Readers,
I would appreciate your opinions on a subject that comes up from time to time, usually referred to as ‘distance training’.
Occasionally, I receive a request for distance training -what I call guided self-discipline, and am always happy to consider. However, to date not a single prospective correspondent has shown the application, attention to detail, or mental fortitude necessary to carry out ‘distance training’ as I define it. I am certain that these people do exist – these people who, through a lot of personal strength and support, can maintain a guided self-discipline program – or do they?
Is guided self-discipline in itself an oxymoron?
Let’s look at some other, more commonly-used ideas associated with ‘guided self discipline’:
Self-help books, and tapes, and books-on-tape, and meetings, and retreats, and gurus;
special diets, special exercises, special clothing for the exercises, and especially expensive price-tags on all of it;
yoga, meditation, motivation.
All of the above ‘proven’ to work, I might add (except maybe the price-tags).
How does self-discipline work for you? And, do you believe yourself (or others) capable of maintaining or improving yours through guided disciplinary behavior counseling (including spanking-related self-discipline and other activities)? Does this seem like a viable way of maintaining ones’ self-discipline, or just another type of role-play for spankos?
As always, please leave your comments/opinions in the comment area below, so that others may benefit from your wisdom. (For those of you who cannot seem to comment on my blog – a problem which persists no matter what I do – feel free to email me your comments and I will post them in, on request.)
– Dana
Your Opinion: distance training, or Guided Self-Discipline
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Dana, I think it is very difficult to train something as deeply psychological and comprehensive as a D/s relationship (or its foundations) over distance successfully, but it can be done.
I think if you have a detail oriented submissive who already has an eagerness, it may work. But only if the sub is honest about their behaviors and feelings, and willing to take the extra initiative themselves.
Like any long-distance relationship I think the communication and commitment are the key pieces. Were my sissy or myself in a position where we had to do a long-distance relationship again (as we have done before we had a formal D/s relationship) I would have no trouble continuing training her long-distance. But again, we have a different level of commitment and communication.
Unfortunately I think most subs looking for “distance training” are not as ready for it as they think they are, and that’s where the problem lies. I do think it can be successful but the candidate has to be well-chosen.
Mistress Aimee
Aimee,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I agree that distance relationships with no basis in ‘real time’ commitment are more difficult to manage.
Congratulations on finding a partnership that works for you.
– Dana Kane
Hi
It may be possible for distance training to work with a committed submissive, but I suppose you run the risk that they are just doing it for kicks and that they are making up stories about how well they are behaving or responding to the training. if they pay you in advance for the distance training I don’t suppose it matters but I guess it would be a bit tedious for you.
On the other hand I do believe that it is possible to elicit self-discipline in a person through spanking and caning. I have improved as a person by learning to control my actions and behaviour after taking punishment on my bottom. Currently I am undertaking an “alcohol free” month with the incentive of additional strokes of the cane and paddle if I keep to my word.
Michael M
Michael,
Thank you for weighing in, and best of luck with your current endeavors. However, this is not about receiving payment, but the willingness of the
parties involved to actually achieve something. I simply hate having my time wasted.
– Dana
Dana, I’m stuck in the role playing world. Maybe hearing your voice remotely telling me to discipline myself would be better than self-discipline without that (?). But I’m not real connected to the discipline lifestyle so I can’t speak for others. On your side of the relationship, it sounds like it’s important for the “distance training” to be serious and successful? That’s a pretty noble goal I think.
In my world, having second grade teacher Ms. Kane catch me throwing rocks at another student and responding to my “And who would paddle me? You? {snicker}” with a long over the lap, briefs down, bare-bottomed session where I ground into teacher’s lap and squirmed in pain as her hand and paddle descended. That kind of role-playing for say an hour, in person, would be much preferable to me.
Then we’d both go back to being sorta boring normal people. Or I would anyway :)
I just think whether it’s role playing or serious training, it’d be much more powerful in person.
Dear Ms Dana
The long distance training and relationship can be done but it has to be a very trusting relationship and lots of things have to be talked about. I have been in a long distance relationship with my Domme/spanker for almost 16 years now, and She guides me as well as gives me direction and the needed discipline when i falter or go astray in my day to day life.
It is difficult to maintain this over long distances but it can be done with the proper relationship base and truely knowing each other and trusting each other.
Even though i have a long distance relationship with my Guide in life, i wouldnt trade it or Her love and care for anything in the world.
sincerely
b.b
Let’s face it, it doesn’t work !!
MQ
Anonymous,
I do believe that distance role-play is a viable form of discipline play, and that, as long as all participants know that it’s an exercise in fun, it can be very rewarding. (But ‘sorta..normal’? Nah….never!)
b.b.,
Thank you for commenting. I am grateful for the perspective from someone who’s living a distance relationship – and making it work. You should be happy that you’re not as cynical as….
MarQe,
Enough said.
– Dana
Hi Dana
I have not commented on your blog before. Let me say it is very well done and I appreciate your efforts on behalf of the spanking community. Regarding “guided self-discipline”, it would not work for me because it lacks the strong personal presence of the disciplinarian as well as a credible threat of imminent punishment. For me real spanking and the credible threat of it from someone who cares and who is close by motivates strongly. Spanking is really key to it. If I know absolutely I will be spanked if I misbehave, the chances of doing so are dramatically reduced. I have read some other femdom blogs where a woman either eschews spanking or does it very little. And the male is fulfilled with this. That would fail utterly with me to alter behavior or instill obedience. One example; my wife wants me to cut down (not stop) red wine drinking. In 10 days and two sessions with the cane I have done it and will be able to sustain it for a long time since I really don’t want that third session. That can’t happen with distance discipline. Thanks again for your blog. It has become must reading for me
Alan
Alan,
It does seem to be a matter of individual tastes, doesn’t it? A situation which may work especially well for one, may not work for others. Thank you for your perspective…and for your kind words.
– Dana
I can say it would not work for me at all. Neither would it work for me if it was in person because I am just not into the discipline side of spanking. As for others, I think it can possibly work if the sub is very serious about it and is connected with the right person. I don’t think it normally works very well, though. It seems that most of us are not quite that responsible in one way or another. It just depends on the people involved.
I think you could probably figure out pretty fast if you were wasting your time working with someone who is not that serious. Still, there are those who could really give you the run-around just for fun.
Hello Dana
Years ago i did distance training. There seemed to be two completely different situations. One where we hadn’t met previously, and anothe,r where we had a session and this is what was going to happen until the next session.
Where we hadn’t met there was reality to the session in that a package arrived and in it were a few things to go along with about an hour and a half of a voice recorded instruction. All of the lessons were built around similar themes of control,humility, obedience, respect and discipline.
So a basic set of rules were developed along with an understanding of consequences and performance for future meetings. I think many entered ‘the program’ thinking it was more play; but found it something that really fit a need. With actual voice, with some ‘things’ that were there in the package, and considerable writing assignments the process had a fairly strong sense of reality. I guess what is it psycologically people are seeking when they see you, i suspect it is alot more than just spanking. if they get that it feeds a need. I guess that rather than being role play or reality if fit a grey area in the middle.
What was in the envelope? Imagine a small tube of something like tiger balm for a warm bottom. Imagine a few sheets of paper and a crayon to write lines, uncomfortably. Imagine a small bar of ivory bwtween ones lips as they write; “i will respect my disciplinarian over and over” drooling as one wrote. With it came a twice weekly required written essay about how did it feel, was it shameful, did you have moments of weekness, did you cheat at all. You get the point.
The other situation is when one finally met the disciplinarian. Maybe a few tasks occurred during the session as discipline or punishment, that now required impovement or follow up on. it made the session seem like it never ended with the assignments given. It also gave some credible meaning to performance punishment on the essays written, assignments given, and regular reporting intervals met.
I found that there was enough of fulfilling a need or fetish in each assignment that also filled a need for more.
Given the most recent story posted to the site on panties. i remember a pair being sent in the package with a requirement that they be be treated respectfully. At the end of the month, they were to be returned. Another pair came with an assignment. “was I wearing the same scent, as the last pair you had?” If yes, find out what it was i was wearing. If not, tell me the scent of both. Now i hope you had respectful thoughts as you held and sniffed the panites. if not i want a full confession”.
bill
This is the first time i have posted here.. Firstly thank you Dana, you have hooked me into your world, and you have such a presence too.. Sophisticated, patient,yet with just the right look, or phrase you control the person..
Anyway,
I was in a long distance relationship, and the lady in question wanted me to self spank myself, on web cam for her to watch.. It worked for a while, but you must fully embrace this, and i couldn’t with my work..and the cost of seeing her every 4 or 5 months.. as it was a very long distance from me to her.. about 10 hours on a plane..(got to love skype)
For me, and us, the relationship petered out into nothing.. money, work, time difference.
And we parted.
As you said, it works for some, and not for others. Now.. if this lady were with me at home, then that would be different..
As such i now must spank myself.. or watch your videos..
Thank you Dana.. and to all the people we see and dont see on video.. be good..
Bobbie jo,
I agree, it will take a specific type of personality to make a situation such as this work. Especially from a distance, it must be taken seriously.
Bill,
I hope that anyone who may be considering distance training takes the time to read your comment – twice. I did. Thank you for your wisdom.
obsequium..,
I am grateful that you enjoy the blog and videos, and that you’ve taken the time to comment. I’m happy to receive input from those with personal experiences, thank you.
– Dana
dear Dana Kane i have never written to your blog before, but i would like to be considered for distance training
Anonymous,
The first thing you must do, then, is send an introductory email to me, outlining your interests.
– Dana