Boys and Girls,
I’ve been thinking about you all a lot lately. It’s very nearly still a new year, and in years past I’ve taken the time to write something for the occasion, so why stop now?
Let’s catch up, shall we?
The last time you all heard from me here, I wrote to tell you of my newest endeavors and that I’d been taking a long-overdue break from the rigors of spanking. “What rigors?”, you ask, and rightfully so. I mean, how can spanking folks for a living be rigorous, or stressful, or overwhelming?
Even though that’s pretty obviously a rhetorical question, I’m going to answer it anyway.
The physical act of spanking is EXHAUSTING. Really. Any of you who’ve tried to deliver a long, thorough spanking can attest – the hand hurts, the shoulder cramps, and eventually the whole damn appendage turns to jelly. Blisters on the palm of the hand/between the fingers are just as painful as the ones on your backsides, and – oy! – I won’t talk about how much handling your squirming butts aches my back.
But the truth is that the physical part of giving spankings is fractional when compared to the mental and emotional strains of being a top. (Insert ‘woe is me’ intro music here.) While the great majority of my playmates are and always have been an absolute *joy*, there have been situations with some folks through the years that’ve just….well…worn me out on the idea of trying to be there for damn near everyone. Between boys (you know who you are) who’ve chosen to cross the line repeatedly during playtime, and girls (you definitely know who you are) whose main goal in life seems to be to attach themselves to someone upon whom they may spew their lifelong supplies of struggle via push-pull games – well kids, I got Tapped Out. Drained. Feelings hurt, lied to, lied on, and generally….well, not to use the phrase too lightly….fucked over.
Let me take Full Responsibility for this: We only get fucked over when we leave ourselves open to the experience, and I did.
Not because I’m a glutton for punishment, but because I’ve always been pretty Pollyanna when it comes to the concept: if you don’t take the chance of having your heart broken, you never really take a chance on anything. Closing ourselves off to other people and their ways – good, bad, and ugly – closes us off to Life. I’ve always been pretty certain that I’m into the living, so I’ve had many chances to FEEL things, beautiful and awful. But then the balance shifted; I couldn’t handle all the needing, all the wanting, and all the demanding.
It was enough already.
Rather than allowing myself to be further dragged down into the morass of drama, gossip, and competition which all seemed to be outweighing the fun and lightheartedness we’re all supposedly seeking – and considering that there were about seventeen million things going on in my personal life, which we will still not be discussing here – I just stopped.
Stopped spanking. Stopped blogging. Stopped replying to emails – all emails, not just yours, or yours, or yours.
Stopped trying to help, because my feelings were hurt and I was tired.
During this long time of silence, many of you have taken the time to write, to check in on me, and to update me on your lives. I’ve chosen not to respond. Not because I don’t miss you all, or love you dearly…but maybe because I do. Miss you all, and love you dearly. And it’s just been too damn difficult to have that conversation privately, several hundred times. Hopefully this will help heal some of YOUR hurt feelings at my absence, and hopefully you’ll all view this as what it is – an explanation – and not a bag of excuses.
I’m still not ready to have that conversation individually; still won’t be turning the email notifications back on just yet…still in the process of regaining my strength and resolve, and remembering why we do this thing we do in the first place. I’m not talking about spanking – I’m talking about ‘people-ing’, in general.
But I’m working on it, kids.
In the past couple months, I’ve played spanking with a couple of my girlfriends a few times – it’s been fun, but so very emotional. I’m all twisted up in the intimacy of the act lately, and haven’t felt compelled to play outside my immediate tiny circle of girls yet.
But I’m working on it.
Life changes; sometimes we move forward, and sometimes we stand absolutely stock-still and try to figure out where the hell to go next. That’s where I’ve been, and that’s where I’ll stay, for now.
But I’m working on it…
..and you’ll be the first to know.