Angel wrote this entry on Friday, after having spent a week here in Las Vegas with me. She’s visited several times, and we always have a lot of fun. But we also always have to deal with at least one instance of Angel Behaving Badly. Although I think we’ve now effectively solved that problem through honest and direct dialogue, Angel wanted to write something to share on my blog, and I told her I thought that was a fine idea.
What follows is, in my opinion, entirely too favorable to me (and my meatloaf, for that matter) but otherwise accurate – and terribly sweet.
NOTE * The May story contest winner will be announced in just a couple days!
My week in Vegas and establishing boundaries
Well, this is my last day with Dana. The bad news is that I might have “slightly” irritated her, but the good news is that I know if she hasn’t strangled me yet – she likely never will.
I think sometimes I have this maladaptive inclination to test her – sometimes for fun, but sometimes because my personal insecurities pressure me to act out to see how far the unconditional love theory goes. So far, I can ascertain that she still loves me despite my tantrums, poor communication skills, attention seeking behavior and engaging in rather bold and inappropriate Twitter bratting. (Yes, yes… I almost learned my lesson. It’s been well over half a year since I’ve been so Twitter heinous and I should probably watch my own Delrin punishment as much as everyone else does to remind me).
It’s been an interesting week. I think since this is the longest amount of consecutive time I have spent here, coupled with the fact it has been a very trying few weeks between personal issues and my blog being removed – that she has pretty much seen me in various extremes of just about all of my emotional states: sad, frustrated, bratty, bold, anxious, whiny, cranky, clingy, regressed, exhausted, amused, playful, relaxed and utterly elated. Yes, she has survived them all. My behavior was taxing at times but I think she’ll make it. I keep checking on her when she’s not looking to make sure she is alive and not ripping her own hair out or something. She is doing well. I promise.
But… I am writing this while still knowing that I am on thin ice with her until I can prove to her that I can exercise good behavior somewhat consistently. She is not mad, but I hit that plateau of behaving so erratically that it was not even punishable. But that by no means didn’t mean she didn’t know what to do with me. What I received instead was a “big-girl” explanation of behavioral expectations and what will or will not be tolerated, which is now very fully understood. Things are much simpler for me when communicated as directives. I also learned that if I need something I need to communicate it without expecting her to be a mind reader.
This doesn’t mean I will get everything I need or think I need as soon as I ask for it, and maybe not at all – but I think I would feel much more at ease using my words and getting denied rather than acting like a brat on steroids and getting denied. (I’m going to agree with myself on her behalf because I am fairly certain she would prefer it this way as well).
Really, I am often good with “no.” For example, I was banging on her staircase with a comb and she looked at me like I was an annoying 3 year old and (quite seriously) said, “That’s enough.” I stopped mid-bang. And those little moments are sometimes equally as powerful as a good ass whuppin. I wasn’t actively tying to annoy her, either. (Just a piece of honest information). But I don’t take those seemingly minor interactions for granted. They psychologically sustain my need to feel that rules and structure exist in the way that comforts me – which is why there are still more than half a dozen cupcakes left in the refrigerator. I was told I could have one or two a day. I have not challenged this. I don’t know what would have happened if I did… a spanking? The corner? Fresh cupcakes tossed in the trash? I chose not to challenge the cupcake rule.
I challenged other things, though. I had a bit of a smart mouth and got a few on and off camera spankings for it. But it was mostly playful… until the cane-iac strap made an appearance in a promo video. But there were still no hard feelings about it. I felt disciplined but not really punished, which I believe was the intention.
I think I got punished, really punished, when the wooden spoon and bathbrush came out of nowhere after my “Twitter dare.” Either that our she takes challenges very seriously. Most likely both. I got a really hard, fast spanking… but because it still felt acceptable, and I was even giggling along with borderline crying – I continued what I thought was playing. And it probably was, even from her perspective, until I got a bit too animated and cocky which ended up not being cool. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t respect boundaries though, which made it look like I was disrespecting her – for which I feel terribly sorry.
If my behavior has made it appear that it does not go without saying, I will now (in no uncertain terms) say it: I have so much respect (and genuine love) for Dana as a personal and professional Top and as a human being that it is literally immeasurable. So when I behave in ways that contradict that and lead others to believe that is “playing,” I am setting a poor, and rather inaccurate, example. That makes me feel ashamed, sad and worried that if I can’t recognize when it’s “enough” without the stern look, intimidating tone and the fear of possible punishment – that this will make her disinclined to want to play with (or even punish) me.
The idea of that crushes me. I had so much fun when she was just spanking me all the time the first couple of days. That’s mostly her bottom’s bottom fault because I got spanked for all his misdeeds… but it actually helped to condition my own bottom so it bruised much less easily (well until the bathbrush came out last night). I was mostly loving that until I realized there was a real possibility I’d be spanked a dozen times an hour if she followed through and that eventually she would have to conquer new territory – such as the thighs. Because as big as my butt is, it cannot withstand even a days worth of punishment on behalf of her boy. I anticipated she might have to start calf caning by the end of the week and was set to go hide the canes. Speaking of hiding things, I still don’t think she had noticed her missing “heat for the seat” paddle. It will probably be a good idea to return it today because I think today is a “no playing because you were bad” day.
Other than that, we did some decent shooting. The videos were awesome. Just so much fun. I got to be a big girl, I got to be a little girl…although I missed Stepmommy and I guess the librarian must have retired our did not get my “I will quit spanking if you don’t show up” memo! (FYI, I can’t quit spanking. I think Dana frowns upon it).
Anyway, I even did POV’s … because they held paddles to my head and forced me while I kicked and screamed and begged for my life. Okay… maybe that part didn’t exactly happen. It’s possible they just lovingly encouraged me despite my anxiety because they are two off the greatest people on the planet. I’m still terrified about it. Eh. We’ll see what happens.
And…. I cleaned my room! I said I didn’t have to but Dana got that tone and told me I did because she said so. It felt very serious and like a rule – so from then on, I have kept it tidy. Even the bathroom. Maybe she knows this was the reason. Maybe she doesn’t. Well I guess she will now if she posts this…
We also watched some shows on the computer, talked a lot, laughed a lot. I got to eat Dana’s dinners – a time of day to especially look forward to. (Yea. I still dream about her meatloaf, not gonna lie). I also got to have balls and bottle caps thrown at me by the instigator and watched him in his natural playful state – which very often is indicative of an impending catastrophe. People shouldn’t play where there are glasses of iced tea and computers within inches of each other. Even I know that… silly.
Now I am resting and writing and trying to be a good girl so that Dana is happy with me (and in general) and trying to be extra extra good so that maybe she will send me off with a great big hug… and a spanking!
I love you, Dana. Thank you for accepting me for the very complicated person I am while at the same time illustrating that certain behaviors must be changed… without making me feel terrible about myself for my shortcomings. That’s respectable. If you post this, you can leave this in or not.
PS (my blog will be completely transformed within the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned angelspanked.com)
Visit my premium video, DVD, and products website at DanaKaneSpanks.com.