If anyone asked any one of us if we consider ourselves to be Liars we’d likely answer “no”, or “no, at least not on the big stuff.”
If asked whether we consider ourselves to be Pushovers, we’d probably also answer in the negative; nobody wants to be a pushover, right?
How about if someone asked you how often you end up doing and/or putting up with a bunch of crap that you shouldn’t because the people in your life inflict themselves on you on a regular basis?…
Bingo.
Let’s talk about whose fault that is.
When someone says, “Can you do X for me?”, even when they know it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for you, and you say, “Okay” even though you really don’t want to.
When you allow yourself to pick up the telephone knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person on the other end is about to piss you off/hurt your feeling/interrupt your serenity.
When your own family members are a constant source of stress and bordering-on-insanity drama, and you still get involved every single time.
When someone has already proven to you that they’re not to be trusted with your favorite sweater, your secrets, your feelings, or your credit card – but you continue to give them access to one or all.
When you repeat the same patterns of self-harm and self-hatred over and over again, knowing damn well that nothing’s going to change until you do.
You’re Lying to yourself, and you’re being a Pushover. Harsh but true, and we’ve ALL been there at some time or another. The goal is to not live there permanently.
It’s okay to disengage yourself from things, people, feelings, and activities that make you feel bad, sad, or stressed. It’s perfectly acceptable to let that call go to voicemail, where you’ve left a very nice outgoing message to the tune of, “Hi, this is (your name here). Thanks for calling. If you need my immediate assistance for domestic disputes, bitching, whining, complaining, self-loathing, gossip, or to unload a bunch of baggage – please hang up and try your call at a later date. We’re all full up on crazy today. All other callers may leave a pleasant message after the beep.” Don’t feel guilty and don’t feel bad for having and maintaining clear boundaries.
Just say no.
– Dana
I can’t be the only one that thinks you’re a mind-reader, Ms. Kane. I’ve thought and done all of these things….most of them today! You’re very wise.
Also, I love Buzzfeed, especially their videos. And this one was as hilarious as all the others. Actually laughed at it.
Alyssa,
I don’t have to be a mind reader, just human. There are really only about six real problems in the world, everything else is crap we just won’t let go of.
Buzzfeed Try Guys are my second favorite waste of time.~
Dana you definitely have hit the nail on the head with this one! I’ve never heard of Buzzfeed. Super cool clip in my opinion.
I am completely guilty to the main idea of this blog for sure.
When I do let the cell phone ring with out answering close friends or family this is what happens when I end up calling them: ” Hi. This is Kay. How are you? I haven’t talked with you in a while?” ” Kay, I’ve been calling you all week and you haven’t picked up the phone once.” “Whada ya mean? Maybe something is wrong with my phone.” I reply. (This is where I become the obvious push over). “Kay you are such a fibber.” They reply. Then I get the ‘threat.’ “I’m just going to stop calling you from now on. Especially if you expect me to answer when you call. But you never answer when I call.”
I don’t want to come off like a ‘B.’ But it’s so true. I feel like the closest people in my life get in touch with me for things like this…. Can I borrow $50 bucks? Will you reread my resume and fix it up for me? I need you to pick up my mom from down town. Could you watch baby while I go get my nails done? Have you been watering my plants? Turn on the T.V. and watch channel 9. Can you go get the neighbors phone numbers, I seemed to delete them from my phone? What are you wearing to the restaurant? I need to borrow your gold earings and black purse. What time are you getting off work? Little cousin got detention today and missed the bus. Can you pick her up at 3:45? “And of course I agree to every statement and reply. That is when I do answer the phone.”
Next time I am just going to speak the truth and say, “Oh yea. I know. I didn’t answer the phone because I just didn’t feel like talking.”
I can’t wait to get their reaction after this one!
Great blog Dana! I really connected to this one in a huge way.
Kay,
You can’t come off any more of a ‘b’ than me, sugar, I wrote the post.~~
We all have to maintain our power when we can. That’s not to say that we’re all superheroes and can be calm, cool, and rational all the time – but we do ALL deserve peace and happiness, even if we have to do some major housecleaning to make that a reality.
oxxo
To be honest When I first read it I felt you were writing me :-( as we both know I am guilty of every thing you said and as Alyssa said you were reading our minds,
But I agree we all do it and allow ourselves to fall in to the role of Whoa is me I am so abused and mistreated!
Thank you for another fine look at our short comings and insight in to take charge and stop being the Victim!
tanned,
Exactly. We all do it, and the question is, ‘Why?’
It’s one of the great human mysteries, but I (naturally) suspect that we’re a bunch of emotional masochists who’d rather wallow than shine every once in a while. So long as the wallowing doesn’t last forever…
I knew I couldn’t be the only one, tanned!!
thats why we love Ms Kane she gives us something to cry about so we can stop the wallowing and do some Hollering! ;-)
Ok…Dana, you can get out of my head now…lol. I was just talking to a friend about ‘boundaries’ today. How, I am feeling like my kindness and easy going personality is being taken advantage of by my housemate. Uh…last time I checked it was my house…and I don’t do crazy drama in my tranquil sanctuary. So irritating when people just run right over the solid yellow lines after you’ve warned them that no passing is allowed. Then they have the audacity to call you a ‘b’…really?!
I am so with you on your post. You know how I feel about keeping the manipulative, crazy, bullish, drama out of my life. I also bet if we let more calls go to voicemail, some of us wouldn’t be in trouble with Dana for talking on the phone while driving, including myself. Thank you for the very good reminder to maintain boundaries even during momentary lapses of weakness.
Dana, I just love reading your poignant blog posts. So nice to read ‘real life’ stuff that we all can learn and grow from by reading and sharing opinions and experiences.
Cheers :) .
Stacy,
It’s easy to write about something that all of us have experienced at one time or another. And that’s a VERY important point – we’ve all been there, and may go there again, but it’s the ‘tween times that matter most.
“Just say no” …wonderful advice! now will it work when you, Dana, say to me “get over my knee, Mister”…?.. I will, with great confidence, “just say no”! Or did I somehow miss the point? Ashamedly, I think that to date I have been guilty of being one of your enablers regarding this paddling fixation you have. yes “just say no” that’s the ticket!
Yes, dear, you’ve missed the point. But I’ll make sure that I don’t…miss.
This is why I chose my true friends VERY carefully. I’m loyal to those who show the same respect to me. But if someone acts like I’M a burden/obligation or a pain to THEM, then I cut ties. I think true friends should show support even through rocky times. Otherwise they’re useless to me. Sorry for the harsh stance. One may HAVE to or choose to endure dysfunctional relations with blood ties, but that should NOT be the case with friendships.
I do my best to never ask a friend for a reluctant favor and can’t recall any longer lasting friendships where they’ve done so to me.
In college one frenemy tried to convince me to steal a necklace for her at the mall. I declined the request.
Kelly,
You’re also, notably, a woman who’s surrounded by really good woman friends. It seems as though you’ve chosen well – and so have they.~
One of the most difficult things to cope with when we do say “no” is the guilt trip others try to pull on us. For some reason, we fall for that too often and give in. In addition to that, we often compound the problem for feeling guilty on our own for saying “no.” How many of us really want that false guilt piled on? I didn’t think so.
The other side of the coin is to be gracious when others tell us “no.” It is like being at a party and we ask someone if they want to play with us and they say “no.” There is nothing wrong with that and we can, and should be, ok with it.
I can’t say I have always been ok with someone telling me “no” in whatever the circumstances are. But I have been working on that as well as the ability to say No, which I am not all that good at either.
I did say No to someone who wanted me to take them to a friend’s house while on my way to Carmel. I have not heard from her since. Oh well…
Bobbie Jo,
I think that most of us are kind of programmed to try to save other people. It makes it easier to ignore our own problems that way. Ha!
Learning to hear the word ‘no’ is almost as hard as learning to say it. I’ve gotten better at both, but most especially the saying part. I’m GOOD at that.
“How about if someone asked you how often you end up doing and/or putting up with a bunch of crap that you shouldn’t because the people in your life inflict themselves on you on a regular basis?…”
Whenever a piece of software quits working.
Ha! Yes, definitely.
I think the times I run into this issue more often then not is with in the “community”. I identify as a boy and as a submissive. I only submit to a very select 2. I will negotiate with others as I need an aspect of D/s or a power exchange in my spankings or other play. While not intuitive I do like to be of service, but again only to a very select few.
A lot of Tops, Domly Doms and douche bags in the public arena seem to think they can ask anything from any person whom identifies as a bottom, submissive, slave, masochist or what have you. And the worst part is when they are rude about it. As someone who tries to be helpful or polite it has been really important to me to learn to identify what is an appropriate ask, when to accommodate, when to say no and when to ask my Top to step in and handle an asshole or bully. Basically it is about choosing my battles wisely. So yeah, so sometimes I may do something I may not want to because it is the right thing to do or it will make my Top look good in a certain circle.
This is why it is important to learn to say no and learn to identify intent and the right battles. As a bottom I am sometimes asked to so do something I do not want to do. And that is ok. However if I can weed out the BS then I have the bandwidth to be of service when it is hard because I haven’t burned out on petty bullshit requests from petty bullshit people and wannabes.
There have been times while still learning, where my response to a Top other than mine, who has made an unreasonable or rude request was equally as rude or inappropriate. My Top has had to step in, I have been made to apologize, but it was also made clear to the offending Top that I would not honor their request (rude demand). And yes, when we got home my pants got taken down and the belt came off. But not for saying no, but rather how I said it.
Just AJ,
I agree completely. While there are many reasons that folks misuse power, it can be particularly ‘easy’ to victimize within the BDSM/spanking scene. That’s not hard to figure out, since so many bottoms ARE seeking a strong and somewhat-dominant personality; it’s what gets done with those needs that’s most important, by the bottom and whomever his or her chosen top(s) may be.
Mutual respect is the be-all end-all of everything.
I loved that video. Very funny, but also very true. It’s a problem that I see a lot of people (including myself) struggle with. I actually just had a conversation about saying no with someone yesterday.
I think the biggest problem is that we try so hard to please everyone else, that we sometimes forget to do things for our self. If a friend needs help, I’m pretty likely to feel obliged to listen to them talk about it and help them through even if the thing I should be doing for myself is relaxing a little and not adding to my already massive heap of things to stress about. For most people, not helping because you need to relax feels like you’re being selfish.
I just read this quote somewhere and it’s actually pretty fitting for this situation. “it’s not our deeds that hurt us, but what they make us believe about ourselves.” Ignoring someone or saying no isn’t really the problem, it’s what society has taught you to think about yourself if you do.
And I agree with the rest, I absolutely think that was some kind of mind reading trick. xD
Though, another thought. You can’t fight off everything you don’t feel like dealing with. Sometimes you have an obligation towards someone. You’re family or your partner for instance. You should set your boundaries and speak up when someone crosses them though. So, I guess it’s a matter of finding a balance, as it is with all things in life.
Thanatos,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, and for your succinct thoughts on the subject. Come back anytime!