Readers,
For your spanking-enthusiast-related activities, do you enjoy a little slap and tickle…or just the slap?
I know that circumstances surrounding spanking play can vary drastically from experience to experience, and that our playmates are not necessarily our bedmates – but what do we really prefer?
For me, spanking is not an outright sexually-motivated activity. Sensual, yes. Intimate, definitely. But not sexual. Spanking does not, for me, cause an unrelenting urge to insert tab A into slot B.
What it does cause is a wave of adrenaline and endorphins which takes hours to subside. Heady, powerful; still not sexual. The physical act of touching, rubbing, caressing, and yes, even slapping, another person’s nude bottom is one of the most pleasurable sensations imaginable to me, yet all that pleasure still doesn’t equal coitus in my mind.
Similarly, when perusing spanking videos I find that I am most often attracted to scenes which don’t incorporate heavily sexual situations. Peeks are great and innuendo is titillating; make-out scenes can be hot; but I usually am not interested in seeing the spankee and spanker get it on before, during, or after the spanking takes place. Don’t misinterpret this as an aversion to porn – I, like most everyone else, have a healthy interest in pornography, but for some reason am much less interested in having it incorporated into spanking films.
It’s likely that I am in the minority on this subject, so I am very interested in what others think: how do sex and spanking go together for you?
Conversations with Spankos (Ch.18) : Getting Your Groove On?
Visit my premium video, DVD, and products website at DanaKaneSpanks.com.
I never have sex without fantasizing about spanking. My favorite fantasy is being younger and being turned over a nylon clad lap for a severe no nonsense spanking with a paddle. I often like the idea of it being a neighbor or teacher or the mother of a girl friend and I am waiting my turn while the she paddles the other over her knee. No sex is necessary for the spanking to be a turn on.
Sometimes I feel down and a bunch of little things (nothing too serious) makes me feel depressed. (not serious depression just a temporary down feeling) This is when I want someone to turn me over their knee and give me a good paddling.
Besides spanking I have a fetish for paddles, bras, panties, stockings, laps, legs, and lovely bottoms.
Could not agree more ! A spanking can be erotic but to introduce
sex into the scene means that is it not real. It is pretend.
spanked one
You say “all that spanking pleasure still doesn’t equal coitus in my mind”, but the two are pretty closely linked in my head. It is rare that after my wife spanks me that we don’t have sex, either that night or early the next morning. In fact a good spanking oftentimes leads to a sexual fury lasting for several days. We are both aroused by her giving me a good spanking. I will admit that spanking activities with others is decidedly less associated with sex.
As far as spanking/porn, a sexual scene in spanking writing is very hot for me, while in videos, I’d rather just watch the spankings and maybe references to sex, but not the real thing in living color.
Spanking is not necessarily a sexual act for me, either. I compartmentalize the two activities. I prefer spanking games that stand on their own.
I love the sensations of the moment… the sting and heat and the color and beauty of well placed marks, I love the dizzying headiness endorphins give me. I love the mental self-discipline it takes to willingly submit to something that hurts. I feel strong when I take a harder challenge successfully or simply take a solid spanking with minimal fuss. I feel self confident and beautiful when my partner appreciates my responses. Jumping into a sex act after all that can be anti-climactic at best, diminishing those feelings.
Sure, spanking can make great foreplay. But a really good spanking stands alone. It doesn’t need a sex act for completion. In fact, sex can ruin that by placing performance pressure onto a situation that alters natural, organic responses.
Finding partners who understand (and accept) all of this can be a challenge.
As for spanking videos, I prefer that sexual contact not be a part of the videos. Sex mingled with spanking videos is seldom done well, and it frequently comes off as icky and repulsive, and even when it doesn’t, it’s awkward to watch, again, because I compartmentalize the two activities. Also, I like disciplinary themes, and swapping discipline for sex is a mixed message that ruins the imagery of discipline and punishment and the suspension of belief, especially in regressive fantasy. Really. Consider a spanking from a prison guard followed by an orgasmic porking. Ludicrous, isn’t it? “Spanked daughter/niece” fantasies that incorporate sexual contact or even conversation between “family members” are just plain chesterish and creepy. The logical extension of spanking-morphed-into-sex fantasies just doesn’t work. For me, part of the appeal of “school” and spanked-employee fantasies lies precisely in the separation of sex and spanking. I can enjoy the fantasy of a harder spanking, without the distraction of sex.
I don’t think you’re in the minority. Only with 2 male spanking/sex partners did I want sex afterwards. My excitement from spanking is more of a mental/psychological thrill aside from the enjoyment of spanking pain at various levels. This may be why I’m more relaxed and at ease with female tops instead of males at this point.
I much prefer watching videos with comedic interaction or one’s in disciplinary nature. I don’t like erotic spanking videos-the teasing and gentle pats are more annoying than entertaining to me.
Not to be a hypocrite but a few exceptions to the arousal have occured with me. Once during a shoot I absolutely was not “horny” during the spanking but at the very end there was visible wetness. That’s actually happened during sporadic self spanking when very hard implements were used. I wasn’t fantasizing about some hot guy to @A!@ afterwards. I really think the pain infliction is the biggest excitement regardless of who’s spanking me.
Maybe I’M in the minority here. LOL!
Ms. Dana,
I agree with you about spanking videos; I don’t want to see explicit sexual activity in them.
Michael_Michael
I’m of a similar mindset. For me an overtly sexual component ruins the “purity” of the scene. As a top, I may be turned on by the spanking but I don’t want to proceed onto anything heavy sexually. As a bottom the turn on usually comes with the memory of the spanking afterwards but not before or during (unless it’s the most sensually light of spankings).
Phil
I would say I’m mostly with you on this one. I definitely find spanking arousing – well, I find the exercise of my wife’s authority over me arousing, in almost any form (not mouth soaping, though, ugh).
But spanking itself is definitely not linked directly to sex for me. I prefer spanking videos that aren’t sexually explicit. I like them to focus on intimate, caring, firm discipline.
Obviously, as the spankee, I don’t get a rush of power from the spanking. But I definitely get that rush of endorphins, and find the entire experience intimate, rewarding, calming, and powerful.
I have to agree with you Dana,i’m not looking to hop in the sack when i’m being spanked by a lady .I do enjoy the sensual ,the rubbing caressing etc when being spanked fora long time ( do love silky things on a lady ).I don’t think i’ve gotten a hard on while being spanked except maybe if its with a girl friend ,any sexual activities are reserved for that special lady . When i’m giving the spanking i dont usually touch unless the lady has requested i do so . When on the receiving end ,its up to the lady as to how much touching is done and of course after wards cuddling and hugs .et
It’s complicated; a light spanking can get me very hot. A more painful spanking does not induce blood flow to my special part. But a painful spanking has a naughtiness all its own. And after it is over it would be very nice to be “comforted” and “forgiven.” Watching girls spank each other is very hot for me. Spanking felt “naughty” to me before I even knew what sex was, so spanking scenes that are explicitly sexual ruin the idea of innocent arousal. Although I enjoy having sex, watching other people have sex does not turn me on. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only male who feels this way. Many times other guys are like: “So you like looking at naked girls, then you will love this triple penetration video.” “Um, not really.”
CapD
I’m into disciplinary spankings. I and my Spanker set goals for behavior modification. Before and after the spanking I’m turned on, excited, but not in the way that I want sex. It’s a different turn on although I get mentally and physically excited. I’m also nervous to be out of control and in quite some pain. Sometimes there is a dilemma because I want to achieve my goals, but I also want a spanking and the harder the spanking the more I’m exited before and high after the spanking… Last week my spanker didn’t want to spank me at all in the first instance because I did so well (and no, it was not to tease me)!!! I’m always embarrassed to ask for a spanking but He was able to notice my disappointment through the phone and gave me a hell of a spanking that afternoon .
When the punishment spanking starts I’m always in shock from the pain and wondering why I let myself beaten and soon after that first moment it’s just pain. I am so overwhelmed with pain that I cannot think anymore and I feel really out of control. I’m very glad I don’t have to count because I think I would lose count all the time. The strange thing is that I get physically exited of the pain although I really hate the pain. I have heard this from a lot of female spankees. I have had spankers who, understandable, got confused about this. One time I got a really hard punishment spanking which I really hated and he noticed that I got wet. He was surprised and said that I liked it and he wanted to go on even harder to make it a punishment. I almost panicked and thought he was going to beat me till….I was dry again…? I told him that I really didn’t like it, but that it was just a physical reaction. Thank God he believed me and stopped!
I know that a lot of people in ‘the scene’ don’t understand it. My boyfriend connects bdsm with sex and when we were play partners he wanted to have sex during bdsm play all the time and couldn’t believe it was a disappointment for me. I really have to switch my mind off the spanking/bdsm before I want to have sex. That’s one of the reasons my boyfriend and I live our spanking/bdsm lifes separated.
After the spanking I’m in heaven. I feel so happy, energetic, loved, full of endorphins and high for a couple of days.
I dislike the idea of nonconsensual sex or seeming nonconsensual sex and so the “scenarios” of many spanking-sex or caning plus sex scenes I find unappealing. I would intentionally not watch them. There are exceptions to my preferences, though, which might mix spanking and sexy things, and even they are “mild.”
Exception one is when the receiver has indicated that he or she finds being spanked sexually arousing and he or she is implying that he or she does not mind receiving sexual touching or activity . . .
Exception two–which I have not seen in any spanking or caning clips–is a kiss or kissing or making out of congratulations or cheering for enduring or surviving well.
Exception 3 is a semi-pretend scenario, in which a gal applies a spanking or caning to establish personal boundaries . . . a little similar to some of your clips in which you have spanked so that your friend stops touching your butt . . .
You’re clearly not in the minority on this subject, and I doubt you even actually think that your views are novel or unusual.
Personally, I’m a switch and have a lot of tolerance for incorporating spanking into a variety of contexts – overtly sexual ones (and when I’m dominant with my partner, spanking is usually foreplay and involves a lot of sexual teasing) – and completely non-sexual, playful or not-so-playful punishment scenes. I enjoy playfully sexually teasing my partner between delivering light slaps….and I enjoy ruthless judicial punishment scenes, heartlessly delivered to a vulnerable, restrained recipient.
My primary interest in spanking is as a submissive, and my submissive spanking fantasies are definitely not overtly sexual. I prefer fantasy non-consensual scenes involving authority figures (obviously they are not actually non-consensual, since I’m the one imposing them on my fantasy alter-ego) – scenes of judicial corporal punishment, teachers/parents disciplining for misbehavior, police or other authority figures wielding a strap or cane, or just a wife/girlfriend imposing some old fashioned discipline to modify behavior. Obviously, I have a salacious interest in these scenes, but they’re never overtly sexual and don’t involve sexual touching. If anything, to the extent sex was incorporated into a submissive fantasy, it would be in an even darker context, as a threaten violation or humiliation.
But I think, in general, for most people into spanking, the act of spanking (and related build up, scolding, etc.) are an end in themselves, and overt sex is not necessary or even desired in that context – even though the underlying interest in the activity is sexually exciting.
I feel very similarly on this subject especially when it comes to spanking videos. I’m not opposed to sensual spanking, but when the two people involved immediately jump into sex, it takes away from the video for me. I think a spanking can stand on its own as far as sensuality goes. Personally though, I will always be more of a fan of discipline type scenarios even if they are just for fun. Thanks for another great post!
Annie :)
If I’m going to have sex, spanking foreplay almost always gets me more aroused. I’m a switch, and that goes for either orientation. A nice stinging bottom complements another place that blood is rushing to in my body. On the flip side, the sight of a squirming bottom turning pink under my hand turns me on greatly :)
Having said that, in a different situation I can see spanking very much as you’ve described: a sensual but not sexual activity. For me, it’s a lot like a massage. The connection with your fellow spankee/spanker, the trust, etc. seems really important. I’m not into humiliation or punishment, at least in any R/L way.
I really feel like it should be easy/legal/safe to find a reputable spanker (who understands and respects the sensuality of the situation) and pay for that person’s services.
Anthony
I prefer it when things are not too sexual. Otherwise it’s just more porn. I like spanking videos to be different. It’s nice to have something left to the imagination.
I prefer women spanking women, But I have never really been into lesbian porn. Is that weird?
I tend not to want to pair sex and spanking together either. That isn’t to say that some spanking videos aren’t sexy, and I have certainly gotten very turned on in the past during spankings, though that usually involved other touching and teasing by the Top.
If the spanking was a punishment, immediate sex would defeat the purpose, I think. I have never personally found spanking to be entirely sexual, and would likely be a little disappointed if it was simply a form of foreplay. I also never like when a video with a good spanking turns into outright pornography. I tend to enjoy spanking and discipline related activities on their own with no need for sex.
I knew I was framed for surfing porn on my “Sisters” laptop!
but seriously I like to have fun when a spanking is going on not only does it keep the mood light but it also helps to serve as a distraction. !!!
A good spanking tho at least for me is like the beginning of a great date. at the beginning its fun and flirty and just a bit naughty. In the middle It gets a bit more serious, and at the end it is hard and heavy and gives you something to remember for a few days.
Yes there is always sexual content. You parts are next to your spankers parts if it is otk their hand is reassuringly touching you. But to me it is never ought right turned me on.
Spanking is like dancing; doing it properly requires discipline, spontaneity, and erotic enjoyment. Both dancing and spanking may triangulate with sex (and with each other); but each retain their separate vertices. Dancing with someone need not lead to sex—even though the eroticism of the dance moves might mimic the sexual act and promote sexual feelings. Spanking need not lead to sex–even though elements that mimic attempted sexual penetration and receptivity are involved.
This is an excerpt that comes from the home-page of my blog (angelspanked.com):
I’m not knocking anyone who might have an overtly sexual interest in spanking. On a personal level there have been times where I could relate to this, although it is absolutely very low on the totem pole for reasons I desire to be spanked.
As someone in the business, I do not find spanking pornographic in nature despite the fact that even the slightest spanking and element of nudity gets labeled as “spanking porn.” I fall into that category because it is out of my control, but in no way do I consent to the definition. There is a personal boundary that exists for me as a professional who does not want to move into the realm of pornography. I understand that spanking has sexual overtones and undertones but that does not mean I am comfortable with it.
I especially dislike hardcore porn that is sloppy and raunchy and has somehow incorporated spanking. Once again, pornography is not my thing – in general. I know most spanking “actors” are actively engaging or have actively engaged in porn at some point. I have absolutely no lost respect for them and some of them are just quite fabulous – beautiful/handsome/intellectual/comedic/engaging… I could go on and on.
But I mostly prefer my spankings with a little bit of dignity and class (I don’t mean that in the vulgar way – I just mean no sex, no full-on nudity), and contrary to that (feel free to call ME classless now) – sometimes even, with elements of the grotesque (deep purple/black bruises, raised welts and even blood). But never with sex… although, I am a little less prudish with sensual/mildly erotic spankings. They are an absolutely wonderful and often indescribable experience – and as long as there is no heavy bumping and grinding, I will begrudgingly endure them ;)
It feels a bit like I am being dishonest when I say this because my body betrays me with dripping wet desire even when I have no interest in incorporating sex into a scene. Although this is perplexing, my level of arousal prior to, during or after a spanking is never indicative of my desire for anything overtly sexual in nature (were that the case, I should transition to real spanking porn).
But I never prefer my spankings with sex because for some of us, the psychology behind the need/want/desire to be spanked is independent of it. I fall into that category. That does not mean it is not a sexual experience; it means I just don’t believe in “spanking porn.” I believe it is acceptable for spanking to be included in porn, but find it highly distasteful when porn is included in spanking. Does that make me some sort of a spanking elitist? Probably. Is that okay? I don’t see why not.
A spanking for me can be both very sensual and earlier exciting and also non-erotic.
As a male spankee, when I was younger a spanking was always very sexually arousing and I often got wet. (When this happened at age 12 or 13, I did not first realize what was happening. )
Now, I very sound spanking session administered by a compotent professional is more about stress relief and more similar to a massage. These spankings allow me to enjoy my being as a Spankee. I just love to be spanked and being otk is such a wonderful feeling.
P.s. I am not much into spanking videos, though those with humor are the best. Clever spanking illustrations are a turn on.
I love love LOVE all the comments on this one, everyone! Thank you all for taking part in the conversation.
It’s tough to gauge from comments because, well, maybe only those who somewhat agree bother to comment -or maybe it’s completely random, but it sounds as though the majority of you who’ve left your two cents seem to agree: spanking doesn’t exactly equal sex.
But it sorta does. Sometimes.
Or at least..
Well…
It just feels good. We know this much, for sure.
– Dana
I found this link to a story in the NYTimes, of all places. I think the author hit on a couple of interesting points, including the “it’s sexual but asexual” paradox.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/11/fashion/modern-love-a-spanking-fetish-is-not-revealed-easily.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Since I am sharing links, this one is also a surprising “good find” in mainstream press: The New Yorker.
http://www.newyorker.com/archive/1996/02/26/1996_02_26_098_TNY_CARDS_000373793
<3 Bunny
ps, the cpatcha for my post was “strked”. Striked? Stroked? either way, an amusing coincidence.
I know this is an old blog post, but it caught my eye. I think it would be interesting to ask this question again, but instead make it about literature. It seems like you and your fans do a fair amount of reading. I absolutely adore that you have writing contests and I eagerly wait to read each submission!
I don’t have much luck finding spanking novels in print, but I do find a lot of treasures in fanfiction, original fiction, and ebooks. I prefer only stories that focus on discipline. Unfortunately, I’ve realized that the most popular stories are the ones that are heavily centered on sex. I’ve even seen reviews on Amazon and iBooks where a spanking novel is judged by how many sex scenes are incorporated. It appears to be a big selling point.
From the comments on this blog post, it seems like most people prefer to watch spanking videos focused on discipline. I wonder if their opinions are different when it comes to literature. Videos are visually stimulating, but books have to rely on words and description and imagery. Discipline spankings are often written as sexually charged and usually end with a huge love scene. I’ve never liked those stories because I feel that there are too many conflicting emotions in one scene. It starts out with punishment, then turns into hardcore erotica. It leaves me asking: “Did this person enjoy the spanking or not?” Judging by the sex, they loved it and it was no punishment at all! Sometimes it’s as if the author couldn’t decide which direction they wanted to take.
Like I said, the most popular spanking fiction are those that entwine spanking with sex. I’m thinking those are the most popular because it can appeal to vanilla readers as well. They read it because it’s erotica, but it leaves me feeling cast aside because it tricked me into thinking it was about the spanking. It’s not hard to find a smutty romance novel, but it is hard to find one that focuses only on discipline spankings.
Of course, maybe you already had a blog post about spanking stories and I just didn’t see it. I really like ebooks because I can read them in public and no one knows exactly what I’m reading about! I just wished the ones that advertised spankings were actually about spankings.