Mind if I slide my soapbox out from under the sofa? It’ll only take a minute…
I know that there are as many kinds of fetishists as there are people and that variety speaks for a lot, but I seem to be experiencing an uptick in the number of Unacceptable Correspondences of late and have to comment on a few things which I believe all of us should already know.
*For the uninitiated, these are called Common Courtesies in my house (which includes my blog, my email, and anything else which I can selfishly call mine).
**I should also mention that many of these things MAY not get you into trouble with every disciplinarian, and I make no statement or judgment about other’s acceptable practices. What I WILL say is that you’re not likely to get yourself into trouble anywhere else, if you follow a few simple protocols.
How to Not Insult the Lady with the Paddle
1. Although it’s terribly difficult, try not to refer to your genitals in correspondence. Seriously, we all have them, so you’re not bestowing any groundbreaking information with Junk Talk – and trust me, we’ve all heard entirely too many genital details already. Be original and try sticking to things like thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Hey, maybe even spanking!
2. Same goes for filthy language. I don’t mean general use curse words here, but the ones you’d never say in front of your grandma. A good rule of thumb is that, if you wouldn’t say it at grandma’s 90th birthday party, then I probably don’t want to hear it either.
3. Sex. See #1. If I specifically ask about your sex life, sexual technique, or sex ninja exploits – well, you’ll be the first.
(Now’s a good time to say that I a)talk about sex, b)have sex, and c)can be a downright bawdy gal under the right circumstances, so I’m not saying don’t BE who you are. Simply BE the you who has sense enough not to talk about that crap to me – especially if we don’t even know one another in Real Life.)
4. Play by the rules. This one’s specifically for those who exuberantly share/submit their spanking stories before ever having read the posting guidelines. Again, there is much information on the nature of my puritanical and iron-fisted demand for squeaky-cleanliness.
5. Don’t ask me to explain the rules of engagement to you; if you’ve reached the ripe old age of (fill in the blank) without the good sense to behave politely then I cannot help you.
6. If you’re lucky enough to get away with a “warning” about your behavior, heed it. Most don’t get a second, and nobody gets a third. You want discipline, buddy? Here ya go…discipline yourself right out the door.
7. Remember that your disciplinarian is not a prostitute, phone sex worker, sexual wellness counselor, or humping post. If your sexual needs are going unmet, it’s your responsibility to see to them. In other words, try to get laid someplace else, ’cause I’m just here for the spanking. Thanks.
8. The bottom line: As I spank my way around this country, yanking both men and women across my lap in what is always a private and intimate setting, I want to be just as comfortable and able-to-trust as you are in that moment. You can make that happen *just like that* by simply minding your manners.
Is that asking too much? Because, if it is, I’ll quote MY grandma:
“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.”
PS. I’ll add that you don’t want to become part of a pop culture cautionary tale, either..
My friend Erica Scott receives so much trollish email that she’s put it all together into a BOOK – called Correspondence Hall of Shame. She’s recorded hundreds (if not thousands) of rude, embarrassing, and unintelligible emails over the years. She’s also published a great many of the more remarkable ones publicly, along with her scathingly hilarious commentary. You don’t want to be one of THOSE people, do you?