it is evident that 2HP=US. Therefore, since both U and ME are HP, it can be clearly seen that U+ME=US.
OK readers, I told you that science was not my strong point. I hope you managed to get through all that, and that your head isn’t spinning too much from all those formulas. I don’t know yet what marks the examiner will award (though I do have an inkling of what kind they are likely to be!). However, the ‘bottom line’ of this story is that all you really need to do is BO (bend over) and let the wonderful Miss Dana Kane do what she does best. That is the essence of all of US.
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