Readers,
I travel a lot – at least once a month, and oftentimes as many as three times over the course of 30 days. On most of these trips, I visit three or four cities. For example, I may fly from Las Vegas to Denver, then Denver to St. Louis, then St. Louis to Cleveland, then back to Las Vegas again over the course of a week.
That’s a whole lotta air travel. And a whole lot of opportunities to come into intimate contact with Airport Security employees.
Considering my lifestyle and occupation, these encounters are always fun and interesting – at least for me, anyway.
For the first year that I spent traveling the country, I carried a three-foot, matte black drafting tube, which contained my canes, long straps, and anything else I could manage to stow in there. As you can imagine, a container that size and shape draws more than a little attention at baggage check-in, and more than once the following conversation was likely overheard by anyone else standing at the counter at that particular moment:
Agent: How many bags checking?
Me: Two. This big one, and the drafting tube.
Agent. …And what’s in the tube?
Me: Canes, paddles, and straps.
Agent: (pause) What?
Me: (eyebrow wiggle) Canes, paddles, and straps.
Agent: (longer pause) I’m going to have to look inside.
Me: Could you do it in the back, so that the kids standing at the next station aren’t scarred for life?
Agent: Oh.
Then there was the cute young curbside check-in guy who asked whether the tube contained a fishing pole. I asked him whether I looked like someone who was going fishing. He smiled, asked what was in the tube, and I smiled and told him. He said, verbatim “Oh yeah? Where are the whips and chains?” I said (sliding my suitcase up onto the shelf) “They’re in here.” I think he would’ve personally carried me to the gate if I’d have asked.
But this drafting tube system was never perfect, for a number of reasons, and I was always trying to figure out a best-way to transport implements. The decision was made for me, at around 9:30 pm one evening, in the baggage claim area of Detroit’s Metro airport, when the bottom of the tube dropped out and unceremoniously spilled a dozen or so spanking implements onto the floor…with about a hundred and fifty people looking on. Not a shining moment.
So I upgraded to a very large suitcase which will accommodate not only my clothes and sundry items, but implements, too. I pack the smaller stuff in the inside side zippers and lay the canes cross-wise (padded). Presto! No more need for conspicuous tubes. The downside?
I have found no less than five dozen of these babies stuffed inside my luggage at various places around the country, after having passed through the TSA’s monster xray machines. Early on, I considered keeping them all and either a)papering my bathroom with them as a form of art expression or b)mailing them all back to the TSA with a nice letter about conservation.
I don’t really care whether they check my bags…well, not usually. I will admit to having, a few times, intentionally packed my less-than-desirable worn clothing RIGHT ON TOP of the suitcase – just in case they want to wade through there to get a hand on my favorite paddle. Not so fast, buddy! If you want to paw through my unmentionables in the name of National Security, you’re going to have to deal with my early-morning-security-line bitchiness.
Don’t we all feel much safer now?
– Dana
Visit my premium video, DVD, and products website at DanaKaneSpanks.com.
I so want to fly with you somewhere now. lol
Dana that’s funny, I would have loved to see the peoples faces (and yours) when the tube openned in Detroit. Glad you got that fixed for you next visit to Detroit as they may be looking for that lady with the drafting tube…! E
Wonder if you left one taped to the outside they would leave your luggage alone? Isabella
This made me laugh out loud several times. John came running to see what had me so hysterical. :-)
Personally, I’ll feel a lot safer when they start allowing me to carry my pocket knife on board again. Then I won’t have to panic and run around the airport trying to find a place to hide it while I’m gone, when I forget to leave it out of my pocket when I’m getting dressed.
Dana, I grew up 10 miles from that airport. I’m sorry but I would give my life savings to have been able to see the jaws drop when all those “BAMBOO FISHING POLES” fell on to the floor ;)
I know you weren’t blushing, but I am :) I take it that my first request for your services should be for some sort of TSA/airline agent roleplaying scenario?
Anthony
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha . . . ha!
Haha! Thanks everyone, I’m happy that you all enjoy my suffering so much.
An addendum: Yesterday, I had to pass through Toronto’s Pearson airport and all the added security, passport check, customs, et cetera, et cetera.
It was, without a doubt, the most unpleasant airport experience to date.
I’d like to thank every single employee of YYZ for making the trip home as uncomfortable as humanly possible – and especially the two who searched and emptied my purse -tampons and all, twice, in full view of other passengers. Turns out that my grandfather’s WWII dogtags, which I’ve traveled with for years, look EXACTLY like a large pocketknife in Toronto.
– Dana
OH Dana I am so sorry to hear that your experience with Pearson was so unpleasant. See come to Halifax :) we are nice here no cranky security!!! I had to travel through Pearson in Nov and I am Canadian and they were so rude and hateful. I was not in a good mood once I passed though there and flew on through to Washington D.C. I do have to admit though sometimes when I go through American airports those guards scare the heck out of me but I always tell people I have nothing to hide so just let them do their job. I hope that doesn’t stop you from coming back to Canada :)
Though it is or seems to be a necessary evil these days. Though guess they want to see the paddels and other impliments up close. Though it would be better if they did it, in a bit more private a setting. for the safty of the kids.
Reading this made me think you should hand them discount invitation business cards, and see who turns up. I guess if it gets too bad, you could store a few of your harder to transport items in each city, or airport, you go to. Be more fun though to keep a copy of How to Discipline Young Gentleman on top of your contents, with a piece of paper sticking out of with ‘notes of airport security staff’ written on it.