Everyone (and I do mean everyone),
After a long conversation yesterday with one of my new friends, I couldn’t help going back to our exchange in my mind, all last evening. Without going into any specific detail, my new playmate is a sweet, gentle, beautiful, respectful, delightful person. She’s smart, well-educated, and has achieved much already in her first three decades. Like nearly every single person I’ve had the wonderful pleasure of meeting via this thing we call spanking, she’s a Good Apple. But there’s a problem:
She doesn’t love herself enough.
That’s not her fault; it’s the fault in the tools she’s been given to construct her self-image. And it’s not a singular issue, is it? How many of us has something(s) about ourselves which we simply cannot forgive? Are we too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat, too redheaded, too blonde, too freckly, too fair? Do we have scars, stretch marks, thinning hair, big feet, small hands, wrinkles? Do we feel inadequate – as partners, parents, friends…people? Are we underpaid, underappreciated – unloved?
Hell yes.
Every single one of us feels this from time to time. That’s called being human. But some of us feel it all the time – a prevailing sense of ‘not-good-enough-ness’ that no number of sunny days can relieve. We find ways to numb ourselves to our own thoughts, thereby cutting ourselves off from everyone else in the process. Isolating. Finding ways to keep ourselves in that dark place because it’s the only place we feel comfortable.
That’s not our fault, either. Unless we don’t work, every day, to change our minds. Change our circumstances. Most importantly, change the way we look at ourselves.
Many times, I’ve asked my friends to stand in front of a mirror – looking into the reflection of their own eyes – and repeat things like, “I love myself.” You cannot imagine (or maybe you can) just how difficult these exercises can be. To look at oneself, not subjectively, but with unconditional love, is one of the hardest things most of us will ever accomplish. Usually, because we’ve not experienced enough of it – love without conditions, that is.
We’ll all talk much more about love, limits, self-care, and spanking for years to come, but today, there’s just one thing that I think ALL of you should know:
You are beautiful.
– Dana
I overcame a lot of personal strife from younger years and learned to embrace my tougher side. Of course I’m not perfect but overall I have made a good mold for how I WANT to behave/live life, etc.
Where I have MAJOR problems is when UNSOLICITED criticisms or opinions come my way from mostly blood ties or co-workers/employers-in other words people I didn’t necessarily CHOOSE to be emotionally or physically close to-more of a necessity.
When a situation involving one of them pisses me off, I seek things about ME that I appreciate and say to HELL with them! I agree that having to engage in inane/IRRITATING/ANNOYING communications with them makes me WANT to disengage and detach ASAP.
Alexis,
You’re giving another perfect example of the ways we cut ourselves off from others to keep our emotions in check – distancing yourself from people who piss you off is usually a Good Thing, though.~
Thanks!
My pleasure, love.
I really appreciated this post and found it affecting. While my moniker suggests that I’m self-confident to the point of belligerence — and that’s probably not a complete facade although I am a magnanimous fellow!– these days I often don’t like myself very much because I feel like I’m such a shadow of what I once was, and what I could have been. I’m haunted by those thoughts.
That regret and loathing is paralyzing, at times, until I realize that even if I can never be what I once was, or what I could have been, I can still likely be a better, more capable, person – who I can like more than the self-absorbed mope that I’ve been during the period that spawned that malaise and maudlin contemplation.
You’re such a caring, considerate, lucid and sensible person – thanks for such a nice post, and Merry Christmas!
I’ve been thinking about this post for several days now. This is something I deal with on a regular basis. First, it can be hard to love yourself when your so-called “friends” who claim to love you ignore you and disappear without so much as an explanation. This has happened to me a few times now, and it is hard to love yourself when those who claim to obviously don’t, and think their behavior is okay.
Second, as a woman, the media constantly batters us with images of what we should look and be like. In my regular job it doesn’t matter too much what I look like. I also work in the entertainment industry though and get turned down for being too short, too tall, not skinny enough, etc. In my current holiday performance contract there is even an ideal weight clause. They haven’t done weigh ins or told me what my “ideal weight range” is, but they have the power to tell me to return to a certain weight within 7 days or face fines and/or termination. That is a lot of pressure when you’re a girl, and can easily lead to eating disorders for those who are prone to that. I eat, though probably not enough for my activity level currently.
With all of these pressures, it is very hard for me to love myself sometimes. I try, but there are definitely days where it feels like a losing battle.
Thank you for your post. It is just what I need to hear sometimes.
IrishEyes,
We all need to hear it sometimes. And we all need to be less attached to the way others act and react. People come in and out of our lives for any number of reasons (usually it has very little to do with us – humanity is selfish), but we cannot base our self-worth on those comings and goings. You are FREAKING FABULOUS no matter who your friends are, I promise.
But you could probably choose your friends more wisely…if it’s happened repeatedly then maybe there’s a pattern to your friend selection.
Also, if you’ve chosen to work in the entertainment industry then you must understand that looks are immediately a large part of the equation. Let’s not mistake that for a need for PERFECT LOOKS, though. (And it’s not a gender thing, either, at least not in this case, as the standards of ‘male beauty’ in entertainment are just as high, I think.)
You should look how you feel good looking – build a place in the industry for YOU, instead of trying to fit into some pre-existing and ridiculously-unhealthy and arcane idea of attractiveness. I promise you that with enough work, positive self-image, and motivation, you’ll make a name for yourself, no matter what the scale says.
Chin up.
Yes ma’am. I have had many people come and go through the years. It’s just a part of life, growing up, and maturing. There have only been a couple that make me scratch my head. I wish I could say that it doesn’t affect me and that I don’t care, but that would be a lie. I really am lucky to have the friends I in my life that I do! :)
The entertainment business by trade is a tough industry as far as looks go, even in local plays/musicals which is what I do most of the time. I am usually happy with who I am. I won’t say that I’m happy with how I look as that comes and goes- I’m a typical girl in this regard, LOL. Being turned down for a part because I don’t have the right look doesn’t usually bother me. It’s the snide remarks from a costumer- “the girl who wore the costume before you was tiny” or from a producer when I said I was interested in a certain role “we want girls who are 5′-5’2″ and 100 pounds” that get under my skin and make me feel not good enough. I will never be that small and am okay with that. As it stands right now, I could actually stand to gain a few pounds, LOL. I have always taught, and always thought that it is important for a girl to be happy with who they are, not how they look. It’s just hard sometimes, and really easy to feel not good enough with all of the messages we receive from the media about what’s important and how we should look.